THE JOHNNY LOPEZ

The 2012 Golden Globes

2012-01-16T12:39:00.000-08:00

Things learned watching the 2012 Golden Globes:

1. By bringing back a fingerless glove, crucifix and her black roots, Madonna proved her face isn’t the only old thing that’s new again.
2. The one person funnier than Melissa McCarthy… is her stylist.
3. Sidney Poitier is the new Kirk Douglas.
4. Apparently, Jane Fonda found the Fountain of Youth on Golden Pond.
5. Despite everything he’s done musically and all his AIDS charity work, if Elton John doesn’t chill and loosen up his girdle, he’ll just be remembered as a bitter old queen.
6. It’s 1999 again because Harvey Weinstein really is back on top.
7. Kelly Osbourne’s hair needs to be put down.
8. Sofia Vergara’s days may be numbered, because Salma’s back!
9. Ryan Gosling not showing up is cruel and unusual punishment.
10. Zooey Deschanel has sideburns.

It was the Washout Globes. From all the blah beige gowns to all the blah non-standout moments, this year’s Golden Globes were as funny and original as an episode of “Whitney.”

You know the drill. Here’s my two cents, so feel free to send me yours!

--Johnny Lopez

Ricky Gervais – Everyone who thought he was too mean last year is now saying how lame and neutered he was this year. But seriously, if picking on Jodie Foster’s lesbianism is the best and most original stuff you can come up with, you might as well just point and call Melissa McCarthy fat.

Ashton Kutcher – He got rid of the beard and actually looked handsome. Breaking up with Demi really does the body good.

Jake Gyllenhaal – The real reason Gosling didn’t show up. If those two are in the same vicinity at any one time, the room may instantaneously combust.

Melissa McCarthy – In JoAnn Fabrics Couture for Bed, Bath & Beyond. She looked like sheet.

Paula Patton – Her mission: impossible was trying to pull off that Tweety Bird yellow gown.

Kelsey Grammer – Team Camille. Sorry ‘bout it.

Sofia Vergara – At some point, even gorgeous gets boring.

Adam Levine – His music-to-TV transition is treading very closely on Mark McGrath territory.

Madonna – Between the death stares from Elton, Mary J & Latifah, the self-important acceptance speech and the made-up regal old English by way of suburban Detroit accent, the Bitch is back! Suck it, haters!

Kat McPhee – Just 27 and she’s already onto the third re-invention of her career. With reality TV, music and film behind her, perhaps scripted TV will be the charm. On a related note, Taylor Hicks – ‘memba him?

Brad Pitt – Am I the only one that thinks Angelina beats him?

Angelina Jolie -- And the envelope please … oh wait, it’s already part of her dress.

Michelle Williams – Somewhere in an isolation sauna chamber in outer space, Katie Holmes is staring blankly into an E-meter and wondering where she went wrong.

Piper Perabo – She was robbed … of her breasts!

Sarah Michelle Gellar – Doing her best Ivana Trump impersonation.

George Clooney – He’s too perfect. He has to have a really deep, dark secret he’s keeping on the down low. Wonder what it could be?

Stacy Keibler – I’m worried for her. I mean, she’s already appeared on “Dancing with the Stars,” so when Clooney dumps her she’ll really have nowhere to go.

Tilda Swinton – Hair and makeup by the Brian Setzer Orchestra.

Jessica Alba – Perfection.

Channing Tatum – Have they discovered which chromosome he’s missing?

Nicole Kidman – Ten years clean from Scientology and Nicole finally has womanly curves. Maybe there are perks to cutting off all contact from your two eldest children.

Jessica Lange – You know she’d rather win a bottle of Bombay Sapphire than a Globe.

Jane Lynch – By the looks of her top, she will never win Best SUPPORTING actress.

Octavia Spencer – This year, the part of Mo’Nique will be played by Octavia. Miss Minnie’s chocolate pie is the new pig’s feet!

Salma Hayek – She’s 45 and flawless in any language, and giving you Studio 54 chic.

Charlize Theron – Another one who is aging backwards. The only thing I loved her in more than “Young Adult” was that dress.

Jessica Biel – Was that an ill-fitting bodice or has she always had three breasts? Wasn’t Mark Wahlberg the one who was supposed to have three nipples?

“The Artist” guy – Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

Meryl Streep – Wearing the latest from The Temple Grandin Fall 2012 collection. The woman can act herself out of a brown paper bag, but unfortunately, that appears to be where she gets her evening wear, too.

The 2011 American Music Awards

2011-11-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

Things learned watching the 2011 American Music Awards:

1. There is something called Hot Chelle Rae. Who knew?
2. Driving the Fiat is the new jumping the shark.
3. Based on screen time, Taylor Swift & Selena Gomez were the only celebs in the audience.
4. Kelly Clarkson is a huge star.
5. Will.i.am needs a time out.
6. Pit Bull has to decide whether he’s Team Lopez or Team Skeletor already.
7. All music acts with the last name Perry are contractually bound to have bad hair.
8. Love her or hate her, Lady Gaga makes for good award show television. We missed you Stefani!
9. The only person Xtina hates seeing more than her trainer … Adam Levine!
10. Three words: Justin. Bieber. Shufflin’. That’s some serious L-wordMFAO!

First of all, apologies if you read some of these comments via my FB updates. If not, well then here’s my two cents about last night’s AMAs.

Xo
Johnny Lopez

P.S. You can’t tell but I was driving a Fiat while writing this!

Nicki Minaj – Please turn up the super bass so you don’t hear her singing intermittently over the lip synching.

Taylor Swift – Wearing another gold dress. Shocker. I guess she’s monotone in more ways than one. And what was with the dead, ratty, straw ponytail? You would think from her overacting faux-surprise that she had won an Oscar & not an AMA. Settle down, T.

Adam Levine – the younger, thinner, douchier Dylan McDermott.

Justin Bieber – Has pulled one over everyone. Girls think he’s hot, artists with street cred actually think he has swagger (oh how I loathe that word) and how most of America is actually entertaining the idea that he could possibly impregnate anyone – let along a girl, is beyond me.

The Band Perry – Did the chick know she was performing on national television or just going to the movies? Get a hair brush! And what’s up with the weird shag bobbed she-brothers?

Chris Brown – As far as his performance, all I can say is …He beat Rihanna to a pulp & don’t you ever forget it.

Jennifer Hudson – I’m sure she’s just hungry, but the dead eyes and the blank stare make me think she’s become a Scientologist. Xenu loves your weight loss!

Kelly Clarkson – Who Framed Kelly Clarkson? Apparently her stylist. We now know where all the weight that JHud lost went.

Enrique Iglesias – Rockin’ a Bieber wig. I wish I could say … I like it!

Rihanna – It may have only been for Soul/R+B album but she finally got to beat Chris Brown.

Jennifer Lopez – She ruined what would have possibly been considered the best performance of the night if it weren’t for that whole soul crushing Fiat Debacle. That being said, I’d like to see another 42-year-old mother-of- two pull off dancing in that Britney Spears Toxic nude bodysuit? The Remains of Britney couldn’t wear it today and she’s 29.

Katy Perry – in a pink Joan Crawford ‘Mildred Pierce’ wig! Curled bangs are a bitch!

Casey Anthony – Oh wait, it’s Alanis Morissette. ‘Memba her?

Mary J. Blige – The animal print dress makes me think she’s now resorting to dressing like the women normally found at her concert.

Ellie Goulding – Christina Aguilera circa 2000. Tears.

Bruno Mars – Para bailar La Bamba.

Christina Aguilera – She didn’t shave her head, almost lose custody of her kid, get wheeled out on a gurney, get put under a conservatorship, lose the ability to actually sing and dance… but she sure looks like she did! She’s got the moves like … Jaegermeister.

Gavin Degraw – or Dane Cook if he was one of The Cullens in “Twilight.”

Daughtry – Bathroom break

Will.i.am – Have a seat, Willie. That performance really was 3D – disjointed, disastrous, and dreadful.

Vanessa Lachey – That’s right you heard correctly.

LMFAO – I’m all for songs that bring out your inner dork, but the Biebs took it to a whole new level. They should have all quit while they were ahead, because that “Sexy and I Know It” portion was such a big mess that I was waiting for authorities to rush in and start pepper spraying peeps on stage.

2011 Emmys

2011-09-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

Things learned watching the 2011 Emmy Awards:

1. I watch way too much reality TV because I’ve never heard about a quarter of these scripted shows. “Detroit 187” who? “Justified” what?
2. If Kate Winslet agrees to do anything on television, you damn well better give her an award.
3. From Julie Bowen to Melissa McCarthy to Peter Dinklage, this year's winners really did come in all shapes and sizes.
4. They still make TV miniseries.
5. With a record number of musical numbers and gay references, the Emmys are the new Tonys.
6. And on the seventh day God created … Sofia Vergara.
7. Michael Bolton performances should come with a warning, ear plugs and a five second delay.
8. I have a new celebrity crush/obsession – newly skinny and hot “Enoturage” star Jerry Ferrara. Wowza!
9. Ellen, Neil Patrick Harris, Queen Latifah, Hugh Jackman and now Jane Lynch – see, only gays can host award shows! That being said, I think Eddie Murphy will do a swell job at the Oscars.
10. They opened a really good Abbey in downtown LA? Who knew?

I interrupt your regularly scheduled episode of “Real Housewives” or “Jersey Shore” to bring you this scripted television award show recap. Feel free to tell me your thoughts, critiques and/or praises!

-Johnny Lopez

Jane Lynch – Thought she did a pretty good job in making the Emmys amusing and bearable this year (minus the endless miniseries/TV movie portion); unfortunately the funniest thing she was in was … her opening number gown!

Juliana Margulies – Unless Lady Gaga wants her paper mache’ dog cone collar back, someone get the Good Wife to the fashion E.R. stat!

Zooey Deschanel – The “New Girl” is … Loretta Lynn. 500 Days of Coal Miner’s Daughter.

Steve Levitan (creator of “Modern Family’) – or was it Ray Romano?

Charlie Sheen – Martin Sheen must have cashed in some favors, how else to explain Hollywood allowing for his redemption tour this soon?! Now if he was a woman … (please see Lindsay Lohan).

Sofia Vergara – Julie Bowen may have gotten the Emmy, but Sofia will always be the winner. Damn!

Rob Lowe – The real life Dorian Gray. I’ll have whatever he and John Stamos are having.

Amy Poehler – Funniest moment of the night, but they should have killed the pageant crown and flowers part and let us pretend the entire Best Actress in a comedy bit wasn’t staged.

Melissa McCarthy – Congratulations on winning an Emmy for “Bridesmaids,” because no one has seen “Mike & Molly.”

David Spade – He and Jane Lynch obviously share a hairstylist.

Ian Somerhalder – “True Blood” & “Twilight” ain’t got nothing on Team Damon.

Nina Dobrev – The “Vampire Diaries” star is ready for her close up. Best dressed of the night!

Kerry Washington – Stunning! That dress was MAYJAH!!!

Ashton Kutcher – Is he joining “Two and a Half Men” or Jesus Christ, Super Star?

Peter Dinklage – Wait, is he in “Two and a Half Men” too?

Red dresses – Winslet, Vergara, Dobrev, Lea Michele, Kerry Washington – Everyone looks amazing in red.

Margo Martindale (Best Supporting Drama Actress winner) – Well, almost everyone. Dress compliments of Joann Fabrics.

Katie Holmes – She could look amazing … if she’d let Suri dress her.

Minka Kelly – You’re gorgeous, newly single and have a TV show debuting this week – and you wear an Italian funeral gown? Vamp it up, Angels!

Entourage cast – Turtle time! Sorry Piven & Grenier (and Jane Lynch), it’s all about Jerry Ferrara now.

In Memoriam – Having the Canadian Tenors open the sad number by walking through the aisles with smoke is about as showy and self indulgent as wearing a meat dress on the red carpet. Is it about the dearly departed or the newly arrived? Hallelujah.

Kate Winslet – Oscar, Grammy (some sorta spoken word album) and now an Emmy. Get Saint Kate to Broadway fast.

Jon Hamm – Ok, ok, I do believe the hype! Dreamy.

Paz de la Huerta – LOVE her crazy ass for always looking like she just slept with a studio exec, senator or valet minutes before walking a red carpet. I don’t watch “Boardwalk Empire” or anything but that loca is talented … in what exactly I don’t know, but she’s seems like a good time.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Wearing Snooki’s workout crop top on the red carpet is never a good idea (doesn’t she read Goop.com?). This was possibly her worst outfit since that 2002 McQueen debacle at the Oscars. PS – Seeing her die in “Contagion” is worth the price of admission alone.

Hakuna Matata, my friends.

2011 VMAs

2011-08-29T12:44:00.000-07:00

Things learned watching the 2011 VMAs:

1. It’s amazing how much of Lady Gaga’s creativity, effort and nonsense it takes to bore me.
2. I love Jessie J’s performances – all 37 one-second of them!
3. Britney and Amy Winehouse both get tributes. You do the math.
4. Thanks to her post-rehab look, I can now tell the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. I think.
5. Chris Brown should join the circus. No, really.
6. With everyone and their protégé trying so damn hard these days, Britney’s complete lack of innovation, effort or hair care is downright refreshing y’all.
7. The VMAs have become about as edgy as the Kids Choice Awards. Someone slime Jo Calderone!

Here are some words about last night’s VMAs. I'd love to hear yours.

-Johnny Lopez

Lady Sha Na Na – With her greaser chic and an endless monologue, Lady G was more annoying than Hurricane Irene. No longer content with just mimicking Madonna, Gags has moved on to imitating the late Andy Kaufman. There’s a new Man on the Moon and it’s Jo Calderone! It won’t be long before he’s wrestling Octomom on TV. And now that she has the entire pop landscape wearing ridiculous outfits and headgear, she really needs to tone it down and start walking around in jeans, tank top and her hair in a ponytail. Now that would be shocking!

Jessie J – Makeup by Duncan Hines.

Nicki Minaj – If Punky Brewster was a Harajuko girl with SARS and appearing in a Katy Perry video this is exactly what she’d wear. I’d pay to see her walk through “South Side Jamaica Queens” in one of these getups.

Britney Spears – OK MTV you can stop feeling bad for allowing Brit to implode at the VMAs in 2007. No more sympathy awards, specials or tributes. And how long before someone in her camp lets her know that Jo Calderone really is Gaga?

Beyonce -- Who runs the world? Beyonce’s unborn baby! She runs this mutha!

Jay-Z – At least one person – other than RiRi -- hasn’t forgotten what Chris Brown did. Everyone else just sit yo asses down!

Dave Grohl – I always wondered what Steven Cojo would look like if he were straight.

Tyler the Creator – um who?

Demi Lovato – The dirtier NC-17 Selena Gomez.

Katy Perry – Do they sell pink hair and cheese block hats at The Gap now? Or Does Lady Gaga have a line at Forever 21? Katy’s gear is always off.

Gabe Saporta (lead singer) from Cobra Starship – or was it Christian Bale in “The Fighter”?

Robin Antin/Pussycat Dolls – The perfect face to guard Kim K. Yowzers!

Kreayshawn – Amy Winehouse has RISEN!

Foster the People – They look like adorable little nerds but you know they’re probably just pumped up hipster douches.

Adele – No bells and whistles, backup dancers, aerialists, absurd outfits, or censored bleeps. She’s pure artistry. But what was with her seriously scary Pan’s Labyrinth nails?!

Justin Bieber – Styling by “The Weakest Link.” Good bye!

Chris Brown – He’s homophobic and beats women, yet his biggest fans are gays and females. Get it together, people.

Selena Gomez – Who doesn’t love a Disney star in a same-sex relationship?

Taylor Lautner – His stylist should be fired for putting him in that shirt. In any shirt!

Jersey Shore gals – When they clean up, they are a hemline away from becoming Kardashians.

Russell Brand – He was about as funny as the year he hosted.

Bruno Mars – I loved Lady Gaga’s tribute to Amy.

Katie Holmes – You know your career is in troubs when people know you as Suri’s mom.

Lil Wayne – The illegitimate love child of Slash, Flava Flav, Whoopi Goldberg and Animal from The Muppets.

2011 Oscars

2011-02-28T13:24:00.001-08:00

Things I learned watching the 83rd Annual Academy Awards:

1. They didn’t need a host, they needed FEMA … because it was a disaster zone.
2. James Franco & Anne Hathaway are the new Rob Lowe & Snow White.
3. More Kirk Douglas, please.
4. The world is seriously fucked up when someone like Jennifer Hudson introduces Gwyneth Paltrow’s, er, singing.
5. The only person watching the Oscars and laughing was Ricky Gervais.
6. Melissa Leo is as classy as her character in “The Fighter.”
7. Annette Bening is now on suicide watch.
8. Everyone and their mother brought their mother as their date.
9. Some award shows could actually use Lady Gaga in an egg.

It’s actually dumb to complain about how bad the Oscars are, because that’s partly why we all watch them. That being said, they were particularly awful. Adding to that was the lack of star power (no Julia, Tom, Johnny, Cameron, Salma, George, J.Lo, Brangelina, etc.), no Bjork outfits and no upsets. The entire night was about as interesting as a CBS sitcom.

As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

--Johnny Lopez

James Franco – And you thought seeing him cut off his arm in “127 Hours” was hard to watch! At least we got to see him in that leotard. Thank God he has “General Hospital” to fall back on.

Anne Hathaway – She had about as much chemistry with Franco as Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman in “Mr. Wrong.” At least she made an effort, which is more than can be said about Mr. Franco.

Kirk Douglas – in the “King’s Speech.” Who knew this would be the highlight of the entire night? I was waiting for him to mumble “GLADIATOR!” We’ve found next year’s host.

Melissa Leo – The fur ad/self-promotion campaign worked, but her table doily dress didn’t. Where were the “Fighter” sisters???

Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake – Proof that anything is possible: 10 years ago we’d laugh at the thought of that girl on “That 70s Show” and the lead singer of N’SYNC presenting at the Oscars. RIP Ashton and Britney.

Javier Bardem/Josh Brolin – Garçon, table 4 needs more water.

Russell Brand – Not even he wanted to be seen at the Oscars with Katy Perry.

Helen Mirren – Sorry H, James Franco is THE QUEEN.

Reese Witherspoon – She’s an Oscar winner. Really?! Elle Woods goes to the Academy Awards wearing Julia Roberts’ 2001 Oscar-winning dress and Madonna’s 1995 VMAs hair (google it!).

Christian Bale – One day he’ll win another Oscar… for playing Charlie Sheen.

Hugh Jackman – The only guy at the Kodak with a bigger beard than Christian Bale.

Nicole Kidman – Hostess at PF Chang’s REALNESS!

Trent Reznor – Winning an Oscar is so Goth. Usually, guys don’t go from indie outsider freak to buff mainstream hunk without coming out of the closet and moving to the big city first.

Scarlett Johansson – She spent so much time trying to pour herself into that fitted lace number that she forgot to blow dry her hair.

Matthew McConaughey – Amber Alert! GTO -- Gym, Tan, Oscars!

Marisa Tomei – She’s the (completely) white Halle Berry… doesn’t age! But the bottom of her dress was from A Different World.

Cate Blanchett – Yeah, I know since its Givenchy Couture I’m supposed to say it’s amazing. If a 6-ft. supermodel wore it, maybe, but on an androgynous actress it just looked awkward.

Randy Newman – Even he knows Cher should have been the 5th nom for Best Song. Shame!

Mandy Moore – ‘Memba her?

Luke Matheny – (the bushy-haired guy who won for Live Action Short Film) or was it Horshack from “Welcome Back Kotter”?

Amy Adams – Please lose the necklace. Paging Lindsay Lohan!

Jake Gyllenhaal – Screw an Oscar, I want a JAKE! On second thought, I want to screw Jake!

Oprah – The real winner of Best Supporting Actress… O’s top.

Billy Crystal – Unable to reach Gervais, the Academy managed to send a car for Billy Crystal just in time to try and save the show. But when did he turn into Susan Boyle with a receding hairline?

Robert Downey Jr. – If he can be Iron Man, then there’s hope Lindsay will be cast as “Wonder Woman.” Oh wait, Hollywood only forgives male drug addicts.

Jude Law – Yeah he went there with Downey. Even if it was planned, it was still funny.

Sharon Stone – Styling by Bram Stoker.

Jennifer Hudson – Not even Chaz Bono has gone through that much of a physical transformation.

Florence (& the Machine) Welch – If she’s really only 24 years old, then she must be measuring it in Dog Days!

Gwyneth Paltrow – Almost as unlistenable as Kirk Douglas. I swear, her gold Barbarella-inspired arrival dress was once worn by Shauna Sand… except it was cut just above the vadge.

Celine Dion – After performing in Vegas for all those years, she’s used to singing for the dead.

Halle Berry – She will never age… and probably never make a good movie again. It’s a give and take.

Hilary Swank – Natalie Portman will use Hilary as a human shield when Annette Bening attacks her in the Kodak Theater parking lot.

Kathryn Bigelow – Needs to throw that dress back into her Hurt Locker.

Helena Bonham Carter – Only Helena could come dressed as her character in “Harry Potter” and be criticized for playing it safe.

Hailee Steinfeld – Winner of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Best Supporting Actress Teen Nom Memorial Award.

Jennifer Lawrence – She’s talented, gorgeous and has a great body, but just because the Oscars are held at a mall (yes, the Kodak Theater is in a mall!) doesn’t mean you should get your dress at American Apparel.

Michelle Williams – Is taking the Twiggy thing too far with the weird British accent on the red carpet. Am I the only one that goes “awwwww” -- like she’s an injured puppy every time I see her?

Jesse Eisenberg – Hair by no one.

Na WeWe – Short Film nom or one of the new Real Housewives of Atlanta?

Banksy – He’s lucky he lost, because his legions of hipster fans would have abandoned him the instant they read his name. What’s the point of liking an edgy, subversive artist if everyone knows about him, right?

Annette Bening – The Susan Lucci of the Oscars. The only bigger loser … her stylist.

Natalie Portman – I guess “ums” are the new Portman Laugh®. I hope Nat doesn’t put down her Oscar, because Winona Ryder will steal it.

Sandra Bullock – It’s been a year since she got her Oscar – and caught her husband cheating, divorced, adopted a baby and won the world over. She’s either going to be anointed a saint… or get a DUI.

Colin Firth – If you liked him in “King’s Speech” then you’ll love him in last year’s “Single Man” – the movie he should have won for.

PS 22 – Cute, but maybe they could have gone on before 11:30 pm ET so their classmates in Staten Island could watch. Just sayin’…

2011 Golden Globes

2011-01-17T11:44:00.001-08:00

Things learned watching the 2011 Golden Globes:

1. Nolan Miller must be dressing Hollywood again because I haven’t seen that many shoulder pads, sequins and sparkle since Dynasty’s Moldavian massacre.
2. I’m going to miss Ricky Gervais.
3. Christina Aguilera needs a water pill.
4. Tilda Swinton and Helena Bonham Carter need a reality show together.
5. With wins by Glee, Chris Colfer, Jane Lynch, Jim Parsons, Burlesque, Kids Are All Right, Annette Bening, and Scott Rudin, the Globes were so gay (and I mean that in a great way!) they made the Tonys look like a Yes on 8 rally.
6. Natalie Portman’s laugh will haunt your nightmares.
7. No matter what Sandy says, Scarlett Johansson and Sandra Bullock were kept on opposite ends of the telecast for a reason.
8. “Social Network” will probably win an Oscar, as MySpace gets ready to fold. It’s crazy how things change in 5 years … just ask Jennifer Lopez’s career.

As always, send me your thoughts and comments to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Ricky Gervais – Anyone who has the balls to make a joke about closeted Scientologists on national television is ok in my book. That being said, someone let me know if his body surfaces.

Scarlett Johansson – Taylor Swift chic with a Franken-updo. Apparently Ryan Reynolds got to keep all the style in the divorce.

Christian Bale – Completely forgot he’s British. You gotta love a guy who isn’t afraid to have the exact same hairdo as his wife.

Katey Sagal – Peg Bundy looks hot… her dress not so much. Anyone know where her sisters, the “Double Trouble” twins, are?

Julianne Moore – Molly Ringwald wants her “Pretty in Pink” prom dress back.

That guy who played “Carlos’ – hot!

Leighton Meester – Didn’t Crystal Gayle wear the exact same thing to the CMAs in 1974? Country WRONG.

Chris Colfer/Glee – Congrats. Hopefully it really does get better from here.

Eva Longoria – The Anti-Scarlett Johansson … divorce never looked so good. Flawless.

Kevin Bacon – Six degrees of the Social Network …remove Kev’s glasses and he becomes Jesse Eisenberg.

Milla Jovovich – There must be another “Resident Evil” coming out this year because that’s the only time you ever see her.

Steve Buscemi – or John Waters with a weave?

Elizabeth Moss – from Mad Men to the Hillary Clinton biopic.

Christina Hendricks – With her porcelain skin, scarlet hair and huge breasts, Christina managed to find the perfect dress to …blend into the red carpet.

Jennifer Lopez – This is what a triple threat looks like in this economy. Singer/dancer/REALITY SHOW JUDGE!

Diane Warren – What the hell happened to Adam Lambert? I had no clue Diane was in “Party Monster.” Club kid realness!

Trent Reznor – you know Goth is over when even Nine Inch Nails has turned into a frat boy. Head like a a-hole.

Justin Bieber – The original choice to play Annette Bening’s character in “The Kids are All Right.”

Robert Downey Jr – It’s the Globes, not a wedding. Put on a tux.

Annette Bening – She obviously shares a hairstylist with Al Pacino.

Sylvester Stallone – If he keeps it up, his face is going to start looking like Nicole Kidman’s.

Tilda Swinton – Rockin’ the new GapMormon Sister Wives chic … for men.

Al Pacino – Somebody call Jack Kevorkian and put an end to the misery of his endless speech.

Claire Danes – Did she win for playing Temple Grandin or Carol Brady?

Temple Grandin – Can she come to every award show… just because? You know, like Jennifer Love Hewitt does.

Zac Efron – Roids much?

Tina Fey & Steve Carrel – Funnier than “Date Night.”

Chris Hemsworth & Chris Evans – Is it me or is Evans a lot less hot standing next to Hemsworth? Team Thor!

Olivia Wilde – Out of this world. No really. If you squint you can see the Little Dipper.

Jane Fonda – Fresh from a nip/tuck and wearing remnants of Carol Burnett’s Norma Desmond curtain dress.

Matt Bomer – Gay eyes.

Jim Parsons – Gay eyes with a little Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neumann.

Melissa Leo – Unrecognizable. Like Zoe Saldana in “Avatar”, no one will know Melissa is the mom in The Fighter. Where were the sisters???

Robert De Niro – No wonder the Fockers sucks, he’s not funny! Gervais gets all the flack but he’s the one who made a lame racist joke. Deport him!

Megan Fox – Sorry but no matter how many gowns and jewels you throw on “4 AM Angelina Jolie,” she still looks like she should be cooking meth in a San Bernardino Super 8.

Halle Berry – The Curious Case of Halle Berry. How does she do it? Half-Black don’t crack either!

Paul Giamatti – Stole the award from my Jake!

Natalie Portman -- Forget the win, the dress and the baby, it’s all about the crazy Portman LAUGH. Awkward! I want it to be my ring tone. And she thanked everyone in her cast except … Winona! Stay away from any nail files, Nat.

Winona Ryder – Was not present to pick up her award for best comedic performance by a sometime actress.

Nicole Kidman – the only bump she hasn’t had smoothed over with Botox, Restalyne and plutonium … her baby bump! So much for the return of her face for “Rabbit Hole.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones (CSJ) – CZJ loves her some Astro Turf chic.

Lisa Chodolenko – Her next film should be SINGLE WHITE LESBIAN … starring Annette Bening.

Sandra Bullock – Bitchin’ bangs compliments of the Westminster Kennel Club. Best in show for sure.

Michael Douglas – Forget Laura Linney, he’s the real winner of the big C.

Mila Kunis – Lil CZJ ..if she were at an ‘80s prom in Queens.

Gabourey Sidibe – Her resort wear dress is available at a Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Anne Hathaway – Never mind her new gig on ‘Glee,’ Anne has a lock on playing Fallon Carrington in that new “Dynasty” movie.

Helena Bonham Carter – Rockin’ Emma Samms’ version of Fallon Carrington hair from ‘The Colbys”.

Michelle Williams – Please don’t pick the daisies!

Brad & Angelina – Every time Angelina applies lip gloss a third world baby gets adopted. She looked great,but it’s too bad by the time they made their way on to the red carpet even I was wearing an emerald dress!

2010 American Music Awards

2010-11-22T11:38:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2010 American Music Awards:

1. Either the Nokia Theatre is cursed, or good live performances are about as dead as Lindsay Lohan’s career.
2. Between Taylor Swift’s wig and Train’s glitter pants, the music biz has completely raided the “Hanna Montana” hair and wardrobe closet.
3. Somebody put baby in the corner and chloroform the Black Eyed Peas.
4. Since acting and singing aren’t working, Miley Cyrus really needs a viable exit strategy.
5. Not since Bush/Cheney has anyone fooled the American public as well as Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.
6. Christina Aguilera is a huge singer.
7. Justin Bieber proves “It Gets Better.”
8. Ke$ha has everyone beat in one department, she knows lip-synching can be your friend.
9. Being married to Gwen Stefani takes a toll on a man.
10. There are no winners in the BSBNKOTB reunion tour.

Last night can best be summed up by the following question: What if you threw a music award show and no one sang well?

As always send me any feedback to my email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

Be thankful it’s over.

Rihanna – She’s the only girl in the world that can pull off a Michelle Pfeiffer “Married to the Mob” guidette ‘do, a pair of onion ring Salt n Pepa door knocker earrings and thunder thighs.

Black Eyed Peas – Can you please sit this one out? I mean, seriously. They are relentless.

Manny & Cameron from ‘Modern Family’ – Will the real Chaz Bono please stand up?!

Enrique Iglesias – Yeah I Like It!

Miley Cyrus – Stevie Nicks FAIL. Please leave ballads to the grown-ups.

Diddy – Stick to producing, Puff Daddy.

Jessica Alba -- Gorgeous.

Taylor Swift – Wearing ‘The Olga’ -- a $19.99 Russian hooker wig from The Kim Zolciak Collection – I wasn’t sure if she was performing at the AMAs or on the lam from an abusive husband in a Lifetime movie (Thanks Michaela).

Samuel L. Jackson – Is there any award show he doesn’t present at?

Kid Rock – His performance was sponsored by your DVR’s fast forward button.

Johnny Weir & Christina Millian – If you let them mate you would get Snooki.

Katy Perry – She must have swallowed a firework, because cats being skinned alive sound more harmonious.

Nicki Minaj – You can fawn over her music, wigs and Gaga outfits, but is anyone going to ask “gay ally”, OUT mag cover girl and alleged bisexual Ms. Minaj why she let Eminem say “f**got” on their song “Roman’s Revenge?” Rah Rah!

Justin Bieber – Paging Peter Brady! When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange. He’s the most popular androgynous pop star since Boy George.

Mandy Moore – Amazon woman.

Bon Jovi – Just the old hits, Jersey boys. Just the old hits.

Pink – more like Rizzo from Pink Ladies. She’s wearing a bad outfit … for two! Don’t be fancy, just get dancey? Lyric FAIL.

Christina Aguilera – From Xtina to XLtina. If she keeps it up, her next duet will be with Kermit. BURLY-esque (thanks Lou).

Rascal Flats – Country music’s first out and proud lesbian band.

Usher – OMG, he sounded bad.

Swedish House Mafia – Will be heavily Googled today.

Avril Lavigne – Still rockin’ those 2002 pink extensions? And I thought dating Brody Jenner was the douchiest thing about her.

Train – Just when you thought BSBNKOTB were going to be the only grown ass men making a fool of themselves tonight!

Ke$ha – We R Who We R and Who We R is the Dog Bounty Hunter Dancers. Agree with Art, it’s a sad day when K$ has the best performance of the night. Apocalyp$e now! DJ turn the auto-tune up!

Gavin Rossdale – Um, WHAT?! Someone is going to have his credit cards taken away by Gwen Stefani. We’ve finally found Bush’s weapon of mass destruction. Bang a Gong Show!

BSBNKOTB – They forgot some initials like: SOS & RIP. “Oh my God, We’re Back Again!” “Tell Me Why” “Oh Oh Oh Oh! Oh Oh Oh Oh!” – their words not mine. Just sayin’.

2010 VMAs

2010-09-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

10 Things learned watching the 2010 MTV VMAs

1. Kanye and Taylor Swift really need to get over it, because we did …12 months ago!

2. There was no red carpet last night, other than the area rug directly underneath Lady Gaga’s beef carpaccio panty liners.

3. Travie McCoy, Jason Derulo and B.o.B are not the same person.

4. I just don’t get the allure of gender illusionist Justin Bieber.

5. Jared Leto’s music career is officially more successful than his acting one.

6. I am living for Florence and the Machine. LIVING!

7. Nicki Minaj is Lady Gaga … with a sense of humor and a booty! Child!

8. Gaga really has to stop with the ‘little monsters’nonsense. No, seriously.

9. There were more redheads running amok at the Nokia Theater last night than in that entire MIA video. Ginger Power!

10. The construction crew at the Nokia should get an award for safely assembling and removing all the scaffolding … from around Cher’s face.

From lame ass presenters like Victoria Justice (um, who?) to over-hyped self-indulgent performance feuds, the 2010 VMAs were the most underwhelming thing since Rihanna’s last album. While I did like the sett, where was a Britney meltdown or a faux-lesbian 3-way when you needed one?!

As always feel free to send me your comments and feedback at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. And, no, I didn’t do an Emmy recap last month. I couldn’t be bothered with all those boring ass television stars!

Eminem – All I know is he dueted with Rihanna, is friends with Elton John, came out in support of marriage equality, lost a lot of weight and wound up salvaging his career. Ok! Not that there’s anything wrong with that ….

Rihanna – Redhead #1. With her Draggedy Ann Run Lola Run weave, Madonna’s 1984 Like a Virgin Wedding gown and kd Lang’s Doc Martens, RiRi doesn’t have to worry cuz she’s the only girl in the world who will wear that.

Chelsea Handler – Everyone thinks she bombed. She made crass one-liners … that’s what she does and that’s why they hired her. What did y’all expect? She was def better than Russell BLAND … who was awful.

Lindsay Lohan – Redhead # 2 -- Yes, yes, making fun of yourself after royally fucking up is funny … until it isn’t. Stop going out at night. L.A. clubs are not that amazing! And get a goddamn driver for Christ’s sakes.

Lady Gaga – I’m torn. On one hand having the biggest pop star in the world right now be extremely vocal in pushing the “gay agenda” is fantastic, but doing so while covered in prime rib or peacock feather headgear makes it a little hard for people to take your message seriously. Don’t ask, don’t try so hard!

Jack Ass – The most anticipated movie … of 2002.

Justin Bieber – I understand the Dorothy Hamil, the Farrah and the Rachel, but who would of thought Hilary Swank in ‘Boys Don’t Cry” would be the inspiration for the next big hair trend … 10 years later. Baby! Baby! Oh!

Ke$ha – She looked like Paris Hilton … if Paris had grown up in Thunderdome.

Katy Perry -- At least she didn’t sing California Ghouls again. It’s the little things you need to be thankful for, people.

Nicki Minaj – Clown Gaga is giving us Lil Kim realness. Barbie better watch her back because Kim will cut huh!

Will.i.Am. – Black face performance outfit compliments of the BP spill. Save the Gulf!

Ashley Green – Gorgeous!

Jared Leto – Sing to me Jordan Catalano!

Florence & the Machine – Redhead # 3 -- Love them but the lead singer says she’s 24. She’s either led a really hard life or she must mean in Rachel Zoe years. Beyatch, please!

Amber Riley (Glee) – Mini dress debacle. Who’s her stylist? Precious?

Jane Lynch -- or Leader of the Rebel Alliance. Someone get her a track suit, stat!

Usher – I’m such a sucker for Jennifer Lopez “Waiting for Tonight” video green lasers, so I enjoyed his Tron –esque performance.

Taylor Swift – Please she was not upset at Kanye -- although we're supposed to think she was because she's performing BAREFOOT. She should be thankful for all that good PR. The only other way to get the entire country on your side is … to have your husband cheat on you with every skanky tatted up Nazi stripper chick in the country.

Jesse Eisenberg, the new Spider Man, Justin Timberlake – Jesse should never stand next to anyone. Poor thing.

Drake – you fancy ha?! Cue Wendy Williams. How you doin’?

Joe Mangiello “True Blood” – Team Jacob, who? Whoa! Now that is a man.

Evan Rachel Wood – Redhead #4 -- She is definitely the Queen of the Vampires .. but not on “True Blood” … for incessantly dating Marilyn Manson!

Jersey Shore – As someone who went to a predominantly guido high school in Queens, I can tell you guys, we’re laughing at you, not with you! Well, except for Snookie. Love me some Snooks! Waaaah!

Sofia Vergara – Charo 2.0. She’s totally playing up that accent more than ever. I don’t buy it. Next award show she turns up with a poncho, a burro and a vat of coffee beans. It’s her shtick. Cuchi cuchi!

Hayley Williams/Paramore -- Redhead #5 AND #6 for the extra deep red yarn bump it on her head. … now that was Misery Business!

Bruno Mars – La Bamba, is that you?

Robyn – Poor girl didn’t even get an introduction or chyron on the screen. Rude! Securrrity! Some little Macaulay Culkin-esque gal is dancing up over the stage.

Victoria Justice – Wait, that’s not the chick from “Vampire Diaries’? Then who da hell is she?

Penn Badgley – I do. Sorry, Jake!

Emma Stone – Redhead #7 – She’s like Lindsay Lohan … without the DUI, prison, movie flops, trashy family, rehab, SCRAM bracelet, rehab again, 2nd prison stint, failed music career, rehab again, God knows how many aborties and tumultuous lesbian relationship. Godspeed, Em.

Linkin Park – ‘Memba them? I though they went away w Korn and Limp Bizkit. That being said, I loved the Griffith Observatory performance. LA needs to work on having more concerts there.

Kanye West – Rock vs. Disco. East Coast vs. West Coast. Kanye vs. that little white girl? Music battle FAIL. Don’t write songs about dbags, just stop being one! Auto-tune that, Mr. West.

Cher – Not even Trump Tower has that much marble, brass, steel reinforcements and caulking going on. Who knew they made orthopedic cat suits? But it’s nice to see all her hydraulics and pulleys working properly. Cannot wait for the shit show that is going to be “Burlesque.” Heaven!

2010 Oscars

2010-03-08T15:47:00.001-08:00

Things learned watching the 82nd Annual Academy Awards:

1. A lot of powerful people in Hollywood really hate James Cameron.

2. The ABC pre-show proves there’s a very good reason why Kathy Ireland was a model.

3. Silver and gold are the colors to wear this season … if you want to look washed out.

4. With apologies to Miley, Zoe and Kristen, but the Oscars just aren’t the same without real Hollywood glamazon presenters like Nicole, Halle and Salma.

5. Musical opening, Brat pack reunion, Taylor, Zac, Jake and Ryan, horror movie tribute and So You Think You Can Dance. Had there been a runway walk off I’d swear I had produced last night’s show. Thank you, Adam Shankman.

6. More than just the accountants at Price Waterhouse know the results before airtime. How else to explain notoriously snubbed director Babs presenting to Kathryn Bigelow, Tom Hanks referencing war pic winner “Casablanca” moments before announcing “Hurt Locker’s” win or even former standup comic turned Oscar winner Robin Williams presenting to standup comic turned Oscar winner Mo’Nique?

7. If Mimi & JLo are both on the Oscar red carpet you have ask them about “Glitter” and “Gigli”! Where’s Joan Rivers when you need her?!

8. I thought “Mom, I’m gay” we’re the most difficult words I’ve ever had to utter until … “Sandra Bullock, Oscar winner.”

The Davey beat Goliath Oscars. The War of the Roses Oscars. The Sandra Bullock Won Oscars. Whatever you want to call ‘em, I thought it was one of the faster paced shows in a while...which isn’t really say much! So whether you watched them or not (some people don’t watch the Oscars???) here are my thoughts on last night’s Gay Super Bowl. As always feel free to send me your thoughts and comments. And if you want to be added to my distribution list shoot me an email with your info at:

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

-Johnny Lopez

Neil Patrick Harris – And you thought Hugh Jackman was the only musical theater-trained gay actor that could host the Oscars?! Consider NPH’s 2011 host audition complete.

Alec Baldwin & Steve Martin – Sorry Hugh, Ellen, Billy & Whoopi, but two hosts are better than one.

Penelope Cruz – Why is it that people have no problem with an actor with a French, Italian or German accent, but Penny’s Spanish accent is always critiqued for not being perfect English? Tell me how many non-English languages you can speak, sing, act and dance flawlessly in? Gracias!

Christoph Waltz – Anyone else thing Hans Landa was gay? How else do you explain his last scene in “Inglorious Basterds”? Without spoiling it for those who haven’t seen it… if you could only save one person in your life, who would it be? Your husband/wife? Your mom? A good friend? Or your BOYFRIEND? BINGO!

Ryan Reyonlds – Presenting one of the nominated films. Thank You, Adam Shankman.

Cameron Diaz – Gorge. Stunning. Someone got some new Rosacea meds b/c it was the best she’s ever looked. Perhaps her stylist should pick out her movie roles too.

Miley Cyrus & Amanda Seyfried – Proving not all Hollywood starlets are created equal. Amanda was dressed for the Oscars, while Miley was heading to her best friend’s shotgun wedding picnic in Kentucky. Can teens get osteoporosis? Stand up straight, Miles!

Chris Pine – Presenting one of the nominated films. Thank You, Adam Shankman.

Robert Downey & Tina Fey – The funniest thing about their writer/actor bit … Tina’s ‘80s lesbian mullet.

John Hughes Tribute – In case you didn’t realize, the Academy would like to remind you that aging sucks! No matter how well you think someone has aged, they haven’t! Exhibit A: Matthew Broderick. Exhibit B: Alec Baldwin. Exhibit C: Everyone in any John Hughes film.

Molly Ringwald – fresh from her stint competing on “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” Sashay you stay!

Judd Nelson – Will the last person to leave the Kodak Theater please make sure Judd has enough change for the bus home.

Anthony Michael Hall – His face has been through some Weird Science.

Macaulay Culkin – How the hell is THAT with Mila Kunis? BIZARRE!

Emilio Estevez – Looks like everyone forgot about him or did Charlie Sheen’s fucked up life dramz keep him from the “Breakfast Club” reunion?

Sam Jackson – Giving Mo’nique’s acceptance speech the stank eye. Precious!

Zoe Saldana – How do you say “WTF are you wearing?” in Na’vi? Since no one knows she’s in “Avatar,” at least she’ll be remembered for wearing this purple color-blocked feather duster koosh dress.

Documentary Short/Kanye Moment – Fave moment of the night was watching that “Music by Prudence” queen get bum rushed by that crazy Real Housewife of Long Island in her purple Barney duster. Security!

Ben Stiller – The only person wearing more makeup than John Travolta.

Jake Gyllenhaal – Complete and total perfection.

Adapted Screenplay for “Precious” – Of all the scenes they chose to air the clip where Precious steals the fried chicken? Really?

Rachel McAdams – ‘memba her?

Queen Latifah – Looking slimmer. And no, she wasn’t in “Precious.”

Lauren Bacall – The only thing worse than never winning an Oscar … getting an HONORARY Oscar. Wah Wah Waaaaah. You know she still hasn’t forgiven Juliette Binoche for stealing her Supporting Actress award in 1997.

Mo’Nique – Groundbreaking! The first hairy-legged woman to win an Oscar! But the tone of her acceptance speech was so angry I thought she was gonna throw a TV at my head, make me eat hairy pigs feet or tell me to come up and make mama feel good!

Colin Firth – Will never look as good as he did in ‘A Single Man’ … none of us will.

Tom Ford & Sarah Jessica Pretty – So pretty, but what was up with SJP?! Give us more Carrie Bradshaw, and less Carol Brady. And the whole Bram Stoker’s Dracula hair just didn’t work for me. FAIL

Costume Designer winner Sandy Powell – Bitch! Attention all future Oscar winners: dedicating your THIRD win to all the losers in your industry is like saying your filet mignon at The Palm is for Haiti.

Charlize Theron – Was she picked to introduce “Precious” because she’s technically African? Boob dress by Pinkberry swirl.

Kristen Stewart – Looking about as comfortable in a gown as Jodie Foster and Queen Latifah. If you think she’s really dating Robert Pattinson, then I also have a really nice bridge in Brooklyn for sale.

Taylor Lautner – That’s Dame Taylor Lautner to you! Why wasn’t he shirtless? Thanks for nothing, Adam Shankman!

Horror movie tribute – Sadly, “Leprechaun” is the only time a clip from a Jen Aniston film will ever be shown at the Oscars. The biggest omission of the night wasn’t Farrah or Bea Arthur from the dead montage but “The Ugly Truth” from this horror homage.

What’s with all the creep blonde winners for “Hurt Locker”?

John Travolta – Who died and told him he could wear jeans to the Oscars? Oopsies.

Sandra Bullock – All I knows is that if I was gonna win an Oscar I wouldn’t have worn that dress …or the Maybelline fuchsia lip tint. Kudos for acknowledging the gays and for the touching mom speech. I know a lot of peeps are up in arms that she won an Oscar, but in her defense, Sandy was one of the only redeeming things in Coinky Dinks i.e. “Crash” and was pretty good in whichever Truman Capote biopic she was in. Besides, Julia Roberts and Reese Witherspoon have Oscars and they ain’t exactly Hepburn or Streep either!

Demi Moore – 47 and flawless. Introducing the In Memoriam because she will live forever!

In Memoriam – Still so weird about Brittany Murphy.

Best song nominees – You can’t sing at the Oscars, but James Taylor can!

Jennifer Lopez – You thought her dress was strange? Well, it’s what all the girls are wearing to their quinceneras … on Planet GaGa.

Dance segment – You got served, Hurt Locker! RIP Debbie Allen.

Gerard Butler & Bradley Cooper – Neither is dating Jen Aniston nor Renee Zellweger. Just sayin’.

Keanu Reeves – The Curious Case of Keanu Reeves.

Colin Farrell – in Brad Pitt “Inglorious Basterds” drag.

Julianne Moore – In case you are keeping count, that’s Sandra Bullock - 1, Mo’Nique - 1, Jen Hudson – 1, Mira Sorvino – 1. Julianne – ZERO.

Forest Whitaker – Was he on some episode of Celebrity Fit Club that nobody knows about? The lovely bones.

Oprah Winfrey – If O really wanted to help Gaby Sidibe she’d have her meet with Dr. Oz.

Sean Penn – He was more intelligible as Jeff Spicoli. Sober up, Sue Ellen!

Barbra Streisand – She couldn’t get Hillary in the White House but she helped get Kathryn B into the history books. Papa can you hear that!

Kathryn Bigelow – Kat’s two wins make her the new deuce Bigelow! What woman is about to make Hollywood history and doesn’t bother to get her hair done??? Can you believe she’s 58? I hope she used her Avatar to sleep with James Cameron when they were married.

James Cameron – How long before he trades in his 5th wife Suzy Amis for an upgrade? Which by the looks of Suzy’s ashy, brittle veneer, could be Farrah or Bea. Somewhere Linda Hamilton is laughing hysterically … while cutting her arm.

Meryl Streep – If Mama Meryl hasn’t won one since 1982, how good can she really be? I kid. I kid.

Gabby Sidibe – That bitch is fearless, working all these award shows like she’s done it for years. I just wish the media and everyone else would stop treating her like she’s a Make a Wish kid having her dreams come true or some sort of reality show contestant who magically won an Oscar nom. Every time she’s interviewed you can almost hear the “Ahhhhhs.” Stop! She’s a grown ass woman! She really isn’t the character Precious. Her dad didn’t rape her and she can read!!!

Maggie G -- I loved her dress … when it was my cousin’s childhood bed sheets. It’s a perfect outfit for dinner at the Captain’s table, not the Governor’s ball.

Vera Farmiga – Unless you are 22 years-old and weigh 100 lbs that dress just makes you look like you are about to perform ‘La Isla Bonita” on whatever cruise ship Maggie was on.

Jeremy Renner – How many chicks do you think he banged last night?

George Clooney – Shaved his beard and then brought one on his arm.

Tom Hanks – Winner of this year’s Elizabeth Taylor “Gladiator” impression award for announcing Best Picture winner at record speed. Who else rewound the DVR?

Kathy Ireland – For the same effect, ABC should have saved their money and just put a crash test dummy on the red carpet instead.

That’s all folks …

2010 Grammys

2010-02-01T16:00:00.001-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2010 Grammy Awards:

1. Thanks to Gaga, Beyonce and the Black Eyed Peas, all future pop performances must include background dancers that look like characters straight out of “Star Wars.”
2. Kaley Cuoco, who? Simon Baker, what? The Grammys are a great way for CBS to introduce their stars to the 95 and under crowd.
3. If Jamie Foxx asks you to be in his musical number, RUN.
4. Unless you are an accused child molester with a penchant for extreme surgical procedures who overdoses on a myriad of drugs, your Grammy lifetime achievement award will be relegated to a one-line mention prior to introducing future music legends like Ke$ha and Justin Bieber. I’m talking to you, Leonard Cohen and Loretta Lynn.
5. Three dimensional theatrics should be left in the hands of blue 7 foot manimals, because without the 3D glasses all I witnessed was how Paula Abdul sees the world.
6. Lady GaGa on a red carpet is the new ‘80s Cher. It’s not who she’s wearing, but WTF is she wearing.
7. Prior to Colbert’s win, the last time the Best Comedy Album award was televised was … never.
8. There’s a better chance that I’m Prince and Paris Jackson’s biological father than Jacko.
9. Album of the year? OMG! ‘Memba when people bought those?!
10. The Taylor Swift backlash starts now.

With over 100 official categories, it’s almost harder to not win a Grammy. Thankfully, they only televise a handful of carefully calculated ones, leaving the rest of the show for an alternating mix of amazing (Pink), embarrassing (Taylor & Stevie) and downright boring performances (Sorry Maxwell/Roberta). So whether you watched them or not, here are my thoughts on last night’s Grammys. As always feel free to send me your comments, thoughts and rants to thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. Oscars in a month!

-Johnny Lopez

Lady GaGa – By now the most shocking thing she could ever possibly wear is …a little black dress. I can’t believe we were denied an on-air acceptance speech from her crazy ass. She must be pissed. I mean she essentially wore the Chrysler Building on her head and was only able to give it face time from her seat. What’s the point in being weird, if no one can ridicule you?!

Elton John – performing with Gags-- a Lady and a Sir, but who’s who? Elton has finally made it up to the gay community for singing with Eminem at the Grammys nine years ago. The last time Elton had that much dust on his face, he was partying with Boy George in the ‘80s.

Stephen Colbert – Um, is one recurring bad joke and two appearances all that constitute being the host of an award show these days? I seriously thought the Grammys were host-free this year.

Jennifer Lopez – Can you believe it’s been ten years since her infamous plunging Versace 2000 Grammy dress? Damn, that was three engagements, two marriages and about seven bad films ago!

Green Day – These little men never seem to age. Can you still be punk rock if you’re on Broadway? If they aren’t careful and don’t stop wearing eyeliner soon they are liable to wind up looking like Alice Cooper … or a Real Housewife of Orange County.

Taylor Swift – must be stopped. Album of the year? Really! Where’s Kanye West when you need him? If nothing else, can someone please do something about her dishwater blonde Ore-Ida crinkle cut curls?? Stay tuned for Taylor’s boob job, unwanted pregnancy and Kid Rock sex tape.

Stevie Nicks – Just when you thought Lindsay Lohan’s rendition of “Edge of Seventeen” was the biggest Stevie Nicks pop travesty, Taylor somehow convinces Nicks to sing backup for her. Is Stevie’s mortgage due? Somewhere Christine McVie is laughing.

Beyonce – She’s truly an original for … singing Alanis, with Rhythm Nation backup dancers while moving like Tina Turner! Her production values -- and horse weaves -- are flawless, too bad she has the fashion sense of a developmentally challenged showgirl. Guess you can’t have it all. If you were a boy … you wouldn’t wear such bad dresses.

Pink – Yes, it was everyone’s favorite performance. But you wouldn’t be so surprised had you remembered her trapeze VMA performance or seen her recent tour where she ended EVERY show doing that suspended in the air/ underwater spiral number. She’s the most underrated popstar. Maybe if she shaved her head, got beat up by her boyfriend or wore a lampshade on the red carpet peeps would take notice of her awesomeness.

Miranda Lambert – Wearing a vintage St. Francis Prep Class of ’89 prom dress.

Zac Brown Band – More like Zac Galifanakis Band. Or as my friend Jon commented, “Country bear jamboree.” Best new artist?? Drink yer juice, Recording Academy. Drink yer juice!

Miley Cyrus – Her outfit was a little Amanda Woodward/D+D Advertising /Melrose Place Version 1.0 meets “Jersey Shore: Celebrity Edition.” It won’t be long before she’s partying at Karma with her boob job, Newports and a Red Bull vodka!

Black Eyed Peas – WTF! No, really, WTF! I don’t know what it is about BEP but anything they touch becomes instantly uncool. They are the anti-GaGa. And it’s weird because they both sing nonsensical bubblegum dance pop but the end result is soooo different. Seriously, the only things they forgot to bring out on that stage were the California Raisins and the Lollipop Guild. I gotta feeling alright.

Jonas Brothers – I’m slowly moving away from Team Joe and over to Team Nick. Slowly.

Lady Antebellum – Country group or anti-diarrhea medicine for women?

Norah Jones – When did she become such a hot babe? Her Furtado-style folk to floozy makeover must mean a Timbaland duet is imminent.

Jamie Foxx – Somebody please remind him he’s an Oscar winner. I’m gonna blame that performance on something and it ain’t the al al al alcohol. From a bandleader meets Denzel in “Glory” ensemble to T-Pain as aYeti conductor, the unearthing of Slash and even getting Precious to dance on stage at the end, the whole thing was such a cataclysmal disaster I think I’m going to have to organize a telethon on its behalf.

Ke$ha – You know the nude musical show Goddess in “Showgirls?” Well if that really existed, Ke$ha’s outfit is something Nomi Malone might wear in it at around 6am … on her way home. Tik tok make it stop!

Justin Bieber – I think it’s amazing that teens today have an out lesbian pop princess.

Katy Perry – Was she really wearing some sort of bindi jewelry? For the love of Gwen Stefani, she does know her song is “I Kissed a Girl” not “I’m just a girl,” right?

Nicole Kidman – I don’t care how long she’s contractually bound to Keith Urban, raise your hand if you will never get used to the idea of seeing Nicole at music award shows. Bizarre.

Alice Cooper – Sometimes embalming fluid doesn’t take.

Chris O’Donnell – For a guy who’s as boring as fuck, this is the hottest he’s looked since he put on those fake muscles and cod piece to take down the Batman franchise with Clooney.

Michael Jackson’s blurry tribute – 3D Fail. Did anyone not seated in the Staples Center actually get the 3D glasses? If so, NERD! The former “King of Pop” dies and all they can muster up are 2 American Idols, Usher, Celine and the crystallized remnants of Smokey Robinson? Even the VMAs got Madge and Janet. Grammys, This Is It?

Prince Michael and Paris Jackson – It’s clear from looking at these two white children who their biological parents really are: John Mayer and Vera Farmiga! And where the hell was Blanket?

Bon Jovi – Jon still looks great. Richie Sambora on the other hand has morphed into a male-to-female transgender Long Island housewife/ Michael Meyers’ Linda Richman. Tawk amongst yuhselves.

Rihanna – Last year on Grammy weekend she got beat up by Chris Brown, this year her stylist had the honors.

Jay-Z – in a tux. Maybe he is the new Sinatra.

Solange’s son Julez (he went up w RiRi and Jay Z) – or was it Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman?

Wyclef Jean – Talk about making lemonade out of lemons. He hasn’t gotten this much screen time in over a decade. He’s an aftershock away from getting a Grammy next year.

Dave Matthews Band – The way he dances is really special. I thought you weren’t supposed to like them after you graduated college.

Ricky Martin – His career may not be hot, but at least he still is. Papi!

Roberta Flack – Killing me softly with botox …and wearing the latest from the Lion King wig line.

Quentin Tarantino – He’s transmogrified into some sort of weird amalgam of Johnny Cash, Fat Elvis and Robin Williams.

Drake, Lil Jon and Eminem – I thought it was bleep bleep but I didn’t think the bleep bleep bleep was all the bleep bleep. No record label bleep bleep pull up your pants bleep bleep stop being such a homophobe bleep bleep.

Britney Spears – I’m concerned. Not so much for Brit, but for her agent/boyfriend who was ok with her wearing Elvira’s bathing suit and beach throw to the show. Sheer madness! I think her conservatorship needs a conservatorship. The question is, will she ever perform at an award show again … and live?

2010 Golden Globes

2010-01-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

Things learned watching the 2010 Golden Globes:

1. Nobody – especially the staff at the Beverly Hills Hilton -- watches weather reports in Los Angeles.
2. Screw an Oscar or a private jet, in Hollywood it’s all about your umbrella assistant!
3. Everybody had ruffles on their dresses, and I don’t mean the potato chips on Precious’ gown.
4. Blame Snooki, but orange bronzer is the new Pandora blue.
5. All a celebrity needs to do to not feel guilty for spending $5000 on an outfit, riding in a limo and drinking bottles of Dom in the middle of a world crisis is … slap on a pin.
6. After being exhumed from the LaBrea Tar Pits and injected with 1000 cc of formaldehyde, Cher has miraculously become her own Avatar.
7. If Mo’Nique, Drew Barrymore and Sandra Bullock can win acting awards, so can you.
8. That guy who co-wrote (not directed) “Up in the Air” is kinda sorta hot.
9. Due to the weather, arrivals should have been held underneath Mariah Carey’s boobs.
10. With Avatar and The Hangover winning, the Globes have officially become the Kids Choice Awards. Somebody slime Julia Roberts, stat!

I love the Globes because it’s the one award show where the biggest stars of film and TV sit in the same room … and totally ignore each other. So whether you watched or not, I’m sending you my recap. Feel free to send me know your thoughts, comments and observations at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. Until the SAG Awards next week!

-Johnny Lopez

Ricky Gervais – Between Neil Patrick Harris (Tonys,Emmys), Russell Brand (VMAs) and Queen Latifah (Peoples Choice), Ricky proves you have to be gay or foreign to host an award show … or in Hugh Jackman’s case –both!

Nicole Kidman – The only thing worse than her box office tally is Nicole’s insistence of wearing flesh-colored gowns. Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse -- Nicole presenting an acting award to Mo’Nique.

Mo’Nique – Best speech. But now that she’s a serious award-winning actress I can’t wait for her next film … Soul Plane 2! She may not shave her legs, but I bet Taylor Lautner does! And I thought she didn’t like hairy pigs’ feet!

Toni Collette – I’m more likely to see dead people, than the United States of Tara.

Mickey Rourke – or was it Johnny Depp’s wax sculpture? The outfit makes me believe he still thinks he’s starring in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man. Face by Play Doh.

William Hurt/John Hamm – Biggest beards of the night … next to George Clooney’s lady friend Elisabetta Canalis.

Penelope Cruz – Amber alert! Even gorgeous Latinas fall prey to the diabolical lure of the spray tan.

Marion Cotillard – Was that a slip under her dress or Demi Moore’s Oscar bike shorts?

Jeremy Piven – Sportin’ the latest from the Gene Simmons Wig Collection – also great on baked on, dried in foods!

Michael C. Hall – For those who don’t know, yes he’s going through cancer treatments.

Paul McCartney – When did he undergo gender reassignment? Isn’t it strange that the Beatles have inspired everyone, yet Paul’s biggest influence appears to be Susan Boyle!

Felicity Huffman – Possibly the only person to blow more lines than Amy Winehouse.

January Jones and Carey Mulligan – You are not NYC prep school students on “Gossip Girl,” leave the headbands at home.

Anna Paquin – It’s nice to see someone recycled the garland on all those discarded curbside Christmas trees.

Glenn Close – was robbed. Damages – Best. Show. On. Television.

Harrison Ford & Calista Flockhart – ‘Memba when they started dating way back when and everyone thought it was weird? Yeah, still weird.

Cher – I love a really good Morticia Addams female impersonator! I can forgive the dress and the bone morphing, but the Rite-Aid wig is inexcusable.

Christina Aguilera – Xtina is one smart lady, because she knows even RuPaul doesn’t look like a tranny next to Cher.

T. Bone Burnett – Wayfarers indoors. Really?

Colin Farrell – It’s awful, but I think he was hotter when he smoked and drank.

Meryl Streep – Her speech …it’s complicated. She lost me around the point where her dead mother told her to donate to Haiti … or something like that.

Helen Mirren – Still the Queen. Just to put into perspective how flawless Helen looks, Susan Boyle is 16 years YOUNGER than Mirren.

Zoe Saldana – How much does it suck that you are the female lead in what is sure to become the biggest grossing film in history … and no one knows it. She’s a glorified Smurfette! I do love that she’s a Latina (Dominicana de Nueva Jersey!).

Kevin Bacon – Can’t decide if he’s aging well or not?

Joan Allen – in SAW VII. What has she done to herself?

Sigourney Weaver – The one person who could have benefited from the Orange Bronzer Mishap of 2010. Like my good friend Greg pointed out, can someone explain why Sigourney’s avatar in the movie was a high school lesbian track star?

Cameron Diaz – That red fitted sheet dress is proof that “The Box” was not the worst thing she’s been in this year.

Jennifer Aniston – Finger lickin’ good. While the Brangelina’s away, the Aniston will show off her extra crispy leg, hip and thigh!

Gerard Butler – Amber Alert! If the Globes had a category for horror films, Gerard and Katherine Heigl would win for “The Ugly Truth.”

Jen Garner – The debate is over. She is not attractive.

Samuel L. Jackson – Not wearing a backwards Kangol cap is his fashion equivalent of a Jennifer Grey nose job. Unrecognizable.

Sophia Loren – The OG Guidette. While she is beautiful, the tinted glasses make her look like your Aunt Gina on Long Island.

Christina Hendricks – Wowza! Her golden globes are Precious!

Taylor Lautner – If I write how I feel I will be arrested.

Jane Lynch – Wearing a gown! Is it 2012?!

Chloe Sevigny – I wanted to rip her dress too, but at least for once she wasn’t wearing some discarded ‘80s prom dress.

Halle Berry – Doesn’t age. Granted she’s still sportin’ that 2000 ‘do, but damn!

Jodie Foster – She looked great, but then again she should … after spending all that time in the damn closet.

Mel Gibson – You gotta love a strict catholic who drinks and drives, makes misogynistic and anti-Semitic rants and has children out of wedlock. And gay marriage is the downfall of society????

James Cameron – What’s with all the dudes rockin’ lesbian chic tonight? His fifth wife Suzy shouldn’t get too comfortable; he tends to leave them after a huge blockbuster. Speaking of his wife, can’t he hook her up with some CGI? His pat-yourself-on-the-back-Hollywood speech made me cringe even more than when “Titanic” swept the Oscars. Seriously, did anyone who was not in high school when it came out actually like “Titanic?” I don’t believe you.

“Glee” – I am a fan. But why don’t they let the 2 Cheerios, the black guy and other Asian kid do any press or go to the awards?

Reese Witherspoon – She really is the best actress in the world … for figuring out a way to sleep with both Ryan Philippe and Jake Gyllenhaal. Beyatch!

Tobey Maguire – When did he marry Leona Lewis?

Gaby Sidibe – She does realize she will forever be called Precious, right? And by forever, I mean two more months until the Oscars and then disappears to Keisha Castle Hughes land.

Sandra Bullock – Left nothing to the blind side with that sheer Barney dress. While I haven’t seen “Precious with Football,” I so want her to win the Oscar just to piss off Julia even more for passing on it and making that snore “Duplicity” instead. While there’s no forgiving Speed 2, Sandy was one of the only good things in “Crash” and which ever Truman Capote bio pic she was in.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with the movie “Abba dabba Dar.”

Robert Downey Jr. – Every day I go into work waiting for the news that he was found holed up in a Reno hotel with an eight ball and three hookers. It’s terrible, but I worry.

Leo & Kate – 12 years after “Titanic” and no DUIs, rehab or reality shows. Amazing!

Julia “I love my life” Roberts – Wearing her James Cameron Heart of the Ocean Titanic Commemorative Necklace. She has officially become pretty irritating woman.

2009 AMAs

2009-11-23T13:25:00.000-08:00

Things learned watching the 2009 American Music Awards:

1. Taylor Swift can do no wrong. America, meet your first woman President.

2. Either the show took place in Thunderdome or we are in the midst of a serious post-apocalyptic fashion moment.

3. Thanks in part to Janet, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys & Mary J, tonight’s performance was presented in HD – hip definition.

4. Sofia Vergara is the hottest woman in the world.

5. Chaz Bono has caused a celebrity gender reassignment trend, as Val Kilmer has quietly become Kathleen Turner.

6. As proven by Jacko, Britney and Whitney, only two things that can resuscitate a stalled pop music career – death and rehab.

7. Everyone has jumped on the Lady GaGa tip and has turned the pop music landscape into one big avant-garde art installation piece. No performance/video is complete without a series of masks, robotic alien-like creatures or spastic bodily twitches.

8. “Idol” has hijacked the AMAs. With so many former American Idols winners and losers performing (and not lip-synching), I was half-way expecting to see Fantasia and Taylor Hicks up there too… assuming they got their Olive Garden shifts covered.

9. One word – Jermajesty.

Forget VH1, with Janet, JLo, Rihanna, Shakira, Whitney, Gaga, Carrie, Kelly & Glambert, last night was divas live. So whether you thought J.Lo bit it more than Adam or if Whitney’s voice wasn’t all it’s cracked out to be, here is the recap.

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Janet Jackson – She’s gone from Rhythm Nation to Ewok Nation! No one will ever understand why Janet didn’t give in to the pantless, camel toe craze that has over taken female pop stars (GaGa, RiRi, Shakira, Pink, Madonna etc...) and instead chose to wear a saggy, shit brown Robin Hood pant suit. While we all love a best of medley, it seems the only way JJ will get a new hit is if she goes for a ride in Chris Brown’s Lambo.

Paula Abdul – the long lost eldest Kardashian surfaces.

Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling” may quite possibly be the hardest thing to bury since Michael Jackson. Make it stop. The Black Eyed Peas sampling Nirvana … 2012 has officially arrived!

Rascal Flats – I had no idea Chaz Bono was their lead singer.

Pete Wentz – Goodbye guyliner and emo weave … hello hotness.

Daughtry – bathroom break.

Shakira – Love me some Shaks, but didn’t we like this number better the first time …when Beyonce did it.

Sofia Vergara – She can “rape” me anytime. She ‘dated’ Tom Cruisazy after Penelope and before Katie … and got out alive. She knows things!

Keith Urban – What an ass … literally. Damn!

Reba McEntyre – If she’s really friends with Clarkson, then she needs to give girlfriend some advice … or, at the very least, a mirror!

Kelly Clarkson – Wearing the same dress as Fergie … but in the mother of the bride version. I had no clue she was in the NRA, how else to explain her need to excessively flaunt her right to bare arms.

Alicia Keys & Jay Z – So where did they hide Lil Mama’s body?

Christian Slater – Beavis, is that you? If Tyra has a fivehead, he’s got a ninehead. His face repels all lines … including his hairline.

Kate Hudson – Ill-fitting dress or double mastectomy?

Jermaine Jackson – He will never win an Oscar, but he definitely looks like one.

Kris Allen – ‘Memba him? You can come but you can’t perform. Sometimes when you win, you lose. He’s the white Ruben Studdard.

Rihanna – Somebody tee pee’d RiRi! When can we stop feeling bad for her or making excuses for her lackluster new album? She better remix the shit out of it.

Carrie Underwood – The whore-ification of Carrie continues. You know her label is freaking out and trying to figure out how to compete with that younger, blonder country singer. Don’t be surprised if Carrie’s next video features a pole, T-Pain and Lil Jon.

Lady GaGa – Donatella meets “District 9.” While I secretly loved the Jane Fonda Aerobics choreography and the hermaphy-like fleshy appendage flap thing on her crotch, once you bleed and hang yourself at the VMAs there’s nowhere to go but under whelmed. And as if I needed anymore excuses for having simulated runway walk offs in my life, I thank Gags for penning the official anthem to my internal dialogue...”walk walk fashion baby work it move that bitch crazy.”

Drake, Kid Cudi, Jeremih – Or as everyone refers to each of them: “that guy that sings that song.”

Mary J. Blige – Without theatrics, legions of dancers or near-nudity, her simple yet boring performance came off as one of the most original of the night.

Gloriana – Country band or the new “Real World” cast?

J.Lo – Let’s get ready to Tummmmmmble. The fly girl has fallen …on her Louboutins. Despite the misstep, I actually liked the performance. Shirtless muscle men make everything better. And now I can’t get that damn chorus out my head.

Whitney Houston – Singing in heaven. It’s a miracle she’s alive, let alone singing live. At least the Whitney sweats have been rehabilitated down to Defcon Level Four status.

Bobbi Christina – When one Houston is saved, another is lost. This will not end well.

Leona Lewis – My Little Pony.

Melissa Etheridge – Yikes! She’s one polyester red weave away from Wynonna Judd territory.

Seth Green and his girlfriend – How much E were they on? Get a room!

Eminem – MANOREXIA Nervosa

Nelly Furtado – Chola transformation is now complete. Do not pass go. Proceed directly to El Monte.

Green Day – Billie Armstrong or Kelly Osbourne?

Ryan Seacrest – Looked a little off. Not sure if it was just the bigger hair or the injectables.

Taylor Swift – She actually beat out Michael Jackson for Entertainer of the Year and she didn’t have to die! And what the hell is she still doing up at 4 am? Rehearsing? Mmmm Hmmmm. One photograph of her holding a cig and it’s all over.

Adam Lambert – Never mind Simon, no one will judge the out “American Idol” runner-up harder than the gays. With everyone on that stage wearing eyeliner and asymmetrical haircuts, I could barely tell if he was kissing/groping men or women. Regardless, the most shocking thing wasn’t his pansexual Pussycat Doll-like antics, but the sound of his over the top cackle! And being given such a huge platform (of closing the show) for a new artist with nary a hit or any performance history other than Idol, Adam was set up to fall ... literally. It’s nearly impossible to be a big successful male pop star (name one besides Timberlake!), let alone out and proud. So I for one am rooting for Glambert, if for no other reason than he’s all we got.

2009 VMAs

2009-09-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

The 2009 MTV VMAs -- 9/14/09

Things learned by watching the 2009 VMAs

1. The VMAs should always be in NYC. The Paramount Lot can’t compete with the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority.

2. In case of emergency, Madonna’s cheeks may be used as a flotation device.

3. Pink and Shakira need to have a serious talk with the House of Balmain. Where’s Rachel Zoe when you need her?

4. Camel toe is the new black. See Beyonce, GaGa, Amber Rose, Katy Perry, Pink.

5. If you didn’t know who Taylor Swift was before, now ya do! No sex tape or flashing her Britney necessary.

6. Despite my better judgment and the fact that “Twilight” was total BASURA, I still kinda wanna see “New Moon.” Damn you, Jacob!

7. As proved by her bloody performance, Lady GaGa is not a man … PERIOD.

Minus Russell Brand, it was the best VMAs in a long time -- and all it took was the death of an icon and the public humiliation of a teenager to make it happen. If you didn’t catch the show, watch it the same place you view music videos … on Youtubes.

As always, feel free to send me your comments and feedback at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Madonna -- The Queen of Pop honors the late King of Pop by talking about … herself! Beside both being born in ’58 and having 8 siblings, she forgot to mention their mutual love for injectables. Where’s the investigation into who is plying her with all that botox?! Who else cringed when she said “boys loved him too?” Oopsies.

Michael Jackson Tribute – Giving. Living. Serving. Werking. Prance! So which Michael Jackson are you gonna be for Halloween?

Janet Jackson – Legendary! If only her career aged as well as she does. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Damita Jo, but JJ needs a hit so bad it makes me want to Scream.

Katy Perry and Joe Perry – I thought they were gonna makeout, but then realized lesbian kisses are so VMAs 2003.

Russell Brand – Less an award show host and more like that annoying cracked out friend rambling in your ear at 3 AM.

Criss Judd – at the VMAs … working! Did J.Lo throw him a bone and get him the gig as Janet’s backup dancer? He’s come full circle.

Shakira – The only thing worse than showing up in the same dress as Pink … realizing that you are the only one wearing those awful Rubbermaid deep sea fishing stiletto boots. Ahhh ewwww!

Taylor Lautner – Is there even a question? Pedophilia be damned, Team Jacob all the way.

Taylor Swift – She has two words for Kanye: THANK YOU! Seeing her standing on stage in shock was like her very own “Carrie” prom night moment – only there was no pig’s blood, only a pig. Even Mickey Mouse couldn’t make the F-train look as much like a Disneyland ride as Taylor did. How sterilized has Manhattan become that she isn’t afraid to ride the subway?! She’ America’s golden girl … until the DUI.

Kanye West – Another male hip-hop artist beats up a female pop star! He Chris Brown’d Taylor in front of the world. He couldn’t be a bigger douche bag if he was an Ed Hardy spokesperson. Somebody gonna check him, boo!

Jack Black – Shush.

Leighton Meester – LOVE her – the dress not so much. If you’re not watching “Gossip Girl” you really don’t know what you’re missing. XOXO

Lady GaGa – Just when I was getting completely over her, the bitch out does herself with the retarded outfits, the death by menstrual blood hanging performance and thanking “the gays.” Love how any remotely poignant moment (Madonna babbling, Janet dancing, Taylor Swift turning to dust, Jay-Z’s NYC anthem) was completely ruined by a hysterical shot of Gags in one of her various ensembles (Neck braced wild west saloon waitress at an Eyes Wide Shut party, Heat Miser red burka or Abominable coconut macaroon ) in the audience. However, I could have done without re-using Madge’s 1990 VMAs Vogue set or starting the performance rolling around on the floor like a virgin.

Kristin Cavallari – Oh how I’ve missed this Laguna Bitch! LC who? Can not wait for THE HILLS!

Britney – Two years ago at the VMAs she imploded in front of our very eyes. At last year’s VMAs she was medically and parentally resurrected. Now she’s just boring … but you know she’s still completely bonkers. At least she’s consistent.

Megan Fox – or as we call her at work: 3 AM Angelina Jolie. Gorgeous, yes, but no matter how glammed up she is, you know she reeks of Raspberry Smirnoff and Newports.

Adam Brody – Memba him?

Kristen Stewart -- Doing her best Rumer Willis impersonation.

Robert Pattinson – Sorry, I just don’t get the fascination with his pasty emo ass.

Beyonce – Diva! Our Lady of the Unitard can do no wrong! She always manages to stay classy despite dancing around with her vadge in your face. You know she’s gonna have Hova “talk” to Kanye, but like Taylor, she really does owe him. I can’t wait until they are all on Oprah!

Solange Knowles – She wasn’t a guest, just a seat filler.

Jamie Lynn Sigler – Have another Vicodin, Jamie and maybe you’ll be able to maneuver the stairs in those heels.

Jennifer Lopez – Finally something more bizarre than her attraction to Speedy Gonzalez, er, I mean Marc Anthony … the David Carradine crushed velvet auto-erotic arm warmers.

Eminem – Manorexia Nervosa! When did he morph into Sinead O’Connor? I love that GaGa made him her bitch and had him hold her award during her acceptance speech. Feminem is her newest gay!

Serena Williams – or that controversial runner with “internalized testes”?

Pink – With one performance Pink just brought back “Circus of the Stars.” The likes of Traci Bingham and Danny Bonaduce better start practicing their tight rope. All that hard work and her performance was lost somewhere between Taylor Swift’s tears, Madonna’s immobile brow and GaGa’s hemorrhage. Sober, indeed.

Andy Samberg – At the Video Music Library Awards. That Dewey Decimal System is off the chain, yo!

Jay-Z – Like an Atlanta Housewife, he’s gonna have to take Kanye out for “a glass of wine” to discuss the situation. Trust.

Alicia Keys – She’s gorgeous, can sing and play the piano. About the only thing she can’t do is gracefully walk in heels.

Lil Mama – Bow Wow with a wig tried jumping on Jay and Alicia’s performance. She may have grown up on the streets of East New York (Brooklyn) but explain to me how singing about lip gloss gives you street cred?!

2009 Oscars

2009-02-23T18:05:00.001-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2009 ~~Tonys~~ Oscars:

1. Musicals are back, except on Broadway. RIP Grease, Gypsy, Hairspray, Spamalot, Spring Awakening.

2. With song & dance numbers, Jackman, Beyonce and “Milk”speeches, it was the gayest Oscars since … last year. So sick of hearing “they were so gay.” Um, it’s the Oscars not NASCAR, when were they ever not gay? Get a grip, foolios.

3. “Slumdog’s” 65 wins assure that we have officially outsourced everything to India. Press 3 and a customer service rep will transfer you to an Oscar winner.

4. Getting previous winners to introduce the acting nominees was cool, although I was afraid the losers might get zapped into the Mickey Rourke career black hole by the Board of Elders. Have mercy on us, Eva Marie Saint! Beam me up, Christopher Walken!

5. Peter Gabriel is gonna kill John Legend.

6. Other than Brangelina, Alicia Keys’ $4 Canal Street wig and the “Slumdog” kids, the red carpet was about as fun as watching “Revolutionary Road.” Let everyone do the red carpet next time!

7. Two words: Jai Ho!

8. Hugh Jackman is perfect.

9. Lisa Rinna took Joan Rivers’ red carpet job – and her face. Meow.

10. The only upset was me – because “Slumdog” won so many damn awards. If you thought Mickey was gonna beat Sean then you clearly put too much emphasis on the sham that is the Golden Globes.

For your consideration … my Oscar recap. Send me your comments, thoughts and criticisms; you know I love to hear them.

All the best!

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com
www.johnnylopez.com

Hugh Jackman – What in the world would make people suspect that a good looking man with sculpted pecs and abs, that can sing and dance well, loves musicals, has no biological children and is married to a significantly less attractive woman, could possibly be gay?! Now that’s just crazy talk.

Whoopi Goldberg – Seeing her in that leopard print dress was the only thing more ridiculous than the fact she won an Oscar for “Ghost.” She didn’t win for “Color Purple.”

Tilda Swinton – Bird face! Hair by Gordon Gecko. Top by the costume department at Bellevue. What a corporate secretary might wear at a law firm on "Gattaca."

Penelope Cruz – Screw “Slumdog,” “Vicky Christina” was my fave movie of the year. Latest member of the Hollywood pretty female Oscar winner club. Penny now proves the theory; if you get with Tom Cruise and leave before the thetans devour your soul you will get an Oscar. While it worked for Nic, Mimi Rogers is a lost cause – she’s full Scientolocrazy, but there could still be hope for Katie. Run, Suri, run!

Steve Martin & Tina Fey – They better be careful because no one can get away with mocking Scientology. Well, except for Kidman, but it did cost her two adopted children.

Jennifer Aniston – Angie may have Brad, Oscar and the kids, but what does Jen have that Angelina doesn’t? One really stupid braid across her forehead and a great year round tan.

Peter Gabriel – I don’t get him. He won’t sing an edited down version of his nominated song but has no problem going to the Oscars in that Last Samurai tux?!

Dustin Lance Black – He told the gay youth of America what so many don’t have the balls to say. Thank you. The Asian dude may have been funnier, but this was the best speech of the night.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto – And Styx suddenly jumps to #1 on iTunes, as soon as the kids Google it and find out what it is.

Sarah Jessica Parker – It’s getting severe up in here. Yikes! Between the “Square Pegs” hair and her comedy & tragedy mask bone structure, I barely noticed her tits and the city.

Natalie Portman – Flawless. “Hasidic meth lab.” Gold.

Ben Stiller – Would have been really funny had someone else not done the exact same impersonation the day before at the Independent Spirit Awards. Still funnier than anything “Focker.”

Jessica Biel – Did she lose a bet? How else to explain the “Fact of Life” Jo Polniachek hair and a gown from the slightly irregular section at Linens n Things?

“Pineapple Express” short – a Holocaust comedy? Sold!

Hugh & Beyonce number – Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare? At least it wasn’t boring, right? Beyonce needs to go away for at least a minute. No more performing at award shows, sporting events, inaugurations, Burger King etc … Go take a vacation, get pregnant, go visit Michelle Williams at the Olive Garden. Anything, but just stop. You are more overexposed than a pic of a battered Rihanna.

Zac Efron – Grease is the word.

Vanessa Hudgens – “No, I’m not the chick in ‘Slumdog.’ I swear.”

Dominic Cooper – Mamma Mia! Yum.

Cuba Gooding – The real reason they had him back to the Oscars was so they could repossess his. There is no humanly way possible to make up for “Boat Trip.”

Kevin Klein – He’s contractually bound to let Phoebe Cates out of the house every five years or so. But from the looks of her dress, he hasn’t in about 15.

Javier Bardem – Donde esta, papi?!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – Outfit by the Jay and Silent Bob Fall 1993 Ready to Wear Collection.

Robert Downey Jr – 43 going on 30. Maybe drugs really do do the body good. Playing black don’t crack.

Heath Ledger.

Will Smith – His endless presenting was almost as difficult to get through as “7 Pounds.” Here, give my eyes to Woody Harrelson!

Eddie Murphy – Jerry Lewis is introduced by Eddie. The nutty professor meets the nutty tranny chaser. ‘Memba when Eddie was hysterical ?

Jerry Lewis – Recipient of the ~~Kirk Douglas~~ humanitarian award.

Alicia Keys – Kim from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” is gonna be pissed when she sees Alicia dyed her $7 polyester wig chestnut brown.

John Legend – Peter Gabriel is about to take a sledgehammer to John’s head for agreeing to sing his song.

“Slumdog” songs – I swore that was Eva Longoria or some unaccounted for Kardashian singing. Say it with me, Jai Ho!

Frida Pinto – Gorgeous. Watch as she follows in the steps of Keisha Castle-Hughes or Catalina Sandino Moreno and exits stage left … forever.

Queen Latifah -- The one gig Beyonce turned down. Latifah has been reduced (figuratively speaking of course ) to singing for the dead. RIP.

Reese Witherspoon – Her dress may walk the line between atrocious and abominable, but she still gets to sleep with Jake Gyllenhaal. Jokes on us.

Danny Boyle – Slumdog Morrissey

Sophia Loren – Somewhere between her Italian snarl, giant breasts and arm at the hip pose is some sort of casually orchestrated diva diss aimed directly at Meryl. Arrivederci.

Halle Berry – Quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the world.

Nicole Kidman – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Angelina Jolie was mindbogglingly bizarre. Like watching mythical deities Aphrodite talk to Eve … in front of you … and on TV.

Marion Cotillard – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Kate Winslet just didn’t seem right. You know Kate was like ‘I’m about to win my Oscar from this young French chick? Oh bloody hell no!”

Melissa Leo – I swear it was my mom’s sister in Miami. Tia Hortensia, eres tu?!

Brangelina – Bow down, the King and Queen have arrived. I love how they manage to transform the red carpet into a “Mean Girls” high school cafeteria – with everyone else trying to get a morsel of the capt of the football team and head cheerleader. OMG, look over there. It’s Jen Aniston sitting with the band geeks!

Kate Winslet – The Susan Lucci streak is over. Another pretty Oscar winner and she is now the only viable heir to the Meryl Streep throne of peer praise. Still gorgeous despite exhuming Grace Kelly’s waterproof Aqua Net helmet ‘do. Love the dad whistle. She’s the king of the world!

Anthony Hopkins – Can someone please feed him some fava beans and a nice Chianti?!

Adrien Brody – Nope, he was never cute.

Mickey Rourke – He should have won an Oscar … in special effects – for his face! Now that he’s back, before you know it he will be starring in a Kate Hudson romcom … or “Mask 2: Rocky Dennis Lives.”

Robin Wright Penn – She’s got gams for days!! Now if only Sean would let her have a career. Looks like Robin and Phoebe Cates have some chatting to do.

Sean Penn – I really can’t stand that he’s BFFs with Chavez and Castro and spews all that “its not so bad over there” nonsense, but what was there not to love about his performance or speech? Sexy, super masculine, married Madonna and played Harvey Milk perfectly. A hetero male gay icon is born.

2009 Grammys

2009-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:

1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.

2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.

3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.

4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!

5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.

6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.

7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.

8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?

9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.

You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.

-Johnny Lopez

U2 – “Get On Your Boots” and stop remaking the same damn song over and over. Madonna may not be the only 50-year-old pop star jumping around the stage, but at least she doesn’t need Bono’s cataract shades.

Whitney Houston – we now have a drinking problem. The second coming of Jesus is likely to arrive sooner than Whitney’s. Just because you are alive and standing upright does not mean you deserve a standing ovation.

Jennifer Hudson – Has she not suffered enough? Why didn’t her date remove her dinner napkin from Red Lobsters before going up to the podium?!

Justin Timberlake – Kudos for filling in while Chris Brown and Rihanna figure out when to appear on “Jerry Springer.”

Chris Brown & Rihanna – Title of their new duet “No Officer, Everything Is Fine.” Turns out an umbrella really is RiRi’s biggest hit. Ouch!

Boyz II Men – Suddenly it’s 1993 all over again.

Coldplay – In their Rainbow Brite Rhythm Nation uniforms.

Carrie Underwood – With Rihanna no longer being music’s untouchable pop princess, it won’t be long now before an unwanted pregnancy, pill addiction or an allegation of kleptomania surfaces.

LeAnn Rimes – Would it kill her to wash her damaged hair?

Duffy, Adele, Estelle – Please identify yourselves to America.

Adele – Was she going to the Grammys or to a prom in 1962? It’s Betty Crocker chic. She’s going to have a huge career … like former Best New Artist winners Shelby Lynne, Evanescence and Paula Cole.

Kenny Chesney -- DELETE.

Taylor Swift & Miley Cyrus – Does Miley even remember being 15? Wasn’t that over 20 years ago?

Robert Plant – For the love of Steely Dan, WTF is a ~~homeless man~~ ~~Mickey Rourke~~ Robert Plant doing winning record and album of the year. Because when you think back to the music of 2008 the song everyone will remember is ~~Low~~ ~~Bleeding Love~~ ~~Disturbia~~ “Please Read the Letter.” Que?!

Nicole Kidman – Does she even know who Keith Urban is? I still have a hard time believing they are legit or that she even really birthed her own child. This is the same woman who was married to Tom Cruise for ten years and didn’t covert to Scientolocrazy, so you know she’s capable of anything!

Stevie Wonder – He’s lucky in so far as he will never have to see his performance with the Jonas Brothers. My eyes! My eyes! Demi Lovato, your Aretha duet awaits!

Paula Abdul & Lisa Rinna – HAIR WARS! Miss Venezuela contestants circa 1975.

Cyndi Lauper – Marie Antoinette just wants to have fun. Off with her head.

Jonas Brothers – No pomade, fitted suit or duet in the world can make these evangelical Christian dandy boy banders cool. That being said, Joe Jonas … call me!

Blink 182 – ‘Memba them?! I’ll give a dollar to anyone who actually cares that they are getting back together.

Katy Perry – I didn’t like it. It was just like Britney’s infamous VMA/Gimme More debacle but minus the Klonopin haze and rehearsed choreography. Abysmal.

Kanye West – It’s never good when you get upstaged by your Kurtis Blow mullet weave. Yes Yes y’all.

M.I.A.– Loved. Ain’t nobody got swagga like huh! She is officially cooler than everyone! The only thing that could have topped the performance with the Rap Pack was if her water broke. She needs to give birth today so she can sing her “Slumdog” song at the Oscars in 2 weeks.

Dave Grohl – As if I didn’t love him and the Foo Fighters enough, Dave wore a marriage equality white knot at arrivals. Nirvana!

John Mayer – Since he spends all his time “not dating” a plethora of actresses, I almost forgot what it is that made him famous to begin with … his gargantuan head.

The only thing more bloated than Nikki Cox’s lips – her husband Jay Mohr.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Unless she’s rehearsing the Paso Doble, she needs to return that dress thing to Carrie Ann Inaba.

Radiohead – Is it me or does Thom Yorke look like Martin Short’s albino, lazy-eyed Jackie Rogers Jr. character on SNL? Thom may be a whack job but they are genius. That’s what you’re supposed to say, right?

It’s not an award show unless Samuel L. Jackson presents. But I didn’t think he and Morgan Freeman were contractually allowed to appear at the same event.

Smokey Robinson – It’s kind of twisted that Smokey’s doctor butchered his face in such a way that he always looks happy. Oh, the irony.

NeYo – He had something completely different in mind when he was asked to perform with four tops. How you doing?!

Neil Diamond – Welcome to last call at every straight frat/college bar in North America – or as I like to call it … HELL. Bah bah bah!

In Memoriam – Considering the musical lineup, was it this year’s departed or upcoming performers?!

Lil Wayne – It’s ok. You can leave your moms, baby mamas and chillens in their seats when you accept your award. No, really, you can.

2009 Golden Globes

2009-01-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2009 Golden Globes:

1. The only thing the Globes love more than Kate Winslet is a rehabbed star’s comeback. With Mickey Rourke and Colin Farrell taking home gold, all that was missing was for Britney Spears to win an award.

2. Sting going brown is the most traumatic television hair event to happen since Felicity cut off her curly locks.

3. Renee Zellweger and Drew Barrymore must have the same dealer. How else do you explain the fact that they both thought they were going to the Oil Baron’s Ball in Dallas?

4. “Slumdog Millionaire” is this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine,” only more plausible and with less coinky dinks than “Crash.”

5. “Milk” and Sean Penn were robbed.

6. Kate Capshaw is like Katie Holmes minus all the brainswashing. Some day her husband will allow her to act in a movie again.

7. The Great Ryan Seacrest/Brangelina Chase and Snub of ’09 may be the only thing you see on TV this year funnier than “30 Rock” or “Summer Heights High.”

8. Having the Jonas Bros. present should do a bang up job of boosting the tween ticket sales of crowd-pleasing mall flicks like “The Reader” and “Frost/Nixon.”

9. J.Lo opened the show and Tom Cruise closed it, Scientology deprogramming begins now!

Send any feedback to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com or check out www.johnnylopez.com

Enjoy!

Jennifer Lopez – Somewhere near the corner of Highland and Santa Monica Blvd. there’s a former man missing one Solid Gold Vegas cocktail waitress minidress. “Hello, Mama’s talking.” She even talks like a drag queen. Marc Anthony finally looked better than she did.

Kate Winslet – How sad is it that she’s an amazing actress and will probably finally win her long overdue Oscar this year, but all anyone wants to talk about is her weight?!

Sting – The Bonofication of Gordon Sumner is complete.

Eva Longoria – Despite the fact that her show won in the ratings last night, the entire relevance of “Desperate Housewives” lies solely on her 47 lb bird shoulders. Where’s that Teri Hatcher “I used to be a has been” speech?

Rumer Willis – How do you get back at your super-gorgeous Hollywood mom for calling you out on national television and taking your spotlight away? By sleeping with her man-boy husband, silly. Hell has no fury like a celebuspawn scorned! Ding. You’re done. Can someone please take the purple dye out of her hair? It’s beginning to stain.

Laura Dern – It must suck getting offered all the roles Laura Linney passes on. On the bright side, who knew there were so many roles for pound cake-faced actresses?!

Don Cheadle – We’re all waiting for the Terrence Howard/Iron Man death match to commence.

Eva Mendes – Jade jewelry never looked so good.

Zac Efron – Hair and makeup compliments of Exxon Valdez.

Zachary Quinto – Somehow he gets hotter and hotter. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for “Heroes.”

Ricky Gervais – If we had wanted to hear a Holocaust joke we would have all gone to see “Valkyrie.”

Sally Hawkins – Her win will hopefully take her places … like to the Karen Carpenter Wing of Cedar-Sinai. Apparently she’s not so Happy Go-Lucky in her head. She had to put the award down, it weighed more than she did!

Anna Paquin – She has an Oscar and a Globe. Now all she needs is to learn how to act.

Jake Gyllenhaal – In another life I want to come back as Reese Witherspoon.

Jessica Lange -- If only she could get as much as work as her face does! Were the shades to hide the bloodshot eyes or the post-op eye tuck?

Drew Barrymore – I LOVED the whole I-took-the-morning-after-pill-and-woke-up-in-night-court hair. It’s like you could almost smell the Aqua Net, cigarettes and gin. The only thing missing was for her to do the red carpet holding her heels. But seriously, it was major!

Tom Hanks – Can’t he throw Peter Scolari and Meg Ryan a bone and get them some extra work in a good film?!

Rita Wilson – Tom’s real Bosom Buddy -- My Big Fat Greek Breasts! Yowzer!

Demi Moore – Why isn’t she sharing her fountain of youth Kabbalah water with Madge? Demi looks good and no feline features yet.

Christopher Nolan – Next to Mickey Rourke’s makeup department, accepting Heath Ledger’s award was the hardest job of the night.

Colin Farrell – ‘memba him?! It’s amazing how sleeping with half of Hollywood, rehab and starring in a string of bombs will humble a guy.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – She really does all she can with what she’s got. No offense, but it’s true.

Laura Linney – Is she contractually bound to have her hair, skin, makeup and dress all match?

Elizabeth Banks – or was it Julie Benz … or Kristin Bell or …

Seth Rogen -- #1 in his class at the Judd Apatow Beauty School for Character Actors Who Want to Be Leading Men.

Alec Baldwin – Since when does he call his “thoughtless little pig” by her birth name?

Jeremy Piven – Mercury poisoning is the new exhaustion. Leave your rickety mom at home. She’s tired!

Renee Zellweger – The lost Mandrell sister surfaces. The Sharon Stone Torch of Red Carpet Crazy has officially been passed on. From the Julia Roberts “Charlie Wilson’s War” hair, to the sheer madness of the bodice to the Morticia Addams skirt, Renee has completely lost it..

Megan Fox – If she were really a tranny she’d be dating Eddie Murphy not David Silver.

Glenn Close – The outfit was perfect -- if Bea Arthur was starring in a Bollywood musical about Liberace’s life! She better sue her stylist for punitive Damages.

David Duchovny – As far as I could tell, he did not have sex with anyone at the show, but love that he mentioned his wife so as to stifle all the breakup rumors.

Tina Fey – In the name of cleavage, Sarah Palin! She is one award show away from wearing a J.Lo dress.

Tracy Morgan – Best acceptance speech next to Sally Hawkins’ epileptic fit. Somebody tell Mariah Carey, Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods they are no longer the faces of post-racial America.

Steven Spielberg – Mysteriously missing from his GG retrospective: Hook and The Terminal. Hmmmmm.

Salma Hayek – Her gushing admiration for gal pal Penelope Cruz made me feel like I was watching an episode of The El Word.

Penelope Cruz – “Vicky Christina Barcelona” is such a good film and its Penelope’s best acting role since playing Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in real life. She was this close to being Suri’s mom. This close. How the hell did she get out of that one?!

Sacha Baron Cohen – Did a Madonna joke actually get more groans than a Holocaust one?! Really? Oy vey!

“Slumdog” actors – It’s great that we now have a couple more talented famous Indian actors in Hollywood like, er, like, um, like, er …. It’s a great movie.

Mickey Rourke – Is it me or did he look like the Cheshire Cat? Now that his career has been exhumed, it should be no time before all those disfigured mutant roles, Rocky Dennis remakes or Michael Myers mask “Halloween” pour in.

Tom Cruise – Bringing your mom to the award is so late ‘90s. I would have thought by now he’d have the fully fuctioning Katie Holmes 3000 replicant up and running to attend these things when the “real” Katie is too busy parading Suri down the streets of Midtown Manhattan.

2008 American Music Awards -- 11/24/08

2008-11-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2008 AMAs

No one actually gets an award at these things. That’s for the end credits, silly.
Like the GOP, the VMAs have a lot of strategizing to do for next year. They got served!
Pink should perform with everyone.
Peeps should be less concerned with their kids being taught about gay marriage in schools (it’s coming y’all) and more worried with the usual onslaught of pole dancing lessons from the Pussycat Dolls.
There are no commercially viable rock acts. And adult contemporary artists like Coldplay don’t count.
‘80s prom dresses have taken over the red carpet. Molly Ringwald is a genius!
The AMAs are voted on by fans, which means they are worth about as much as Lehman Bros. stock.

The AMAs had the best lineup they’ve ever had and finally realized that no one wants to see 3 Doors Down, Rascal Flats or Bebe Winans perform on primetime TV. Amen.

Feel free to send me your thoughts and critiques.

Until the Golden Globes in two months!

Xoxo

Johnny Lopez

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Christina Aguilera – Not loving the hair. It looked half-done. Almost thought it was Victoria Jackson doing an SNL sketch. Ah, the ever classic song medley but I can’t think of anything I want to buy less than a Christina Aguilera greatest hits. Does anyone really want to hear “What a Girl Wants” again? Maybe in 10 years, when Brooklyn hipsters are discovering the teen pop craze of the turn of the century.

Rihanna – Complete and total dress failure. Sweetie, it’s called a cocktail dress not a cocktail napkin. Disturbia, indeed. Trend failure alert: bedazzled eye patch. Arrggh! And why is she borrowing Prince’s Linda Dano weave?! Y’all know “Pon de Replay” was supposed to be a one-hit wonder. At least that’s what Beyonce was told.

New Kids on the Block – The only thing scarier than Donny Wahlberg in the “Saw” films is Donny Wahlberg singing and dancing on stage. Jonas Brothers got the biggest cheers from the kids, NKOTB from their moms. Backstreet Boys should try their comeback again in 10 years – see Xtina/Brooklyn hipsters.

Paris Hilton – Seeing her slinking on stage after her self-imposed prison sentence in Madden-ville with her ex-borefriend brings flashbacks to 2006 -- when Lindsay was straight, Britney was crazy and the only thing Nicole Richie could birth was a hangover.

Scott Weiland – Stoned Temple Pilot. Don’t know if he is, but his look will sober anyone up in no time.

Pink – The faux-dyke can sang! Give it! I’m glad she’s embracing her inner-Lipstick and wearing gowns and getting her hair did. Although they sounded awesome together, someone please stop her and Sarah Mclachlan before a new Lilith Fair is launched.

David Cook – Are "American Idols" allowed to wear Kathy Bates’ hairdo with guyliner.

Taylor Swift – Imagine that, Taylor Swift in a glitter gown. Who would’ve thunk it? She’s about an album away from an unwed pregnancy. Was she in “The Dark Crystal?”

Rascal Flatts – I love an all lesbian band.

Ne-Yo – If I see one more fedora on a singer, I’m a gonna kill Justin Timberlake.

Kanye West – For someone who thinks he’s so smart, he sho doesn’t get why everyone hates a pompous asshole. It’s ok to wannabe the next Elvis, you just can’t say it out loud.

Jesse McCartney – He looks like a cross between a young Leo DiCaprio and a young Rachel Maddow.

Leona Lewis – Carrie Bradshaw got spray tanned! Does the world really need a British Mariah?

Billy Ray Cyrus – Shave the goatee (and add a mustache) and you got Kelly Clarkson. The frightening thing is that Miley was just being conceived when I was tuning out “Achy Breaky Heart” in 1992!

Miley Cyrus – People keep saying, “Oh, she’s just acting her age.” And I’m thinking, since when do 43-year-olds run around a stage like that?!

David Archuleta – lawn gnome.

Kenny Chesney – The only singer with a bigger beard than ZZ Top, only his is Kimberly Williams.

Coldplay – Between the pianos, confetti and smoke, I was expecting Liberace to rise up from the grave.

Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat – or Robert Evans and Jen Aniston?

Alicia Keys – Trend failure alert #2: Indian forehead jewelry. I thought we did away with that back in ’97 with Gwen Stefani. Alicia mentioned on the red carpet she was excited to see Natalie Imbruglia perform. A.) It’s not 1998 B.) Natalie was not there or scheduled to perform. C.) She must have meant Natasha Bedinfield. All them foreign Caucasian popstars look the same, anyway.

Mariah Carey – You get some special award for being your crazy-self and having tons of hits – but they won’t let you make an acceptance speech. Sorry Kanye, looks like Mariah already is the new Elvis.

Nick Cannon – He got a job ... helping Mimi down the stairs.

Nick Lachey – Does presenting count as a job?!

Daughtry – The male Pussycat Dolls – name one member besides the singer. The one person Chris forgot to thank … his beard trimmer.

Kate Walsh – Is about as lost at this show, as “Private Practice” is in the ratings.

Jordin Sparks – Take a good look at the Nokia Theater, Jordy. You’re gonna be working here some day – at concessions.

Enrique Iglesias – Chico got a new weave! How did he get younger?

Ashley Tisdale – What a nose job couldn’t do, a bottle of hair dye can. Ashley has successfully rendered herself unrecognizable. Somewhere Jennifer Grey is smiling. Is that Robin from “General Hospital?”

The Jonas Bros – America’s favorite evangelical Christian dandy boy band may be have a scandal on their hands. One looks Jewish, one looks Latin and the third just looks confused. Mama Jonas has some explaining to do!

The Dream – Now which member of Fat Albert’s gang was he again?

Beyonce – Sasha Fierce is one mean drag queen. The real star of the performance was her ponytail! Loves it. Was that Traci Lords doing backup dancing?! Trend Failure Alert #3: Metallic finger. At least she realized the Freddy Kruger glove was going no where fast.

Pussycat Dolls – Performing immediately following the Jonas Bros. From purity rings to NuvaRing! When I Grow Up … I wanna be a $3 street whore.

St. Justin of Timberlake – How did he become the Tom Hanks of the music biz?

Annie Lennox – No one can compare to Ms. Lennox – despite looking like a de-wigged La Cage Aux Folles extra. Tell me Why.. Someone get her a hat and a pashmina stat!

Natasha Bedinfield – I feel bad for Nat. First for her ill-fitting pant suit at arrivals, but mostly because she will always be known as the chick who sang the song from “The Hills.” And that cannot be UNWRITTEN.

Motley Crue – After presenting, the band was quickly chauffeured back to their home at the LaBrea Tar Pits.

Sarah McLachlan & Pink – Divorced women never looked – and sounded -- so good. Was that song on Sarah’s first, second, third or fourth CD? Oh what the hell. Like anyone can tell a Mclachlan album apart!

Joe Perry/Steven Tyler – Co-chairs of the South Shore Long Island Linda Richman fan club. Tawks amongst yaselves.

Queen Latifah – She shares the same nearsighted hairstylist as Jar Jar Binks. Now she sang with Alicia Keys. What could those two have in common? Hmmm. I wonder… No on prop 8!

Latifah/Alicia/Opera chick – that’s all fine and good but the best finale would have been Beyonce Knowles-Carter’s performance. Pull that ponytail, beyatches!

2008 Emmys

2008-09-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Things I Learned from Watching the 2008 Emmy Awards

Only shoot Oprah from the breasts up.
Look how many reality show hosts it takes to bore me! Leave the comedy to the professionals.
With no A-list celebs (aka film stars) or musical performances of note (sorry Josh Groban), the Emmys are only slightly less thrilling than CSPAN, but still better than the new “90210.”
You know it’s a bad sign when you’re honestly looking forward to the “In Memoriam” segment. Who’d they miss?
Tina Fey is so awesome, I may have to vote for McCain just make sure she shows up on SNL for the next 4 years.
Josh Groban is to the Emmys what Rob Lowe and Snow White are to the Oscars.
With so many networks, airing so many shows that no one is watching, a lot of the TV stars are about as recognizable as going to somebody else’s high school reunion. Did you have Sister Phyllis? “Saving Grace” who? “House” what?!
I haven’t seen even a single episode, but I am already so over the “Mad Men” hype!
“The Ghost Whisperer” is still on the air.
The Emmys are 60, time for early retirement. RIP.

Okay, I know you’re supposed to bitch about awards shows and say they were so boring and lasted forever etc., but that was seriously the most uneventful and least exciting awards show since Art and I sat through the Lauren Holly-hosted L.A. Fashion Awards a few years ago. No joke. And barring the People’s Choice, I’ll watch just about any awards show – you know it was bad.

As always feel free to send me your feedback or comments.

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

johnnylopez.com

Oprah – It’s the great pumpkin, Oprah Winfrey. O may remember her spirit, but she forgot about the spanks!

Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst – A midget, a dud, a loon, a sexy cheeseball and a missing tie. There’s nothing like a dead skit and the objectification of women to start a show.

Tina Fey – All hail the Queen of Comedy. Sarah Palin has done some good – by giving Tina and “30 Rock” some amazing press.

Amy Poehler – With apologies to Jean Smart, Amy was robbed! No one deserves a comedy Emmy more.

Jeremy Piven – His hair weaver deserves an award too.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – The Seinfeld curse lives! What was worse: her Palin ‘do or the Pepto aBismol gown?

Jean Smart – Nothing against her. I actually really like her, but please return what is rightfully Amy Poehler’s. And someone get the name of her Botoxologist.

The Desperate Housewives – From Dana Delany’s disco dress, Marcia Cross’ awkward length Cinderella gown, Teri Hatcher’s yellow scare, Eva Longoria’s unflattering bowed flapper smock and Nicollette Sheridan’s purple monstrosity, the ladies of Wisteria Lane looked like they rummaged through the Project Runway reject pile. So that’s what Suede has been up to! But Felicity Huffman’s hair looked fab … for a Trans.

Ricky Gervais – I can’t believe he saw “Evan Almighty.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Is no one going to tell her there’s a dead cocker spaniel on her head?

Tommy Smothers – If I had been listening, I’d ask him to say his speech again, but this time in English.

Josh Groban – In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to the Josh Groban Career Reparations Fund, c/o Reprise Records.

Ed McMahon – The Emmys do their part to help the homeless.

Alec Baldwin – Praising Tina proves there’s only one thoughtless little pig in the Baldwin fam.

Laura Linney – She couldn’t have tried any harder to look more washed out. No lipstick, really?

The Laugh-In mess – The smartest thing Goldie Hawn has ever done is not turning up for this sad “tribute.”

David Boreanaz – One minute you’re presenting w/ LC, the next you’re part of a three-episode story arc w/Audrina and Lo.

Lauren Conrad – I had as much to do with the dress LC “designed” as she did!

Christian Slater – Please take your seat next to Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Laurence Fishburne and the rest of the former film actors resurrected as TV stars.

Laurence Fishburne – And Laurence will show you how to get there. A red tux jacket just screams: Let me show you to your seat, ma’am. I saw Laurence Fisburne at the Nokia Theater – working!

William Petersen – Tuxedo compliments of “CSI: A Night at the Roxbury”

Kathy Griffin – Don’t know who designed the dress, but her wig was by Ariel’s Little Mermaid Collection.

Don Rickles – What does it mean when the funniest man in the theater reeks of formaldehyde?

Kate Walsh – Whose idea was it to give the most nondescript actress her own show? Did we learn nothing from Ellen Pompeo??

Cynthia Nixon – She’s talented, funny and happy. So who cares if she’s dating a woman who looks like Danny Partridge?

Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, et al – As far as cable TV is concerned, The Change is good. Now if they could only do something about the hot flashes.

Vanessa Williams – Did her pen explode in the limo?

America Ferrara – In Wednesday Addams’ prom dress circa 1987. Where’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when you need them?

Brooke Shields – Stunning. Brills. Gorge.

Jimmy Kimmel – Ouch! Breaking up is hard to do. His face was an even bigger mess than the reality hosts’ monologue.

Mary Tyler Moore – Why did she feel the need to flash her Perdue chicken bone arms. Nauseous.

Betty White – Thou shalt not say anything bad about a Golden Girl. Best sitcom EVER.

Tom Selleck – 30 years later and he’s still rockin’ the Folsom Street porn stache – that’s not a trend, it’s a fetish.

30 Rock – The funniest scripted show on TV next to “The Hills.”

Mad Men – Now will you watch? Didn’t think so.

2008 VMAs

2008-09-08T13:47:00.001-07:00

Things I learned watching the 2008 MTV VMAs:

Either MTV feels really bad for allowing a bikini-clad comatose mother of two implode live on stage in front of the world last year, or Jive Records paid a shitload of cash to make sure Britney won three awards for a bad video of her dancing – aka dazedly lifting her arms and running her fingers threw her mangled mane.

You know the VMAs are lame when the most punk rock moment is having a bubble gum American Idol winner take down a surly British comedian by defending the honor of purity rings. Where’s a sexed up pop star writhing around the floor in a wedding dress mocking abstinence when you need her?!

Rock and Roll is officially dead when a spoiled brat from “My Super Sweet 16” would seem less out of place on the MTV red carpet than a band like Slipknot.

In lieu of a proper arena, venue or theater, MTV decided to hold this year’s awards in a high school gym. Total audience occupancy: 38 people!

Between Rihanna, Pink and Christina… Mad Max S+M lipstick lesbian leather chic is really big in the female vocal world.

The Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane are in fact two different ~~call girl rings~~ groups.

Condolences to Taylor Swift, Ciara, Ashley Tisdale and the like, but the sparkly dress is done. And no more teen boys in suits. DONE!

They really should rename them the YouTube Awards, because everyone knows that’s the only place you can watch music videos these days.

The last time the VMAs were even remotely fun was back in 2003 with the Britney/Madonna/Xtina kiss thing, then came the Miami and Vegas debacle years. RIP. Last year’s highlight – if you can call it that – was the world’s first live public crucifixion. So it’s only fitting that last night’s theme appeared to be redemption – at least as far as Britney and her armies of stylists and pharamacists are concerned. That being said, how can the show have any real clout when in reality, MTV’s best new artist is not a musical act – it’s Heidi and Spencer?

Time to take off your purity rings and enjoy the recap!

Britney Spears – Don’t call it a comeback. Yes, I know, we’re all rooting for her and she did look good – minus that ropey, spaghetti weave, but can people just chill? Being semi-lucid and medicated enough to sit through hair and makeup and accept some non-significant award is not curing cancer! It’s amazing what you can do when you stop traipsing around Malibu gas stations barefoot and hand your life over to your father. And the VMA goes to… 5150 holds!

Rihanna – Right now she can do no wrong, except for ripping off everything from Thriller, Marilyn Manson and Madge’s iconic 1984 VMA “Like a Virgin” number during her performance of “Disturbia.” Is she really dating Chris Brown or is her Brigitte Nielsen butch ‘do and newly acquired “L Word” tough girl persona more indicative of who she really is?! Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum!

Russell Brand – Props for bringing back Joan Cusack’s “Working Girl” ‘do. My outta borough brethren thank you. But if we’ve learned anything from Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, it’s that you NEVER apologize – especially not to an 18-year-old “American Idol” winner. Piss on that.

Jamie Foxx – Actor or singer? Pick a side and stay there.

Demi Moore – Does she have an album coming out? Then why is she there? The 45-year-old does not age, but that’s still no reason to come out wearing Suri Cruise’s dress.

Taylor Swift – Ol’ girl has gotta stop getting her hair, makeup and outfits from the Piggly Wiggly!

Jonas Brothers – Between the purity rings, the “There Will Be Blood” performance outfits and the Sesame Street number, can someone please explain to me their allure? They are so becoming The Coreys – 2018 edition.

Katy Perry – You’re not Dita Von Teese -- leave the ‘40s bloomers at home – along with your irritating faux-lesbian anthem.

Michael Phelps – We’ve found our new Lurch for “The Addams Family” reboot! Doesn’t he look like that giant from “Big Fish?”

Leona Lewis – Pairing her with Lil’ Wayne makes as much sense as giving Britney three awards for “Piece of Me.”

Lil’ Wayne – What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing singing topless at the VMAs? Or was it Jungle Book’s Mowgli? I know I sound like a parent, but seriously, in the name of Marky Mark… pull up those pants!

T-Pain – Because one Lil’ John in this world just isn’t enough.

Lindsay Lohan – Where is the love, MTV? Where’s her VMA? She got rehabbed too!

Ciara – Someone might want to put her wig on frontward for her.

Pussycat Dolls – It’s BOOBIES, not groupies. I don’t care what they say or how radio edits that song! Quick, name one of them other than Nicole Sherzinger. I dare you!

Paramore – Cyndi Lauper meets Tiffany with a Scientology-free dash of Juliette Lewis.

Shia LaBeouf – I flipped my truck drunk, broke my hand, held up production of my new film and stole Adrian Grenier’s chick – but I over-moussed my hair and put on a suit for you. So can I get a VMA too?

Miley Cyrus – Strangely likeable.

Pink – Her performance ensemble was the best she’s ever looked. So what if she resembles the chick from Bravo’s “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” What was with her and Rihanna trying to one-up each other – hair, cleavage, outfit? Just makeout and get it over with already, ladies.

Ashlee Simpson – Pregnant and looking like a skinny Wynonna Judd.

Pete Wentz – The cutest midget I’ve ever seen. Adorable.

Slipknot – Almost as scary as Danity Kane. Almost.

Jordin Sparks – Maybe if she were a little sluttier she wouldn’t need Chris Brown singing on her records to give her a hit.

Lauren Conrad – How sad is it that she’s the face of MTV these days?

Christina Aguilera – The bastard love child of Lady GaGa, Samantha Fox, Kylie and Linda Hogan. Guess that whole ‘40s big band thing didn’t work out so well. She’s always getting the short end of the Britney stick. ‘Memba she kissed Madonna too, and didn’t go crazy or lose her children, but it was still the Britney show last night. What’s a former Mousketeer gotta lip synch to get noticed around here?

Tokio Hotel – What if Pete Burns from “Dead or Alive” circa 1985 and Bjork had a hermaphrodite baby? … And no one cared.

Paris Hilton – I don’t understand why MTV isn’t publicizing her reality show more! Another rehabilitated famous person. Damn, 2006 really was one fucked up year in Hollywood!

Drake Bell – Zac Efron, is that you?

Kid Rock – Rodent.

Kanye West – Um, that’s how you close the show?! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Flatline. Which I guess is only fitting.

Until next year’s show, when Britney will either attempt a choreographed number, tragically host, or spontaneously combust on the VMA stage.

2008 Oscars

2008-02-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

Things learned watching the 80^th Academy Awards:

With attendees like Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl and the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” (thanks ABC) the Oscars have officially become the new Emmys.

If you are an attending A-lister and are not nominated don’t dare do the red carpet. Nicole, Hanks and Denzel won’t be mingling next to the likes of The Rock, Gary Busey and Miley Cyrus!

It’s harder for a woman to become president than get a directing nomination.

Just because you win an Oscar for Best Makeup – doesn’t mean you can do your own. Someone get that poor lady some new lashes – or an unlazy eye!

Red is officially over. How pissed would you be had you showed up in a red gown?!

Tilda Swinton is simultaneously insane, scary and weird – but still secretly fabulous.

If you want to make the Oscars seem even more superficial and frivolous – have U.S. soldiers fighting in Iraq present an award via satellite to a room full of people in Harry Winston jewels and couture gowns.

Regis Philbin is the male Joan Rivers. For comedic effect, every red carpet should have a resident geriatric chatting up teen stars, foreigners and the elderly.

Cancel the Vanity Fair party and the A-listers stay home.

Where are the movie stars??! The red carpet was seriously lacking the usual cluster-fuck of high wattage A-listers that the Oscars are known for. With no Julia, Brad, Angelina, J.Lo, Uma, Drew, Kate, Matthew, Jake, CZJ, Will, Reese, Ryan, Keanu, Sandra, Hugh, Halle, Charlize, Gwyneth, Salma etc… we were left to yawn over Felicity and the guys in “Knocked Up.” For the love of Xenu, I would have even settled for a Katie Holmes sighting.

This year’s nominees had the excitement level of a dentist’s appointment and the outfits were no exception. Where’s Cher, Bjork and Sally Kirkland when you need them. All I can say is thank God for Tilda Swinton!

For your consideration … my Oscar recap.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Garner – After surviving the Gary ‘alcohol’ aBusey incident, she looked nothing like she usually does – she looked amazing -- dare I say hot. Has she hired J.Lo’s hair and makeup peeps?

Ben Affleck – Your wife almost gets raped on the red carpet and your brother is nominated but you chose to spend it on Jimmy Kimmel pimping out your not-as-funny rebuttal to “I’m Fucking Matt Damon.” I hate to admit it, but “Gone Baby Gone” makes me think he may have actually written “Good Will Hunting” after all. There is life after “Gigli”!

Jon Stewart – Letting the Irish singer from “Once” come back out to speak was just about the coolest thing anyone has ever done at the Oscars.

George Clooney – There are no words. Perfection. Better than Cary Grant, even. I wasn’t aware that he was “dating” Nikki Cox! Next to Maddox, Zahara and Pax Jolie-Pitt, Sarah Larson is the luckiest person in the world. Now she just needs to stop wearing bathroom wallpaper.

Anne Hathaway – The first red dress to hit the Kodak stage. Can she be any whiter?

Katherine Heigl – Red dress part deux. A winner for getting to go to the Oscars, but a loser for having to follow Anne’s red dress. I know she’s like the new heir to the Meg Ryan/Sandra Bullock romantic comedy throne but to me she’s more like Sarah Michelle Gellar – a television actress.

Amy Adams – How did the star of a movie with three Best Song noms get to perform the number with absolutely no production values and a bad Talbots dress?! Kristin Chenoweth better watch her back!

Kimora Lee Simmons – When did she become Imelda Marcos?

Heidi Klum – Disney Princess chic.

The Rock – Wrestlers at the Oscars? I can’t wait until next year when Joanie Chyna Doll Laurer presents Best Picture! Yeah, I know he’s been in films, but it’s the Oscars. You should have to be in at least one good one.

Cate Blanchett – I’m gonna be nice to the pregnant lady – but her stylist wasn’t.

Johnny Depp – The most normal tux he’s ever worn. What gives?

Vanessa Paradis – I thought Marion Cotillard played Edith Piaf? Don’t let her fool you, underneath those blood red lips are black gums!

Jennifer Hudson – Not as bad as last year’s NASA bolero jacket, but can someone please remove the infant in swaddling clothes from the top of her dress. You know how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, Jen should listen to that rule – always!

Javier Bardem – Can someone please tell Javi that, yes, I will accept his marriage proposal? His speech to his mom sealed it! No straight man brings his mom to the Oscars and dates Penelope Cruz. It’s not humanly possible.

Keri Russell – Dear Sally, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m at the Oscars! Gonna look for Ben and Noel. Talk soon, Felicity!

Owen Wilson – Admit it, you were trying to catch a glimpse of his wrists.

Tilda Swinton – Eric Stoltz looks so different. By fall everyone will be wearing one-arm goth muumuus. Seriously, I don’t think ABS is rushing to knock-off her Lanvin shift. She’s such a strange bird, but I love it. Only she can pull off a “Wall St.” Charlie Sheen hairdo. Sorry Renee!

Ruby Dee – She is gonna cut the other sleeve of Tilda’s gown for stealing her Oscar!

Saoirse Ronan (annoying girl from “Atonement”) – This year’s recipient of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Memorial Award for Tween Nominees Who Will Fade Away into Obscurity

Jessica Alba – “Fantastic Four,” “Honey,” “Into the Blue,” “Good Luck Chuck,” “The Eye,” “Awake.” Yeah, it makes total sense that she should present at the Academy Awards.

Miley Cyrus – In yet another little red mess. She should have gone as Hannah Montana -- at least then she would have looked more like a teenager. Like Lindsay and Hillary Duff before her, how does Disney turn all these middle-aged teenagers into stars?!

The Uma/Oprah Memorial Joke Failure Award goes to the guys from “Knocked Up” for that endless Halle Berry/ Judi Dench tirade.

Wesley Snipes – That purple suit is perfect, if your job is holding Diddy’s umbrella.

Ellen Page – What was with the Kathy Bates dress? Doesn’t American Apparel sell hipster dresses for slightly butchy gals? Even Jodie Foster knows how to rock a gown and heels. Juno should have aborted this look.

Marion Cotillard – Gorgeous. Yet another pretty Oscar winner. Her Oscar win assures her at least one Matthew McConaughey romantic “comedy.” Somewhere in a Paris café, Audrey Tatou is drunk and digging pins into a doll in her likeness.

Colin Farrell – A tan – and rehab – does a body good. Lawd have mercy. He looks great. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night!

Jack Nicholson – He’s 70 years-old, so unless he has cataracts, please take the shades off. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night.

Renee Zellweger – She and Philip Seymour Hoffman have the same hairstylist.

Nicole Kidman – Is she no longer pregnant?!Say what you will about the Porcelain Queen but everyone copies Nic’s style. She was the only one in red last year. And after she wore chandelier earrings a few years back, everyone started to. Next year, everyone will be sporting blinged out barbed wired around their necks. Trust.

The old guy who got the honorary Oscar that Nicole helped onto the stage – the lone person older than Harrison Ford – I think. I swear he just thanked Adam & Eve!

Penelope Cruz – following Nicole Kidman on the stage – nice touch. How the hell did Penny escape from Tom? She’s no Scientoloca. The woman may just be the Messiah!

Patrick Dempsey – There’s good hair and then there’s …

John Travolta – He gets what’s left of his hair styled by Krylon. Only your hair auditor will know the difference.

Kelly Preston – Despite zero roles, being married to John makes her the hardest working actress in Hollywood. Have they let son Jett out of the attic yet?

Faye Dunaway – The crazy ol’ bat is gonna pimp out her hot son until somebody puts him in a movie.

Jane Russell – Gentlemen Prefer Grays. Older actresses should not be forced to emulate Dorothy Zbornak.

Cameron Diaz – The highest paid actress in Hollywood – but you wouldn’t know it from her fresh from hiking in Runyon Canyon hair.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she gets to intro the death reel? Lady Seabiscuit just can’t get no love.

Tom Hanks – Two Oscars and he gets to intro the awkward soldiers in Iraq segment? His Royal Hankness can’t get no love.

Soldiers in Iraq – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell but you just awarded an Oscar to a documentary about gay marriage.

Harrison Ford – If the 65-year-old is still allowed to play Indiana Jones, then Diane Keaton should play Wonder Woman.

Calista Flockhart – She was at the Oscars, but her hair was at UCLA studying for finals. She is slowly botoxing herself into Mary Tyler Moore.

Diablo Cody – The whole stripper turned blogger turner screenwriter PR spin is getting on my last indie nerve. Honest to blog! The patron saint of every American Apparel emo girl from Williamsburg to Echo Park.

Helen Mirren – The only thing more impressive than her body of work – her body! She’s SIXTY TWO and looks amazing. Don’t be fooled America. If you use Botox, Restylane or Silicone, the only person you are kidding is yourself! Just look at Joan Van Ark, Jackie Stallone, Carrot Top, Wayne Newton …

Daniel Day Lewis – Nothing says amazing actor – like a pair of hoop earrings! Looks like he’s been drinking RuPaul’s milkshake.

Rebecca Miller (Daniel’s wife) – There will be blood –for dressing like a 19^th century saloon waitress.

The Coen Brothers – it’s the guys from “Knocked Up” in 30 years – and 30 less pounds.

Denzel Washington – I love that he showed up to the Kodak, presented Best Picture and was home in probably 30 minutes -- which is about the most anyone should have to endure of the Oscars.

Scott Rudin –Thanking his partner in his speech for winning Best Picture – No country for homophobic men – unless you’re closeted client is an A-list actor.

2008 SAGs

2008-01-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

by Johnny Lopez

TMZ has me beaucoup busy these days so I haven't done a recap in a while. In case the Oscars don't happen I figured I'd rattle off one before the season is over.

I hope everyone is doing well and gets a kick out of my latest diatribe. For those who may not be familiar with my rants, these are meant to be fun, sarcastic, and bitchy – like when you watch an award show with your friends. (Or at least that's how it is when my friends & I watch them). So don't take 'em too seriously – they're just words!

As always, positive feedback is appreciated. If you want to be added to the list, just drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

You know you love me.
xoxo
Johnny

Brad & Angelina – Please don't stare at the only A-listers in the house! Where have all the movie stars gone?? Angie in one of J.Lo's maternity-denial caftans and Brad with his Jolie-brown locks. The King and Queen of the prom have arrived.

Doug Savant – the real desperate housewife isn't on his show, but was sitting next to him -- Laura Leighton aka "Sydney" from Melrose Place. Give the gal a walk-on role!

Ellen Burstyn – Nominated for her work in "Muumuus, Caftans and Dusters: The Helen Roper Story."

Sandra Oh – The perfect prom dress for the illegitimate love child of Molly Ringwald and Marilyn Manson. She should have been more specific when telling her stylist she wanted a dress that would have people talking for days.

Rebecca Romijn – She plays the hottest tranny on TV -- next to Glenn Close!

Jane Krakowski – It's hard to look good in a puke green dress and candy corn necklace. I expect more from a woman who lives in NYC!

Kyle MacLachlan – Tell me again, who thinks he's hot?

Nikki Blonsky – The breakout "Hairspray" star can't wait to find out what her next roll will be.

John Travolta – I see he's still sporting his "Hairspray" weaves. Where was his bearded lady, Kelly Preston? Perhaps, at home in the Scientoloattic with their non-autistic son Jett?! Save Jett!

Debra Messing presenting w/ Zac Efron: Gorgeous. Loved the hair, makeup and getup. And Debra looked good too! Sadly, Zac has a bigger rack.

Holly Hunter – Her boyfriend/baby-daddy is H-O-T!

Laura San Giacomo – She was in the "Saving Grace" clip – the real UGLY BETTY! Yikes! Just shoot her!

Edie Falco – Looking like she just landed from JFK. Would it kill her to put on a little lipstick?

Lorraine Bracco – Wearing Grimace's dead carcass.

America Ferrara – Looks amazing, but she can stop losing weight now. We get it—you are pretty in real life.

Vanessa Williams – Love her! The coolest bitch in town. Britney, Paris and Lindsay should take lessons from Miss America 1984 on how to properly flash your ugly betty.

Hal Holbrook – A great actor. That being said, he looks like a cross between a "South Park" character and Bea Arthur.

Marion Cotillard – Gorge! The French Angelina. I just hope she doesn't get suckered into a doing a romantic "comedy" with McConaughey next.

Javier Bardem – He's definitely winning the Oscar. The Academy loves it when gorgeous peeps go ugly. Just look at Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Charlize, ~~Hilary Swank~~.

Jeremy Piven – Love his new weave. How much it cost?!

Ellen Page – She's Jodie Foster 2.0 and rockin' a kosher Posh bob – honest to blog. L'chaim!

Chandra Wilson – Somebody please tell Ms. Wilson that "Dreamgirls" has already been cast, filmed, released and was awarded last year. Please return the outfit and hair to wardrobe ASAP!

Rebecca Gayheart – Maybe you shouldn't be boasting about all your "car issues" on the red carpet. I'm just sayin'…

Ellen Pompeo – It must suck to have your show stolen by Katherine Heigl ... and Kate Walsh!

Katrina Bowden – (Teri Hatcher's daughter on "Housewives") – When did she turn 37?

Lisa Rinna – Someone put this cougar down. She looks like the patron saint of middle-aged divorced Long Island housewives. Mary Jo Buttafuoco on line 2!

James Mardsen – For the love of Dylan McKay! Now that he's finally broken out into leading man territory – he decides to rock some 1991 "90210" sideburns?!

Ruby Dee – Looking fab in her Frogger shades and pink champagne wig.

Michael C. Hall – The gayest (and best) he's looked since he stopped playing a gay on "Six Feet Under."

The cast of "The Office" – And I thought they only dressed badly for the TV show.

Alan Rosenberg – SAG Pres. and Marg Helgenberger's husband – Was he supposed to be added to the In Memoriam segment? Someone check his pulse! Does he get a wrinkle for everyone that Marg gets zapped?!

Charles Durning – The writer's strike really needs to end, as it seems Durning's wheelchair bound wife has already lost her dental benefits.

Burt Reynolds – He was once a sex symbol. There before the grace of God goes Brad Pitt!

Kevin Kline – He couldn't come to pick up his award, because he was too busy making sure Phoebe Cates was still locked up in their Upper Westchester basement.

Mickey Rooney – There was panic backstage when production staffers realized Mickey got loose. Who is in charge of Mickey??

Queen Latifah – She couldn't make it to the ceremony. She's still mortified about hosting that People's Choice debacle – which btw was probably 100 times funnier than "Mad Money"!

Josh Brolin – Hot in a quasi-Simian sorta way.

Diane Lane – The box office returns for her latest film are "Untraceable."

Viggo Mortensen – In his three-piece suit by Jiminy Cricket.

Tommy Lee Jones – Nominated for a SAG for playing a police officer in ~~The Fugitive, Natural Born Killers, Men in Black, US Marshalls, Double Jeopardy, The Hunted, In the Valley of Elah~~, No Country for Old Men.

Tilda Swinton – She was never a looker – but it takes a lot of work to look this freakish. Who would have thunk that she looked the most normal in "Narnia."

Matthew McConaughey & Kate Hudson – If you are even considering seeing "Fools Good"—just re-rent "How to Lose a Guy" and save yourselves the two hours, $12 and brain cells. At least he shaved off some of his cotton-candy locks.

Julie Christie – A real actress. The bitch only makes a few movies here and there and usually gives amazing performances. Makes you wonder how many mortgages her peers like Dustin Hoffman and Diane Keaton have that forces them to continually make craptacular studio pics like "Mr. Magorium" & "Because I Said So." Just stop.

The homosapien formerly known as Tom Cruise – He skipped the red carpet and teleported right into the Shrine. I was waiting for him to put on his medal of valor, dementedly laugh, and salute "LRH." Just how crazy is he? OT Level VII crazy! Save Suri!

Daniel Day Lewis – Please stop talking about Heath. It is a tragedy, but you didn't even know him.

I'm finished!

2007 Emmys

2007-09-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

The recap is back. Work was too nuts last week, so there was no VMA wrap-up. But were words even necessary? God rest her soul.

The Emmy peeps tried to liven up this usually stillborn show by adding musical numbers and setting it in the round. While the cast of “Ugly Betty” might’ve hated seeing everyone’s backs, I actually kind of liked seeing Vanessa Williams (but not her dress) behind every presenter and winner. In the end, no matter how many bells and whistles, comedians and pregnant singers on pianos you add, there’s no way to get around the fact that TV stars ain’t movie stars. Ultimately, no one cares! Plus, with more networks, cable channels and TV shows than ever, all it takes to have a program considered a hit is about 17 viewers. “Cold Case” or “According to Jim,” anyone?

Let me know what you think, betches.

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Ryan Seacrest – So reading a total of seven lines counts as hosting. Um… okay. I did love how he managed to insult Sally Field by reciting her TV credits of Gidget, Flying Nun and Brothers and Sisters, thereby reminding her that she’s yet another film actress forced into television to retain SAG benefits! (Please see Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary Louise Parker). How weird will it be in 15 years, when Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz both have ABC sitcoms!

Ray Romano – I thought Ryan Seacrest was hosting the show?! His routine should have come with a two drink minimum. Please tip your waitress!

Jeremy Piven – He was the only person wearing more ~~spackle~~ makeup than Lisa Rinna. Hair compliments of Tyra Banks’ new men’s wig line. Unbeweaveable!

Vanessa Williams – Ugly Yeti! – She is one crazy bird. Vanessa hasn’t needed a plucking this bad since her nude pics surfaced in 1984!

America Ferrara – Insert non-Ugly reference here. Further proof that in order to win an award for playing an unattractive, plus-sized girl, you better work your ass off to not be one in real life. I love that she is the poster girl for REAL women -- just because the only ribs she’s showing are on her plate -- not protruding through her gown.

Terry O’Quinn – (won something for LOST) While the pink shirt and sparkly tie were curious, he does have a wife, but she is much heavier than he -- like in a Hugh Jackman and his maid/wife sort of way. Jury is still out on this one.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – You forget she was an SNL cast member – just like Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey, Jr. and Janeane Garofalo. STRANGE.

Tina Fey – Emmys got at least one thing right by voting 30 Rock the Best Comedy. Now, bring back “The Comeback” and we’ll forget “Two and a Half Men,” “Yes, Dear” and “King of Queens” ever existed.

Jaime Pressly – The Academy just told you what a great job they think you do of playing white trash. I wouldn’t be so happy if I were you! And calm down girl, it’s just an Emmy!

Katherine Heigl – May I have the envelope please – sewn onto the shoulders of my dress?!

Thomas Haden Church – He won an Emmy? For “Sideways?” “Spider-Man 3?” Is “Ned and Stacey” still on the air? Oh, for a mini-series. They still make those?? His face has more lines than Dina Lohan’s coffee table!

Ellen DeGeneres – The gold necklace/graduation tassel made her look like a lady – a little old lady! Nana, what are you doing with that pretty lady on your arm?

One-liner montage – In lieu of any funny new jokes, they decide to pull together clips of old ones. I’m on to you, ATAS!

Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon et al – Believe what you want, fellas, but the only entourage you are a part of is Piven’s! And I don’t care how many times you tell yourselves “Entourage” is the male “Sex and the City” – it ain’t! That would actually require the show to be funny! Hug that out, bitches!

Eva Longoria – She was bedazzling!

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Just saying her name takes me back to the ‘90s. Exit stage left, please Ms. Hewitt.

Jon Cryer – Remember when you thought Cryer was cool in “Pretty in Pink” – yeah that’s long over.

Christina Aguilera – Compare her performance to Britney’s debacle of a week ago. How did she pull off morphing into the classy one – before our very eyes?! She’s stepping out with her yet-be-publicly-confirmed baby!

Tony Bennett – While he probably can’t see two feet in front of himself, can somebody please get his wife some rouge and concealer?

Ali Larter – Gorgeous!

Kiefer Sutherland – Needs to stop spending 24 hours in the tanning bed. Cheez Doodle orange is not his best color.

Robert Duvall – What was with that weird “five Chinese girls” comment during his acceptance speech?! Nurse!

Queen Latifah – She should have won an Emmy – for Best Actress in a Musical, Comedy, Variety show, Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie Trying to Look Natural While Wearing a Dress.

Roots Anniversary – The saddest fact of the 30^th anniversary salute was realizing that if Roots were made today, it would require giving Kunta Kinte 50 extra pounds, an exponentially more gorgeous wife, supernatural powers and a Manhattan loft. Oh, and it would have to air on the UPN – which no longer exists!

How in the hell did “The Starter Wife” get nominated for anything?! Debra Messing should have to give her “Will & Grace” Emmy back for making that piece of basura!

Hayden Panettiere – Nothing says cute, young and fresh – like a peach, plus-sized bridesmaid potato sack. She actually wanted to wear something from NY fashion week – not an actual tent from it. Was someone hiding in there? The cast of “Lost”? Baby Maddy?Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career? For once, heterosexuals weren’t the only men who wanted to get Hayden out of her dress.

Neil Patrick Harris – If he came out of the closet last year, why is he still pretending to hit on Hayden? Is he doing research to play a Republican Congressman?

Mark Harmon – If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Navy NCIS” please identify yourself!

Marcia Cross – or Jigsaw from Saw? – Just try and find a line on that face. Marble Housewife!

Judy Davis – She didn’t show up, either because she either didn’t think “Starter Wife” would win… or she was too embarrassed.

Glenn Close – Now starting at middle linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, # 60, Glenn Close! Or did they turn “TransAmerica” into a TV show? Such a handsome woman!

Mary Louise Parker – The coolest chick in the room, bar none – next to Elaine Stritch!

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee – ‘Cause I know you wanted to hear that name one more fuckin’ time!

Jersey Boys salute – And I thought Journey ended the Sopranos on a gay note!

Sopranos cast minus one Drea de Matteo – Not even her old cast can forgive her for working on “Joey”!

Sally Field – Drink yer juice Shelby! You are an actress, not Cindy Sheehan.

Helen Mirren – For once, she looked like a hot boiled mess. And leave the pocketbook at your seat. Nobody wants to steal your Kleenex, and hard candy!

Lewis Black – In the name of John Candy, Chris Farley and Sam Kinison: Amen!

Kathryn Morris – Where does CBS find these people? You know it’s bad when you’re on a network primetime show -- and Flavor of Love contestants are more recognizable!

Masi Oka/Apple computer – Not so subtle product placement. And the Tom from MySpace cameo was a nice Fox/News Corp. synergistic touch, Rupert Murdoch!

Al Gore – What was Patricia Heaton doing during Gore’s standing ovation? Burning fossil fuels? Lecturing Ellen and Portia? Making Tony Shaloub and Paula Abdul go through security again? Just curious.

Stanley Tucci – The Bald and the Beautiful

Elaine Stritch – The Not-so Young and the Restless. The yawn seen round the globe Even she yawned from the show– but then again she’s not used to staying up past 7pm.

Debra Messing – Is it me, or has she worn this dress before? God knows it must be hard to find a good dress when you have negative cleavage. Just ask Felicity Huffman!

Kate Walsh – Her dress was going to the Emmys, her hair – to a roller skating party in the ‘70s.

Lisa Rinna – TV Guide fired Joan Rivers -- but kept her cheekbones! Now she’s Dancing with the SCARS.

Joan & Melissa -- RIP

2007 Oscars

2007-02-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

Things I learned from watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

1. The 2007 Academy Awards shall go down as the Lesbian Oscars. From Ellen & Melissa to Jodie & Latifah, the ladies who love ladies were out, well sorta, in full force. Let the red carpet munching begin!

2. The Academy thinks the home audience loves vignettes and montages. There were so many dreadfully long ones last night, that I dozed off and saw my life flash ever-so edited before my eyes, and set to a Ennio Morricone soundtrack.

3. Because of that amazing dance troop, somewhere Debbie Allen is slicing her wrists and paying for all her previous Oscar telecast interpretive dances… in sweat.

4. My heart goes out to my East Coast brethren, because staying up until 1 AM to watch the show's bitter end is a feat in itself. But to everyone who complains that the Oscars are long and boring, I ask: It's the SEVENTY-NINTH annual edition, have you ever watched them before? Because I can't remember the last time they were under three hours or edited a la Michael Bay.

5. Academy voters listened to my SAG recap plea and didn't bestow anymore undue praise on 'the little movie that blew,' "Little Miss Sunshine." Hallelujah! I'm so SuperFreakin' happy!

Like a good editor, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Here is my recap of the 2007 Academy Awards. Please forward any comments or complaints to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. You can also check out the recap on my blog at www.johnnylopez.com.

Check out all the Oscar pics at www.wireimage.com/Oscars.

As always, email me if you want to be added to the distribution list.

Anyways, I'm out.

Ciao!

Johnny

Ellen DeGeneres – Brava! See, lesbians can be funny! And I can't believe she uttered the word "gay!" If only she would dare say it on her talk show every now and then.

Portia di Rossi – The hottest lesbian in Hollywood since, um, since, er, um, er… Ladies and gentleman, the hottest lesbian in Hollywood.

Nicole Kidman – She was there to present, so she came dressed as a present! Ho!Ho!Ho! Did she learn nothing from Charlize's bowrrific ensemble last year? Actually, her red pipe cleaner dress grew on me as the night went on. It looked much better on stage than against the red carpet. And isn't this what we want at the Oscars? Kudos to Kidman for adding a little drama to an otherwise tepid red carpet.

Daniel Craig – You can have your Oscar. I want a DANIEL! Sumptuous!

Maggie Gyllenhaal – What is it about Mags, that everything she wears, no matter how glamorous, comes off looking like a second hand flea market find. I know she embodies that whole Lower East Side emo-hipster-I-wear-granny-dresses look, but c'mon it's the Oscars! What the hell was in her hair? If only she had a gay brother to give her styling tips! At least Peter Sarsgaard cleaned up well.

Will Ferrell & Jack Black – In "We want to host the Oscars next year." Write this down: For once I actually thought Jack Black was funny. Could these two finally be winning over the gay audience? If so, please destroy any remnants of Tenacious D. Following the Grammy trend, I see Will is also getting his hairstyling advice from Rhea Pearlman.

Abigail Breslin & Jaden Smith – Hyde Class of 2017. Will & Jada should spend less time putting Jaden in films and more time teaching him to read! Now that Abigail didn't win her Oscar, how long before she's in the maternity ward next to Keisha Castle-Hughes?

James McAvoy – It's not hard to look cute when your most famous role is playing a man-goat in "Narnia."

Jessica Biel – She really needs to stop with the lat pulldowns. She's surpassing Madonna-arms and heading into Carrot Top-sized muscle proportions. That being said, her crossover from TV land to the film world has been "7 th Heaven." (Sorry Sarah Michelle and Jennifer Love.) Was not a fan of the Barney-dress or the frizzy schoolteacher do either. To say nothing of the matchy-matchy magenta lipstick!

Rachel Weisz – Good but not very memorable. Like her career.

Alan Arkin – The tranny that Eddie Murphy picked up on Santa Monica Blvd. in '97 wound up dead a few months later. That's all I'm saying.

Eddie Murphy – Honey, his best acting role was getting the world to forget he loves trannies! At least he can take comfort in knowing he'll be able to hit the sale rack at Chicos for "Norbit 2." Tracey Edmunds is the biggest beard since ZZ Top.

Mark Wahlberg – Let me tell ya, when I think about Marky Mark, I get such a 'good vibration!' Ewww Weeee! That boy is fine.

Jackie Earle Haley – He'll now have a very long career in loads of films… about Nosferatu!

Randy Newman/James Taylor performance – America sets the Guinness Book World Record for synchronized bathroom-going.

Melissa Etheridge – Drag King. Who woulda thunk you'd ever see Tammy Lynn Michaels at the Oscars?? Actually, after "Popular" was cancelled, who ever thought you'd hear from her, period? There's hope for all of us. And that's right peeps, Tammy is Melissa's WIFE. Not girlfriend. Not lover. Not partner. WIFE! Get used to it, haters!

Leonardo DiCaprio – Like a fine George Clooney, he gets better with age.

Al Gore – Who cares about the White House when you get to go to the Vanity Fair party?! Poor Tipper, she still thinks she's going to a political fundraiser. All that money and the best she can do is a Bill Blass gown. Bill Blass??? Is it 1981?? Now that's an inconvenient truth!

Cameron Diaz – Loved the tan and brown hair. The dress came compliments of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

Ben Affleck – The Academy was like, "You can come, but Garner can't. Tell her the Emmys are in Sept." Oscar winner for ALLEGEDLY writing a screenplay.

Emily Blunt – Fabulous! And you know I'm not a fan of the glitterati dress trend!

Anne Hathaway – The Devil Wears Prada, not Rorschach inkblots! She is in need of some serious retail therapy. Poor thing couldn't get it right, if her life depended on it. And it does.

Meryl Streep – Look what Mama Meryl dusted off from the back of her closet! Styling by Mrs. Roper. I hear she was outsourced to read palms and tarot cards at the Vanity Fair party. Was she not allowed to keep her "Prada" outfits?? Note to Meryl: Next time, leave the St. Maarten beachside jewels on the cruise ship. Still, no one gives FACE like Meryl. Hysterical.

Milena Canonero – Winner of Best Costume Design for Marie Antoinette – Or was it Frau Farbissina from "Austin Powers?"

Tom Cruise – You know your career is in trubs when, despite reaching Operating Thetan Level 7, the Oscar audience welcomes your entrance as if Isaiah Washington were entering the GLAAD Awards. Time to re-up that Dianetics subscription, Tommy boy.

Sherry Lansing – Ladies and Gentlemen, the lost Gilmore Girl. The best she's ever looked.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair! Her next role: "Splash 2: Mermaids on the Red Carpet." And then there's mauve. MAUVE!

Naomi Watts – She was so close. Old Hollywood glamour meets… Charlie Brown! Wah wah wahhhhhh!

Catherine Denueve and Ken Watanabe – in "Babel." Whose bright idea was it to put these two together? Last time I checked, Brits and Aussies were foreigners too. Translator, please! Can someone explain her gown to me? Was she preparing to compete in a bullfight? And was that Ken Watanabe's wife or the Kodak Theater's resident nail technician? How about we compromise and get her a Vera Wang gown?

Cate Blanchett – Stunning. An ugly-pretty girl never looked so good. Sorry Sarah Jessica.

Clive Owen – It's a steadfast Oscar rule that the only people allowed to wear tuxedos without ties are lesbians and Diane Keaton. Wait, that's redundant.

George Clooney – I feel so bad for the consummate bachelor, because if George were handsome, talented and rich, he'd have no trouble finding a girlfriend. Someday he'll meet the ideal partner.

Jennifer Hudson – Jennifer Hudson has landed… from the moon. Andre Leon Talley is a sick prankster for putting her in that Miss Piggy "Pigs in Space" Reynolds Wrap bolero jacket. Can you say "ghetto unfabulous?" And please stop fidgeting with the car keys in your pocket! There's no denying she has an amazing voice, but now, she, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, just needs to win an Oscar for acting.

Rinko Kikuchi – Holy harajuku girl! Spectacular! Loved everything about her look, except her black gums.

Adriana Barraza – Tia is that you??? Wait a second, isn't she on "The George Lopez Show?" So cute! She was the best thing in "Babel."

Eva Green – Double, double, toil and trouble! Someone was making videotape dubs, because what was Samara from "The Ring" doing at the Oscars? Or was it the bastard love child of June Carter Cash and Dayanna Torres? Regardless, on a scale of 1 to 10, she gets a point 007. Bad. Really bad.

Gael Garcia Bernal – Formerly cute. Que paso?

Clint Eastwood – Unlike Nicholson, Eastwood has to wear his sunglasses indoors because of cataracts. You know you're old when people think you are robbing the cradle for marrying a pre-menopausal woman. Do you think Clint really knows Italian, or was he just winging the translation of Ennio Morricone's acceptance speech?

Celine Dion – Resurfaces after being holed up for four years in Vegas. While her career-ending Caesars Palace cheesefest is drawing to a close, that can only mean she is preparing to unleash a new album of mid-90s adult contemporary pop-schlock on us. Regardless of what some people said, I think her green arrivals dress looked good… for her! Glad to see Papa Smurf, er, I mean her husband is alive and well.

Penelope Cruz – Golden goddess. The only true OSCAR DRESS of the night. A dress appropriate for nothing but the Oscars! I'm sorry, but when you are nominated for an ACADEMY AWARD you want your gown to be glamorous AND dramatic. This ain't the "Meet the Fockers" premiere the Mann Westwood. I had no idea she & Will Smith shared ears!

Kirsten Dunst – Sporting one of her old "Interview with a Vampire" outfits. I hope she channeled Marie Antoinette and had her hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists beheaded for this revolting ensemble.

Tobey Maguire – Is he trying to look like Ed Grimley from SNL?? Nerdy chic is one thing, but there ain't nothin' cute about looking like a creepy postal worker. And I'm sorry, his girlfriend Jennifer Meyer may be a movie mogul's daughter, but to me she looks like every girl in Murray Hill who works in publishing and lunches in Bryant Park. I hope there was a Jitney to the Vanity Fair party. Scratch that. She looks like Alexis Arquette.

Jennifer Lopez – Ay mija, que hiciste??? I just expect more from J.Lo. She still has the best makeup in the biz, but the hair was a little marmish and the dress made her look preggers. Hey if you can't be it, dress the part, right? Also props to Marc Anthony's stylist, cuz I could barely see the IV hooked into his arm.

"Dreamgirls" performance – Just like a defibrillator, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce and 'the third Dreamgirl' revived the telecast just in the nick of time. Singing next to J.Hud, you know Beyonce was like, "Don't I look skinny!" Yes, B you iz skinny and you sho' can sing, but you ain't nevah gonna get an Oscar. Not even a singing one!

John Travolta – presenting with Latifah — I couldn't figure out who had the bigger weave! Britney's blonde bob would have looked "realer" than his burlap bird's nest.

Queen Latifah – The Lesbian Oscars continue. A blonde bombshell in sequined retread Goodyear radials.

Kate Winslet – In my book, Kate Winslet can do no wrong even though mint green on a red carpet is about as flattering as an exposed tattoo and a gown!

Jodie Foster – The lesbian Oscars roll on. Melissa brings Tammy Lynn and Ellen showoffs Portia, but poor Cydney Bernard can't see the light of day for revealing to absolutely no one's surprise that Jodie is gay. Thank god there is an endless amount of single-moms-in-peril films in development. Flight Plan 7, Panic Room 12.

In Memorian – The only omission stranger than Anna Nicole's – Peter O'Toole's. And where was Winona Ryder? She's been dead for years. At least professionally anyway.

Helen Mirren – Can do no wrong. Now that she has her Oscar, stay tuned for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. The patron saint of aging gracefully. The real reason she carried her purse to the podium: Winona Ryder was spotted in the building. Working!

Reese Witherspoon – The best Ben Stiller's wife has ever looked! GORGEOUS. Although, I did think the hair was too casual for the Oscars. Like she was going to AREA with LC and Kristin Cavallari instead of the Vanity Fair party. Attention Britney, this is how a young, blonde mother of two gets divorced. Although, I bet she went home last night with Ryan….GOSLING!

Ryan Gosling – I wish he'd give me a Half-Nelson! So hot. Did he break up with Rachel McAdams or was she at home trying to wash those awful pink streaks from her hair?

Peter O'Toole – The Departed. Nurse!

Forest Whitaker – Many think he doesn't deserve it, asking how he managed to pull off such a feat? No, not the Oscar win, but landing such a smokin' hot wife??? Rumors are that the Travolta-Prestons are putting the full court Xenu-pressure to get the big guy to turn into Scientologista. RUN FOREST RUN!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – The lesbian Oscars keep on truckin'. Hey everyone, it's Cynthia Nixon's 'husbian' life-partner. She looks fantastic!

Diane Keaton – The lesbian Oscars are almost over, and hell has officially frozen over, because Diane Keaton actually looked good! I almost didn't recognize her. No gloves! No men's suit! No oversized belt! And most importantly, no Charlie Chaplin hat! To top it all off, she was drunk. I now have new love for Didi.

Sally Kirkland – Sally and her amazing techincolor dreamcoat! It's not The Oscars until Sally arrives on the red carpet … at NOON!

Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse – Judge Reinhold at Oscar arrivals. Wha, wha, WHAAAAT?!

Lisa Ling – Repurposing Demi Moore's infamous Oscar bike-shorts debacle. She must be so happy she left "The View" to cover hard-hitting news stories!

Joan Rivers – I love the TV Guide channel for allowing a 19th century silicone cyborg with Alzheimer's to interview celebs dressed in a bloodied chinchilla fur. It doesn't get better than Joanie!

Andre Leon Talley – Don't adjust your televisions b/c that was not Whoopi in drag.
Vogue's ALT was truly the biggest Queen of the night.

Madonna – FLAWLESS. Check out the pics of her at the Vanity Fair party. Pushing 50 never looked so good. What's her beauty secret, you ask? Why, daily applications of hypo-allergenic Malawian souls, of course.

THE END

2007 Grammys

2007-02-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

Due to the crisis in the East, my recap is coming a little later than normal. And by crisis I do mean the death of Anna Nicole Smith. You have no idea what the last few days have been like at work. Insane! But I digress.

Things I learned by watching the 49th Annual Grammy Awards:

1. By the looks of Hilary Duff, Shakira, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera, India Arie and Weird Al, it appears the flat iron is (finally) dead! The perm is back. Long live Rhea Pearlman.

2. Rachel Zoe has retired her crown as Hollywood’s premiere stylist to the head costumer of 80s TV dance program “Solid Gold.” Please note: Vanessa Minnillo, Hilary Duff, Petra Nemcova, Carrie Underwood, Natasha Beddinfield.

3. If you are a musical legend like The Doors, Maria Callas or the Grateful Dead, your Lifetime Achievement award will consist of two sentences, a pan to your nearest living kin, and awkward applause. Now back to a performance by Ace of Base and JoJo.

4. The only thing worse than a bad host is… no host. Someone give me a joke, any joke. Even a bad joke. Despite 57 performances, the show moved slower than a Kirk Douglas speech.

5. Since the music industry has had a hard time creating pop stars on their own lately, the Recording Academy caved and turned to “American Idol” style theatrics to try to drum up some interest in the telecast and maybe discover the next Carrie, Clay or Kelly. They didn’t. Robin Troup meet William Hung. Will this whole need to get "the people at home" involved please end!

As always feel free to send any comments, feedback and donations to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

Until the Gay Super Bowl (aka the Oscars) on Sunday, February 25th.

-Johnny

The Police – The big news wasn’t that they reunited, but that Sting doesn’t age! Sadly, it seems he transferred those excess years to Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers. Sting looks great for 55. His wife Trudie should count herself lucky, although his shaved armpits are a little disturbing.

Tony Bennett – He also looks great… for 109, but is he really the best person to be leading Stevie Wonder on stage? Talk about the blind leading the blind!

Stevie Wonder – Wearing Paula Abdul’s dress in mens.

Joan Baez – Kumbaya! Someone’s been taking styling advice from Helen Mirren. Amazing at 65!

Dixie Chicks – Five for fighting! After being denounced, depressed and detwanged, the decountrification of Natalie, Emily and Martie is officially complete. I love these bitches, but Natalie’s white 80s prom performance gown was not ready to make nice either! But seriously, who needs Grammys when you get to go home to Adrian Pasdar from “Heroes”!

Gnarls Barkley – Or was it Big Gay Al Roker?

Prince – Everybody say it with me “Linda Dano weave!” The white suit was courtesy of Bay Ridge's own Tony Manero. The man is a genius. He hasn’t had a hit in over a decade, yet still gets himself booked on the Super Bowl, the Grammys -- and just barely missed out an Oscar nom. America loves midget, androgynous rockers in heels and a Spiegel catalog suit.

Beyonce – The only thing worse than her arrival dress – her Glendale Galleria kiosk polyester hair weave! Wash and wear. Her performance wig and giddyup, er, I mean get-up were a tad better, although the dress was so sheer you could almost to see her curly-qs. B needs to go to Churchill Downs and score some new weaves!

Black Eyed Peas – The only thing faker than will.i.am’s ear-cessory: Fergie’s chola accent! If Fergie Fugs really wants to be more ‘glamorous,’ she should consider lowering the hems on her red carpet nighties to just below her black eyed V.

Mary J. Blige – Who doesn’t worship at the Church of Blige? That being said, I don’t mean to haterate, but haven’t we been hearing about her drug days for the last 7 years?? I’m glad she finally got her Grammys, but girl needs to let it rest. Hallelujah, holla back! And it doesn’t matter how many buns she puts in her hair, there ain’t nothin’ that can make an exposed tattoo and a gown look classy. Just ask Melanie Griffith. Loved the red 70s jumpsuit/Farrah hair a million times more.

Queen Latifah – Even Al Gore would have looked more comfortable in her dress. Contrary to popular belief, Beyonce isn’t the person who wants Jennifer Hudson killed the most. If anyone’s career is about to be hijacked, it’s Tifah’s!

Justin Timberlake – Raise your hand if you are tired of his bringing suitsback look! I mean, it looks great and everything, but he’s getting so predictable and boring. Snore. And I could have done without the whole “Blair Witch” element of “What Goes Around.”

Robin Troup – She won a contest and got to sing at the Grammys. At the Grammys! Britney hasn't even done that!

Samuel L. Jackson – “Snakes on a Plane” is no longer the worst thing he’s been in this year. That honor goes to his Janet Reno inspired Chico’s ladies sweater.

Pink – MARVELOUS! She had me tickled pink! The best she has ever looked. Her body looked amazing, she chose a chic black number, and even her power dyke do looked hot! But in order to get that Vogue cover, she better laser off those trashy tats.

Brooke Hogan – Looking like a classic Old Hollywood… hooker! She kept bragging that she did her own hair and makeup. You don’t say! She might wanna try getting a dress in her size next time. Daddy would be so proud, because she was the incredible “Hulk” last night.

Natalie Cole – Presenting with Ornette Coleman, who I swear I heard say “Spare some change?” Her hair, makeup and dress made her almost seem like a biological woman.

Corinne Bailey Rae – Adorable. Have you downloaded “Like a Star” yet? What are you waiting for?!

John Legend – So hot! Love his undone bowtie at arrivals, which Ludacris then copied during his performance.

John Mayer – How do you say, ‘lost all your cred by dating a pop whore’ in Japanese? His treatment of Ryan Seacrest at arrivals made Angelina’s Globes disgust seem downright cordial. I love his music -- it’s better than Tylenol PM!

Nelly Furtado – Is “Promiscuous Girl” her “Sugar Walls?” How else do you explain her need to emulate a mid-80s Sheena Easton?! The return of the Toni Home Perm. Does Johnny Weir know his uniform is missing?

Natasha Beddinfield – Brit Ekland 2.0

Pussycat Dolls – Every single one of them looks like a “Pretty Woman,” if you know what I’m saying! Do they still charge by the hour if you splurge for all of them?

Christina Aguilera – Who da skanky one now, Britney? That voice could wake the dead, or at least Tony Bennett. How hard do you think it will be to get all of her Cheese Doodle orange tanning makeup off her white suit? Toni Home Perm strikes again!

James Blunt – The cute Jon Heder. If I never hear “Beautiful” again it will be too soon. You’re not at a weekend brunch in Echo Park. Dress up! And what was with Linda Perry and her albino girlfriend behind him at arrivals? That was a whole lotta strange.

Petra Nemcova – As long as she is with Blunt, she will have to be happy sporting all of Nicole Kidman’s Tom Cruise-era pumps. Her “Solid Gold” dress doubles as a thermo-wrap… should a Tsunami hit Staples Center.

Shakira – The new Charo. Perm-alicious! The Toni Home Perm done right! Don’t know how she did it, but mija took Beyonce’s Globes’ dress, cut it up, and made it look 10 times classier. You know I'm telling the truth cuz “Hips Don’t Lie.”

Burt Bacharach – First Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart morph into Barbara Walters and now Burt turns into a combination of Beverly Ann from "Facts of Life" and Annie Lennox. Tell me “Why?!” Are they casting a movie version of “Golden Girls” that I’m not aware of?

Seal – Winner of the Grammys alterna-tux award. Just enough rock-n-roll, but still chic and simple.

Luke Wilson – I get that Alyson Hannigan and that other girl from “How I Met Your Mother” were there because of CBS, but explain why Luke was? Is he sleeping with JT too?

Mandy Moore – Yikes! Is she opening for the Indigo Girls? ‘Cause all that was missing from her tie-dye couture was a pair of Birkenstocks and some leg hair. But you’d give up too if you read the reviews for “Because I Said So.”

LeAnn Rimes – You know she has a hit out on Carrie Underwood. The only thing disappearing faster than her career – her breasteses.

Carrie Underwood – Another CONTEST WINNER gets her Grammy. She gave the best impersonation of Reese Witherspoon’s “Walk the Line” performance I’ve ever seen. Yes Carrie, you can sing at the Grammys… just not your own songs! How much you wanna bet she has a sex tape?!

Rascal Flats – Can we do some DNA testing on the lead singer? I swear he/she does the door at the L-Word Bar and Grill.

Imogen Heap – Kudos for getting noticed Ms. Imogen ‘trash’ Heap. At least now moms in Des Moines have heard of you! The funny thing is that it’s not too far off from some of Gwen Stefani’s everything-and-the-kitchen-sink ensembles. Where’s a NASA diaper when you need one?? I actually thought the strangest thing about the whole debacle was her un-groomed eyebrows. Is it the 90s?

Christina Ricci – She looked so good that I barely noticed her usual resemblance to E.T. last night.

Smokey Robinson – All his botox gives new meaning to the line “So take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place.” I’ll say! And I didn’t realize Victoria’s Secret made sheer, lacey camis for men! Is Bobby Trendy his stylist now?

Lionel Richie – Hello! He sounded awesome. I don’t care what The Recording Academy says, but somehow I don’t think in 20 years Chris Brown’s “Run It” will be revered like “Hello” or “Tracks of My Tears.”

Chris Brown – Screw his “Stomp the Yard” performance, it was all about his James Brown dance homage. Hot!

Rihanna and David Spade – They wish they looked like Iman and David Bowie. It was more like Tyra and Ellen!

Hilary Duff – Yet another Solid Gold dancer with a matching perm. The return of the outta boro guidette! I had to pinch myself because I swore when she was on the red carpet I was watching lost footage from my ’89 Queens catholic high school prom. Can someone cue Richard Marx’s “Hold On to the Night” for me?

Jennifer Hudson – Two weeks and counting until the J. Hud backlash begins. Everyone knows your career starts spiraling downward the minute you finish your Oscar acceptance speech. Just ask Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones -- to say nothing of Anna Paquin, Mira Sorvino and Whoopi Goldberg.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Tell me I’m not crazy, but Anthony Kiedis was hot once, right? Now he just looks like Hilary Swank. And you know the women in the audience were not having all that confetti/feathers in their weaves. Hells to the no!

Al Gore – Um…excuse me, but let’s not forget it was Al’s wife, Tipper, who started the PMRC (Parent’s Music Resource Center) back in the 80s to censor music. So continue being carbon-free, but save your whole ‘I love music’ crap for someone who cares.

Scarlett Johansson – Brooke Hogan’s look done correctly. Since it’s a Hollywood law that when one celeb pop tart checks into rehab another one gets her wings, the part of Lindsey Lohan will now be played by Scarlett. And she’s on her way to a great start: breaking up w/one celeb boyfriend (Hartnett), then hooking up with another in public (JT), and now recording an album. Looks like it’s T minus 10 and counting until we see her cookie-o-puss.

Melissa Rivers - Was that her dress or was she late getting back from her mani/pedi/chin wax in Little Tokyo? Konnichiwa. Bangs by Alicia Keys.

Ryan Seacrest - aka the red carpet punching bag. What are we gonna do about this little bird shouldered boy? Someone needs to tell him that these celebs aren't really his friends. You are not one of them. Impostor. Like a contest winner.

Madonna - No, she wasn't there, but it's been 25 years since her first single, "Everybody," was released and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie is still winning Grammys. Even though it wasn't televised (only about 10% of categories are), Madge took home Best Electronic Dance album. She may be a crazy wannabe British Kabbalist baby stealer, but I still love her. Sorry.

Ya se acabó!

A Media Whore Is Born

2007-02-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I'm not the only one who had issues with the film, as Mediabistro and World of Wonder gave my SAG recap a Little Sunshine of their very own.

2007 SAG Awards

2007-01-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

Because the SAG Awards were so utterly uneventful and since my day job has been insanely busy, I am forgoing my usual recap format. Instead of my standard laundry list of thoughts, I am going to just give you my biggest gripe of the entire night. And no, it was not Ellen Pompeo's Mrs. Roper Goes to Spanish Harlem outfit.

My friends, the worst ENSEMBLE by far was "Little Miss Sunshine" winning for Best Ensemble Cast! To quote SNL Weekend Update: REALLY?!?!

I know America and the Guild love a feel good Cinderella story, but can't we let Macy Gray, er, I mean Jennifer Hudson fulfill that quota? Don't even get me started on the Oscars, because I can't believe it's nominated for Best Picture over more deserving films like "Children of Men", "United 93", "The Good Shepherd" (which I thought was just ok) or even, bite my tongue, "Dreamgirls."

As far as ensemble casts go, you mean to tell me Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, and the guy who played the son were, as a whole, better than the cast of "The Departed?" REALLY?!
Better than: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson and Vera Farmiga. REALLY?!

If you are still professing your love for "the little movie that could" then please explain to me how in the hell you seriously bought:

1. Steve Carell's character bumping into his ex at the rest stop on the highway. REALLY?! This isn't an episode of "Friends" people!

2. That this family didn't know what went on at kiddie beauty pageants. REALLY?! Did the local news in their part of Albuquerque not cover the whole Jon Benet Ramsey case? Even my relatives in Cuba know what goes on and they only have electricity on alternate Tuesdays!

3. That Toni Collette's character would go to all this trouble to get her daughter to a beauty pageant, yet has no clue what her daughter's routine is until she's on stage? REALLY?!

4. That Steve Carell's character would dash his nephew's Air Force Academy dreams on the spot by telling him they don't let in guys who are color blind. REALLY?! You mean you wouldn't google the Academy rules first to be sure or at least wait until you get home.REALLY?! And since when are rebellious goth teens clamoring to get into the Armed Forces? Do they not make Dungeons & Dragons anymore?

5. The family driving around with Alan Arkin's dead body in the van. REALLY?! Actually, I thought this was funny too...in "National Lampoon's Vacation"!

Now, I can enjoy slapstick comedy as much as the next fool, but please don't try to pass it off as a real or believable story. Cause it ain't!

And finally, if the Academy really wants to honor a young, up-and-coming talent, then, with my apologies to Miss Breslin, look no further than "Half Nelson's" Shareeka Epps. She, my friends, is truly a SUPERFREAKin’ great actress!

Well, enough talk about this drivel of a movie. On to the Grammys on February 11th. I hear Beyonce has already commissioned Barbaro's remains for her weave.

Ciao!
-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

2007 Golden Globes

2007-01-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

2007 Golden Globes – 1/16/07

by Johnny Lopez

Things I learned from the 2007 Golden Globe Awards:

1.The bowtie is dead. Long live the black regular tie.
2.Red, red lips make most women look clownish—at least on television.
3.Metallic dresses are great for walking the runways of the Westside Piers and the corner of Highland + Santa Monica Blvd.
4.As seen by the influx of white dresses, The Druids are controlling the Hollywood fashion biz.
5.Don't let Warren Beatty speak.
6.People actually watch "Monk," "House" and "The Closer."

With the world of TV and film coming together at the Globes, it makes for a lengthy recap. (Sorry Greg!). Check out pics here: Wire Image

Send any comments or feedback to me at:

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Until the SAG Awards on Sunday, Jan. 28th.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Apparently, the" Ghost Whisperer" couldn't hear fashion advice as she opted for this brown quincenera dress. Felicidades!

Sienna Miller – Her Roman inspired gown left her looking like an ancient ruin. Didn't Diane Krueger (remembah huh?) wear the same dress last year? Is "Factory Girl" ever coming out?

Patricia Arquette - Patricia may play a "Medium" --but she still needs an Extra Large.

Rosanna Arquette – Her black lacy funeral dress officially ushers in the death of her career. Yet again.

Gillian Anderson - Hopefully the truth is out there as to who styled Gillian Anderson's scary outfit.

Jean Smart – Looking like a goth secretary boarding the Staten Island Ferry to her job at PriceWaterhouseCooper!

Jeremy Irons - Sporting the latest from Steven Seagal's Last Samurai Collection.

Jay Manuel - (he co-hosted E!'s red carpet) – Leslie Uggams is that you? Channeling Lestat in his International Male catalog velvet blazer/pirate shirt atrocity. Hair by Brigitte Nielsen.

Geena Davis - Her satin aqua smock gave me the blues. What time does her La Cage Aux Folles performace start?

Rinko Kikuci (Babel) – Gwen finally let one of her Harajuko girls out on her own! Sadly, the pink faerie nightie was even more confusing than "Babel."

Sharon Stone (w/sunglasses on) - Sharon wears her sunglasses at night and showcases her trademark brand of crazy to the world.

Beyonce – From Dreamgirl to Showgirls! She got her freak 'um dress straight from the sale rack of House of Derriere! The gold metallic hoochie number seemed more appropriate for "Flava of Love" than the Globes. She should win an award solely for acting so moved during Hudson's win. One good thing - only 36 horses had to die to make her weave! Luckily, neither Swank nor Melissa Rivers were involved.

Cameron Diaz - Cameron D's froo-froo dress had so many bells and whistles, you could hear it coming a mile away. Run! Someone throw Celine's backwards tux jacket on her, stat! Bring back the blonde Cameron we all know and (except for JT) love! Red lip victim.

Prince – Still sporting that Linda Dano weave I see. His yellow suit looked great -- for the "Golden Girls!" The missing link between androgynous rockers and Boca Raton mah jongg players. Actually, I know his stylist, and you won't find a nicer salesgirl in any Talbot's!

Will Ferrell – I didn't mind his 70s 'fro. I just didn't know he was dating All My Children's male-to-female transsexual, Zarf.

George Clooney – Perfection.

Jennifer Hudson – Yes, we all love her. I mean, who doesn't love a Cinderella story? But just remember, acting powerhouses like Pia Zadora and Madonna have both 'won' Golden Globes too! I just hope this doesn't give Kelly Clarkson or Bo Bice any ideas!

Justin Timberlake – If I were JT I wouldn't be so quick to mock Prince. Cross the Purple One and risk being banished off the face of the earth. Don't believe me? Then explain the whereabouts of Vanity, Apollonia, Sheila E., Morris Day, Diamond & Pearl, and the entire Revolution!

Adrien Grenier – Proves a good shearing can do a boy some good.

Tina Fey – Great dress for a friend's wedding, but not a red carpet event.

David Spade – The Rachel didn't look good on Aniston, let alone on a pixie of a man. I'm talking to you too, Keith Urban.

Naomi Watts – She needs to flash her Britney bits or get a DUI if she wants to be more memorable. Hey Nomi, Kitson is just east of the Beverly Hills Hilton.

Renee Zellweger – 10 years since "Jerry Maguire," and she still hasn't removed the lemon wedge lodged inside her mouth! Will she ever be happy?

Jessica Biel – Looked so hot that I'll almost forget the abomination that was "Home of the Brave." Her body is the only thing harder than Sharon Stone's forehead.

Emily Blunt – It was a big night for Ms. Blunt, especially when she got home and found Anne Hathaway waiting in her darkened living room… boiling a rabbit.

Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears BLAHda. I don't expect her to wear cutting edge couture, but as the most talented American actress out there, and after starring in a film about fashion, can we at least get La Streep a flattering dress??? There's nothing chic about looking like a teacher at Hogwarts.

Ben Stiller – A long, long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away I found Ben Stiller funny. It seems only appropriate that he is morphing into Ted Danson. Raise your hand if you ever saw an episode of "Becker?" If you paid money to see "A Night at the Museum" then the terrorists have already won.

Salma Hayek – Didn't love the white dress but when you look like Salma not even a bad frock can make you look bad.

Eddie Murphy – The one person Eddie didn't thank – Shalomar! Oh right, he/she died shortly after Murphy picked her up on Santa Monica Blvd in '97. I can see why he may be confused, but someone needs to tell him to stop hitting on Hudson and Beyonce. They aren't drag queens… I think.

Sarah Jessica Parker – In that gold metallic dress she looked like she was starring in "Paid Sex and the City."

Helen Mirren – All hail the Queen and cue Montell Jordan cuz this is how we do it! Flawless. All the Beverly Hills-ensteins take note: Mirren is the REAL thing. Elderly cleavage never looked so good!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He really is a Dream, girl! One year later and he's still playing a gay cowboy by riding in on his horse, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she goes and makes "Freedom Writers?" She's just begging to star in a cable series.

Vanessa Williams – You're on in five, Miss Ross! The hair! The fur! Diva! Crazy but I loved it. Valedictorian at Sharon Stone Beauty Academy.

Tim Allen – Apparently, Tim hasn't watched TV since Home Improvement got cancelled, because Alec Baldwin is on "30 Rock" not "3 rd Rock," as he erroneously mentioned.

Clint Eastwood – He's come a long way since co-starring w/an orangutan in "Every Which Way But Loose." See, there is hope for Matt LeBlanc! I hear Eastwood's next film is semi-autobiographical and takes place during Clint's teenage years in the Civil War. Not even Dirty Harry can look tough in a white bowtie.

Hugh Grant – Was Divine Brown backstage? Because he looked like he got it on with something right before he presented with Drew.

Drew Barrymore – Jennifer Lopez is that you? Gorgeous! Hot, tan and svelte. Complete redemption for her Green Saggy Boob Debacle of '06.

John Stamos – A Greek god. The fact that he's single makes me question Rebecca Romijn's mental faculties.

America Ferrara – As Charlize and Kidman can attest, if you want to play ugly in Hollywood, then you better be pretty! "Ugly Betty" is the final nail in the "Desp Housewives" closet. Done.

Maria Menounos – Proves the only thing more awkward than being Rosie O'Donnell's bikini waxer is interviewing celebs as they come offstage and asking them how they feel. How do you think they feel, Einstein?

Tom Hanks – Thank god he got rid of that "DaVinci" do, but did he have to give it to Clay Aiken? Where was Rita Wilson? Don't tell me she was busy, because none of the nail salons in the Palisades stay open past 7pm.

Ken Watanabe – I know he's Japanese, but did he have to bring his geisha with him? I mean, Trump brought his whore with him too, but at least he left his butler at home.

Warren Beatty – His acceptance speech was courtesy of BABBLE. It made Dick Clark seem like Barack Obama. To think Madonna was hitting that 17 years ago. That's right, SEVENTEEN years ago!

Annette Bening – Drink Sue Ellen, Drink. Even when not up against Swank, she still can't win. In that dress, she had everyone wondering what time the sack races started.

Steven Spielberg – Where was Kate Capshaw, you ask? See Rita Wilson.

Reese Witherspoon – Kellie Pickler, what have you done with Ms. Witherspoon?! She seems so much lighter having lost those last 180 lbs, aka Ryan Phillippe. If Jake G. isn't screwing her on the set of their new film, then he really is gay.

Sacha Baron Cohen – the male Ugly Betty. I liiiike!

Jennifer Lopez – Gorge! I can excuse the bad films, the diva behavior, the cheesy MTV dance show, even her runt husband. But if she turns into a Cruisazy Scientologist, we will have to take her out—Lady Di style. Leah Remini must be stopped.

David Arquette – When did he become the prettiest Arquette?

Philip Seymour Hoffman – in Kaput.

Brangelina – Granted it was Brad's night, but she can't play the whole 'I don't care for these events' card while dressed in couture and blood diamonds, let alone the 12 lbs of cover up used to hide her trashy tattoos. With her Benetton brood at capacity, now she just needs to adopt a new attitude.

Forrest Whitaker – Nice guy, great performance and gorgeous wife, but the fact that he starred in "Battlefield Earth" scares me more than Idi Amin.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – You know the Hollywood Foreign Press didn't want to play the Red States/Blue States game by bestowing an award on Warren Beatty without giving the Governator airtime too.

Penelope Cruz – Between her and Angelina, Ryan Seacrest got no love last night. A man should never ask a lady about her beard. I don't care if it is as cute as Orlando Bloom.

Kate Winslet – With her possible 5th Oscar nom, she is on her way to becoming the Susan Lucci of the Academy Award. Another red lipstick victim.

Will & Jada-Pinkett Smith – Even Will would look more feminine in that peach dress than she did.

Aaron Eckhart – Hot!

Toni Collette – Unrecognizable! Should Cameron Diaz not be able to fulfill her duties, Miss Collette will be crowned the new Cameron Diaz.

Abigail Breslin – I heard Abigail and Dakota Fanning had a big fight at Chuck E. Cheese last night over Freddie Highmore, but he wound up leaving with Bindi Irwin to go to Hannah Montana's after hours.

Ben Affleck – He's back to looking hot. Interesting that he and J.Lo both downgraded after their breakup. Is that The Gigli effect?

Jen Garner – That white dress was the worst thing she's been in since "Elektra" or "Daredevil" or "13 Going on 30" or…

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – (director of Babel) – Salma, Ugly Betty, Penelope, J.Lo, Volver, Pan's Labyrinth, Alfonso Cuaron's Children of Men - The Hispanics are taking ovah! Coño!

"Heroes"cast – "Lost," who? The first season isn't over and Ali Larter has already begun losing weight. She does look great though.

Ellen Pompeo – Calista Zellweger or Renee Flockhart. You decide.

Patrick Dempsey – I am officially McOver him. Next.

Michael C. Hall – The anti-metrosexual. He actually got hotter going from playing a gay man in "Six Feet Under" to playing a straight murderer in "Dexter."

Elizabeth Perkins – Something's wrong. She's hot and hip in "Weeds" and a marm in real life. It's Ugly Liz.

Jeremy Piven – Hollywood's Chia Pet. Miraculously, his hair just keeps growing and growing.

Chloe Sevigny – A definite improvement for her, but still didn't love it. A perfect dress - for dinner at Captain Steubing's table.

Teri Hatcher – She got 0.00 media coverage. Yep, she's back to has-been.

Steven Cojocaru - The Rachel strikes yet again!

Ryan Seacrest – He's great at interviewing celebs to sleep. Bring back Kathy Griffin and Isaac Mizrahi!

Favorite Joanism – Rivers asking 10-year-old Abigail Breslin what her beauty regimen is.

Favorite Melissa moment – When she finally galloped off screen.

The People's Choice Awards

2007-01-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

The People’s Choice Awards – 1/9/06

Ok, I know you didn’t watch this pathetic show, but with the Globes on Monday I wanted to get in the recap mode again. It’s been a while!

You can check out pics of the show here: http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====252239&nbc1=1

Or you can just take my word on it.

As always feel free to agree, disagree, laugh or cry about my musings. Feedback, and donations,are always appreciated.

If you want to be added to the distribution list drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. My email for recaps.

My other email is still my regular everyday email—for those of you that have that one.

Until Tuesday morning/afternoon.

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Queen Latifah – I haven’t seen someone look this uncomfortable in a dress since “To Wong Foo.”

Halle Berry – She wins for Fave Female Action Star and all people ever compliment her on is her beauty—so much for winning that Oscar. Remember that? Dissing Bryan Singer by thanking Brett Ratner for finally letting Storm fly this year will only guarantee that her non-X-Men roles will continue to be abominations.

Robin Williams – Someone give the hairy man some Ritalin please. Settle down Mork. You don’t have to prove you can still be ‘funny’ after going to rehab.

Emily Procter – (she’s one of those blonde actresses in one of those CBS crime shows) - 7 years later and peeps are still trying to outdo J.Lo’s Versace Grammy dress. Someone tape those puppies down!

Kenny Chesney – Slowly morphing into the killer in Jeepers Creepers. If you want to know why he never takes his hat off, then you’ve obviously never seen him with his hat off!

LL Cool J – If he’s not gonna be shirtless (like on the cover of his new book) then what’s the point!

Jennifer Aniston – Favorite Female Movie Star. Really? Did anyone see Rumor Has It or Derailed? She actually looked really good and she actually speaks! She’s been so silent all these years –other than in her fabulous films- that I was beginning to wonder. I still don’t understand how someone can have the opportunity to bear Brad Pitt’s spawn and they turned it down. LOCA.

Christina Applegate – Is still alive.

Johnny Depp – via satellite. Um…the only award show he goes to is the Oscars. And rightfully so.

Skeet Ulrich – Was “Scream” really 11 years ago? Did you know he was on a current series? Has he, unlike Brad Rowe, escaped the curse of looking too much like an already established heartthrob? Do you even know what I am talking about?

Katherine Heigl – Poor thing always gets it wrong. Can someone please put her in a simple black dress and be done with it!

The other black guy on “Grey’s Anatomy” that isn’t Isaiah Washington – HOMELESS

Rebecca Gayheart – Vehicular manslaughter never looked so good!

Adam Sandler – I’ve discovered the gay gene and it has nothing to do with fashion sense, witty banter, or the ability to throw a great party. Simply, there are those that find Adam Sandler movies funny (not gay) and those that don’t (gay). Except “The Wedding Singer” which is gay, Gay, GAY! So what are you?

Cameron Diaz – as the lost Olsen Triplet. What happened to her nose? If she’s serious that the reason she’s an actress is “for you” then I’m sure we can all find something to do with her $20 million per film paycheck. I’d pay her to STOP making films.

Ellen DeGeneres – She really is a butch Carson Kressley. Poor Portia. If it wasn’t for award shows Ellen would never show any affection in public. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this household, but someone needs to grow some balls and stop desexualizing themselves. If Letterman and Leno are allowed to flirt with guests, so should Ellen.

Wanda Sykes – Wore pants. You do the math.

Charlie Sheen – He thanked “us” for letting him do what he loves. Coke, hookers and gamble??? Whatever Carlos Estevez.

Vanessa Williams – Ok, I know I don’t watch it but “Ugly Betty” is a drama? Really?

Patrick Dempsey – Proof that you can be a 80s teen film star and still have a big career today. And then there’s Molly Ringwald.

David Duchovny – McDreamy meet McWeeny. What happened? The Echhh Files.

Hayden Panettiere – Jon Benet Ramsey Lives!! Save the Cheerleader indeed. The new Eva Longoria—from unknown to media onslaught in three short months.

Steven Cojocaru – There are no words.

Hannah Montana aka Billy Ray Cyrus’ 14 y.o. daughter – Let’s see how long he can keep her away from Hyde or Koi.

Best R+B song noms – Timberlake, Xtina and Mariah - Of all the R+B hits this year you’re telling me the only nominees you could come up with where 2 blondes and a quadroon! Crazy.

Justin Timberlake – poor Cameron will not be getting his dick in her box anymore.

Eva Longoria – What’s the name of her show that everyone USED to watch? I can’t seem to remember it. Wow, you too?

Vince Vaughn – aka the UNDEAD. The real life Lurch. Is Jen a vampire? Because someone sucked the life out of him. He’s slowly turning into the subway ghost in “Ghost.”

2006 VMAs - 9/1/06

2006-09-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

With no amazing performances, surprise guests or controversial moments - save the fact that transsexuals have taken over pop music (via Fergie, Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane) -- last night's show was quite tepid. While I am glad they brought the show to it's rightful home of New York --back from two muy malo years in Miami -- it could still use some revamping. And by revamping I mean: keep it simple. Set up one stage, hire a non-erratic host and make sure presenters have rehearsed their lines. Once you have that down, I'm sure getting the Duff sisters to make out or Lil' Jon to duet with Tori Amos will be a breeze.

Please remember this recap is supposed to be amusing and not taken so seriously.

As always send me your comments and love to:

lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until next time.

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Justin Timberlake – He’s bringing Sexy and Michael Jackson back! Did he learn nothing from the last time he channeled Senor Jacko? If he really wanted to wow us then he and Timbaland should have ended their number with a full on man-on-man kiss. You ready?!

Jack Black – It’s really funny that some people find him funny. Sometimes, I just don’t get you heteros and your bad senses of humor!

Jack White (and the Raconteurs) – I think Jack is so weird. Not because he’s paler than Nicole Kidman’s ass, or because he bares a bizarre resemblance to Mighty Mouse. But because he dated Renee Zellweger for a year. Ewww. That’s some strange shit.

Lil’ Kim – has gone a lil' insane. Why in the world is she trying to look like Joan Rivers and Madam from Wayland Flowers? Still, she's good show.

James Blunt - All it took to bring him and Petra Nemcova together was a tsunami.

Andre 3000 & Ciara - She still looks more masculine than he does. Sorry Andre but the jodhpurs trend failed.

Black Eyed Peas - the inner city No Doubt. Hip-pop. Positive rap. Call it what you like but their lyrics are just crappy gibberish to me. Can't wait to see their latest commercial, mall appearance or the inevitable performance at the Mrs. America pageant. Don't let them fool you; the only color these Peas see is GREEN.

Fergie - Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than the Black Eyed PLEASE (you know I had to call them that at least once), along comes little miss vagi-skirts with a solo video, er, I mean album. Can someone please explain what "London Bridge" is all about? On second thought, don't!

The Rock - With every ounce of fame he gets skinnier and skinnier. He's the WWE version of Nicole Richie.

Shakira - Gorgeous on the red carpet. Proving you don't need tons of makeup when you're truly beautiful --sorry Xtina and Fall Out Boy. Mamacita's been toning and tanning I see.

"Jackass" guys - No mas! We get it. You guys are crazy. Now please take your place in the reality show graveyard next to "Fear Factor", "Paradise Hotel" and "The Bachelorette." Except you Johnny Knoxville, please report to my room ASAP.

50 Cent and LL Cool J - The two hottest bods in rap and they wear oversized sweatshirts. That's the lamest thing I've ever heard since Will Smith tried to rap again.

Lil Jon - Isn't it about time we called Human Services. I mean seriously.

Kelly Clarkson - She wasn't there but she won over Madonna. I'll let that slide if you promise to stop your disgusting habit of watching "American Idol" every year. C'mon, please! If not I'll force you to listen to Rueben, Fantasia and Carrie Underwood albums!

Pussycat Dolls - Who knew the other bimbos could speak??? Ok, very nice, you won. Now I need you to get back to your posts on the West Side Highway. Time is money girls.

Sarah Silverman - Sarah, if you don't trip or fall then the MTV audience does not get your humor. To be quite honest, last night neither did I. And I usually love her. I'm just gonna blame Jack Black on that too.

Jessica Simpson - Did her stylist, Jessica Paster, put her in that Kelly Bundy dress? Somebody call Rachel Zoe quick! And has she been secretly working out with Nick because by the looks of her shoulders, girl can do a mean lat pulldown. At least she didn't sing. Thank God for small miracles.

OK Go - Was it me or did the treadmill routine seem 100 times cooler on Youtube? Nevertheless kudos.

Sean White (Olympian) - I too thought one Carrot Top in this world would be enough. But it is nice to see a male one.

Paris Hilton - I barely recognize her unless she's coming out of Hyde, or cumming in general.

Tara Reid - With every celeb under 30 in NY last night, I hope she had no trouble getting into Hyde yesterday. If you know not of what I speak check out this link:

http://www.tmz.com/2006/08/28/hilarious-paris-tara-video-im-so-yesterday/

Nick Lachey - So wait he really does sing? Who does he have to f*ck to get his song played on the radio? Or better yet on MTV? Which brings us to…

Vanessa Minnillo - Tread softly my dear because underneath the TRL studio you can still hear the ghosts of Idalis and Ananda Lewis gasping for airtime.

Nicole Richie-Escovedo - I'm rooting for the Twig Princess. I really am. She's very witty and the most stylish 9-year-old I've ever seen. I heard after the show she was at Bungalow 8 canoodling with John Mark Karr.

Pink - Winning for "Stupid Girls" and having Nicole Richie present it to you -- Can you say awkward? Her shaved head coif and unfortunate palazzo pants -- even more awkward. But her new album is fantastic. I highly recommend it.

John Norris - There are no words to explain. Does Mystic Tan have a new hairline? This MTV dinosaur needs to lay off the Sun-In. Freak-A-Zoid.

Beyonce - Diary of a Mad Black Woman! CRAZY in love is right. Somebody please "Ring the Alarm" because there is some serious shit going on in the House of Dereon.
Excuse me Ms. Knowles, while there's no denying you are a fab dancer, did you honestly think we wouldn't remember Rhythm Nation 1814??? With Jacko and Janet representing via JT and B - who's up for channeling LaToya and Tito? BTW, where was Janet? Miss Jackson has a new album coming up and needs all the help it can get. This time she better start readying her left boob.

Diddy - How he got America to run out and buy copies of Danity Kane's debut album is a bigger mystery than the whereabouts of Suri Cruise.

Jared Leto - for his latest role Jared Leto will play a Goth. Stupid! Goth in HS is one thing. I'll even excuse twentysomethings in bands discovering 80s Goth. But Goth in your 30s is just plain sad. Leto needs to find his "My So Called Life."

Amy Lee - She's a flop album away from scrapping her look and re-emerging in Danity Kane.

Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance - Nice outfits boys. I had no idea Jane Austen and Edith Wharton were the hardest working stylists in rock. If the MAC counter near you is out of ebony eyeliner blame their labels

Panic at the Disco - For everyone (especially guys) who say they don't like Broadway musicals, I call bullshit. Because their hit song has Andrew Lloyd Weber written all over it.

Fall Out Boy - Were they dressed for the VMAs or a prom at Hogwarts?

My Chemical Romance - Never mind the performance. That was the best ad the Observation Deck at Rockefeller Center could ever have hoped for. I'm so there my next trip to NY. (Which is during Thanksgiving btw).

Fort Minor - "Where'd You Go" - Eminem and Dido never sounded so good.

Kelis - Sadly she was going for the 106th and Park Ave Princess look but wound up like a 60s kindergarten teacher instead.

Little Miss Sunshine - I don't get what the hype is all about. Sorry.

Avenge Sevenfold - Who? What? Why? I'm just too old I guess.

Britney and K-Fed - What? How? Why? I'm just too old I guess.

Missy Elliott - How happy is she that she doesn't have to wear Glad bags - by default -anymore?

Hype Williams - proving you can still wear a hot tux and not lose your street cred. Superb. But Diddy is gonna kill him for not mentioning him in his acceptance speech.

Christina Aguilera - SING! What a voice. But I'm getting really tired of her whole "I'mnottrashylikeBritneysoI'mgonnabereallyglamorous" thing. We get it baby Jane. If she keeps pushing the classy image, expect to see her turn up as Elizabeth I or the Virgin Mary next.

Linda Perry - on piano w/ Xtina or was it Fievel?

AFI - MISS Murder, I couldn’t have thought up a better song title if I tried. The lead singer is the love child of Alan Cumming and Joyce Dewitt. Eyeliner is one thing but false eyelashes?! Like Shakira says, hips don't lie, lady. It's Boy George 2006. And everyone pretends they always knew Lance Bass was gay. Ha!

Tenacious D - No.

Queen Latifah - Three horses had to die to bust her weave out.

Al Gore - in "How to make an award show come to a screeching halt." The inconvenient truth is that sandwiched between acts like Pussycat Dolls and Axl Rose, this segment was just inappropriate. And that's coming from someone who really liked the documentary.

Jennifer Lopez - I see someone's seen "Grey Gardens." It was nice of her to take a break from her duties in King Arthur's court. She proved there's no baby bump, but plenty of booty bump. I know she's going to get lots of shit for her shower cap ensemble but at least it was interesting and fashion forward. And hysterical.

Axl Rose - The best Tonya Harding has looked in years.

The Killers - "When We Were Young" is just waiting to be put into a John Hughes teen comedy (with Molly Ringwald as the mom.) It's "Don't You Forget About Me '06". I can already hear it being played in proms from coast to coast. Can you tell I'm having a nostalgic moment?

2006 EMMYs

2006-09-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

There are officially no real television stars! Film and music celebs are so much more interesting. And since all a program needs to be considered a hit these days is a weekly viewer ship of about 15 million, there are loads of shows with casts that NO ONE recognizes. Boy could this show have used one of Teri Hatcher's I-used-to-be-a-has-been speeches.

You know it's bad when the cast on Big Brother:All Stars is more exciting. Go Janelle!

I know it's late but my job these days doesn't leave for as much free time as before.

So feel free to ask for your money should you not be pleased with your recap purchase.

As always I appreciate your comments and love. Send them my way at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until the VMAs on Thursday night!

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Annette Bening – Even without Hilary Swank nominated, poor Annette still can’t win a damn thing.

Barry Manilow – Sporting the latest from the Barbara Walters wig collection. I hear Rod Stewart owns one too. My question is: when he yelled “Alright Dick!” at the end of his performance was it meant to be a shout out to Dick Clark or did he finally come out of his Copacabana closet?

Blythe Danner – I hate giving any sort of Gwyneth-related praise, but Blythe looked great. That being said, the woman owns more shawls than an entire village of Italian widowed grandmothers.

Bob Newhart – Silly me thought he was already dead.

Calista Flockhart – Why, Mary Tyler Moore, look how young you’ve gotten!! Nothing says eating disorder like a return to primetime television. Are black teeth a sign of anorexia nervosa or was she just drinking red wine backstage? Since she’s got that new TV show this fall and dates Harrison Ford it’s pretty much an even draw.

Candice Bergen – Do me a favor and pass me Blythe Danner’s shawl cause we need to cover this up quick. Sporting the latest from Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Kimono-Cowboy Ready to Wear Collection.

Charlie Sheen – aka Carlos Estevez – Call me crazy but I think by divorcing Denise Richards he may actually be through with the whores.

Christopher Meloni – HUNK

Cloris Leachman – What Farrah Fawcett could look like if she had some good work done!

Dick Clark – I'm not going there.

Candy Spelling - What's the going rate for a relationship with your daughter?

Tori Spelling - Since she's ain't getting shit from her mom now, she and her Z-list actor husband can start making Red Shoe Diaries films for a living together or at the very least a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger!

Farrah Fossil - The best she's look since they reassembled her face. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't she fight with Spelling over money and left Charlie's Angels after one year? Poor Cheryl Ladd was an Angel for much longer and got ass for it.

Kate Jackson - I believe she's still up on that stage talking. And had Aaron let her make Kramer vs. Kramer like she was supposed to her career could have been completely different.Meryl Streep different.

Jaclyn Smith - She was always my favorite Angel. Still gorgeous but needs to stop getting work done before she starts looking like a Beverly Hills-enstein. Remember when she was the only celeb with a fashion line?

Edie Falco – Once and for all Mystic Tanning does not, I repeat, does NOT look natural! Unless you consider Cheez Doodle orange a natural skin tone.

Ellen Pompeo – If the look she was going for was that whole white-trash-unwed-teen-mother- 7/11-attendant-with-a-nuyorican-accent thing then kudos. Mission accomplished.

Eva Longoria – Next to the sea of relative unknowns (sorry “The Office,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and Gillian Anderson) Eva comes off looking like she’s a Julia Roberts-size supastar!

Evangeline Lilly – Gorgeous. Place your bets now: How long before she’s in a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey?

Felicity Huffman – Remember huh? What a difference a year makes.

Heather Locklear – Somebody apparently got the name of Madonna’s doctor! Now be a doll and give their # to Fawcett.

Heidi Klum - Her next reality show should be called Project Tubes Tied. The girl is so fertile that Hezbollah just attacked her.

Howie Mandel - Who let him get famous again? Did we learn nothing from his 80s rubber glove over the nose trick? He and Joey Lawrence are trying to pull a McConaughey/Gyllenhall --only they are vying for the Mr. Clean role instead of Lance Armstrong.

Jamie Pressly - Am I suppose to be impressed she got nominated for basically playing her pre-(and possibly post)Hollywood self? I guess those 583 FHM covers finally paid off.

James Woods - He's dating a 20-year-old but he's TWENTY-times-three-years-old. Somebody check his Jon Benet alibi!

Jennifer Love Hewitt - She's growing up. How can I tell? Her hips don't lie. As Barry Manilow can attest to.

Jeremy Piven - Let's see. He brought his mom, wore an ascot and mentioned fluffer in his acceptance sheet. What do you think he's trying to tell us? Hmmm.

Joan Collins - Somebody oughta stop letting granny do her own makeup!

Julia-Louis Dreyfus - Hasn't aged since the "Seinfeld" finale. When you're married to an albino, how can you possibly almost forget to thank him?

Katherine Hiegl - No, don't worry. That wasn't Charlize Theron at the Emmys. It was just one of the droves of unknown actresses on "Grey's Anatomy."

Leslie Jordan - (Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace) - a non-"Brokeback" gay reference at an award show?? But this isn't the Tonys!

Mariska Hargitay - Fantabulous. She takes after her mom, Jayne Mansfield, and has a good head on her shoulders.

Matthew Perry - A new Matthew Perry TV show can only mean one thing: Let the weight fluctuations begin!

Megan Mullally - The thing is, everyone wants to see Karen Walker's talk show NOT Megan Mullally's! What is she thinking?

Patrick Dempsey - He had the best head of hair of the night. Well, besides Tyra's wig of course.

Ray Liotta - Or was it a Rhesus Monkey? Global warming wouldn't be such an issue if only the Polar icecaps were as frozen as his face.

Ron Livingston - Y'all can have Pitt, Clooney and Depp. Give me Livingston and I'll call it a day. Yum.

Sean Hayes - Now with the show cancelled, his Lance Bass moment should be no more than 24-36 months away.

Simon Cowell - In the words of Valerie Cherish, "I don't need to see that!" I haven't seen that much exposed cleavage since the 2004 Super Bowl.

Steve Carell - With the exception of Rainn Wilson, how cute has the cast of "The Office" gotten in these two years?! Not that I know their names.

Tina Fey - With Tina not returning to the show, the only reason left to watch SNL is to get your Saturday night guests to leave sooner.

Tom Selleck - God bless 'em. Someone's gotta keep the 70s porn look alive.

Tony Shaloub - One day soon people will start watching "Monk" and then he'll finally be able to get his name off the no-fly list.

Tyra Banks - Her dress cost $55K and her jewels $3 million. And we wonder why the world hates Americans! I haven’t seen someone pose this hard since Garth Brooks came out with Chris Gaines.

Virginia Madsen - I see what she bought with her "Sideways" money --tits!

Jean Smart - Looking young is always good. But looking like a young Tanya Tucker --not so good.

Leah Remini - Her exchange with Ryan Seacrest over Suri Cruise was priceless. A metrosexual pipsqueak should never mess with a spicy Brooklyn Italian Scientologist. If Seacrest goes missing this week -- now you know why.

Debra Messing - Everybody wave goodbye to the nice redheaded lady.

Amy Poehler - Doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation ever!

Chandra Wilson - Seat filler? No, just another one of those anonymous "Grey's" gals. Can they please wear nametags?!

Cheryl Hines - She needs to Curb Her Enthusiasm for the bedazzler.

Gillian Anderson - We can finally take her picture off the milk cartons. She's surfaced -- although pregnant and wearing a graduation gown. Maybe the truth IS out there.

Geena Davis - It's like staring into Jen Garner's face after 20 years of botched botox.

Harrison Ford - He needs 20 years of botched botox!

Kyra Sedgwick - Even Amtrak doesn’t have a train as long as hers.

Lisa Kudrow - She should have won for "The Comeback." Pure Genius. Rent it and see for yourselves.

Sandra Oh - The role of Mr.T will now be played by Sandra.

Vanessa Minnillo - Ladies and gentlemen representing Flushing, it's Miss Queens 2006.

Portia di Rossi - I see a guest spot on the "L-Word" in her future. If Ellen will let her.

Denis Leary (and his wife) - I swore it was new lesbian super couple Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Barkin. Strange.

2006 MTV Movie Awards

2006-06-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

2006 MTV Movie Awards

Anyone who gets bored during the Oscars' overlong ceremony should take heed in the fact that not even MTV, the kings of ADD viewing, can produce a (taped) award show and edit any life into two hours. Just be happy you weren't in the audience for the actual (more than two-hour) ceremony.

If you didn't catch them the first time around, don’t worry I'm sure MTV is airing them on a constant loop.

As always, to be added to the distribution email me at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

So without further adieu, here is my unmitigated and uncensored rundown of Thursday night's MTV Movie Awards.

Enjoy!

Jessica Alba - BEAUTIFUL. EXQUISITE. FLAWLESS. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything bad, well, except maybe 'Fantastic Four.'

Brandon Routh – Hanging on to his ‘girlfriend’ Courtney for dear life at arrivals. At a time when celebs with legit significant others won’t show up together, isn’t it queer that he had her present at every red carpet interview. Oh Superman we all know the va-jay-jay is your kryptonite.

Kate Bosworth – presenting with her not-so ambiguously gay duo (Routh and Spacey). Thank god she went back to blonde. Her brunette Lois Lane wig makes her look worse than when original Lois, Margot Kidder, surfaced dazed, confused and toothless in a Glendale, CA backyard in ’96.

Kevin Spacey – I understand why he won’t officially come out –he just doesn't want to jeopardize the box-office on all those hit romantic comedies he’s always cast in.

Christian Bale – He insulted Superman and Joel Schumacher but then went on and on thanking other peeps in his endless acceptance speech. It was as if he was dying and this would be his last chance to say his peace. Note to Bale: it's an MTV Movie Award not an Oscar. It's not even a People's Choice Award! With all the talk of his gaining and losing weight for roles, the most shocking thing was realizing that he still has a British accent.

Amanda Bynes - Or is it lil' Jen Aniston? Only thing is Aniston wishes she had as many hit films as Bynes.

Anna Faris – Or is it old Ashlee Simpson. Poor Anna, she blew all the buzz she got for her role in ‘Lost in Translation’ to become the Steve Guttenberg of 'Scary Movie'. You know what was a really ‘Scary Movie’ – Anna in them bad shorts!

Isla Fisher – After crowning herself the patron saint of bipolar nymphomaniacs in her acceptance speech, expect Isla to receive a rebuttal from Anna Nicole and Tara Reid very shortly.

Colin Farrell – He’s gone to rehab for substance abuse issues, but after Alexander, New World, Ask the Dust, Recruit, Daredevil, and Phone Booth, he needs someone to rehabilitate his sorry ass box-office track record. Good thing he sho iz purrrty.

Jamie Foxx – I blame Ray Charles and Kanye for his incessant need to sing or rap anytime he gets within 3 feet of a microphone. Bring back the funnyman Foxx. On second thought, don’t.

Eva Mendes – GORGEOUS. The question is can the world handle two hot Latinas named Eva? I also just want to say thank you to her and Timberlake. I didn’t think there were any ‘Brokeback’ jokes left to be made, especially since we all know what a riot homosexual love is.

Justin Timberlake – Escaping from Cameron Diaz’s bunker looking as yummy as ever. But I still demand reparations for his hand in the whole SuperBowl/Nipplegate scandal for which he emerged unscathed. And to think, had he and Brits stayed together he would have saved us from ever having to utter the word Federline.

Jake Gyllenhaal - Just as I was beginning to detox from The Gyllenhaal, he and his puppy dog eyes go and make a cool acceptance speech acknowledging how great it is that MTV viewers choose 'Brokeback' for Best Kiss. Sigh!! Now how do we get TRL viewers into Congress?

Jimmy Fallon - His hopes of a Mike Myers-esque film career is looking more and more like Kevin Nealon's TV career. Perhaps its time Jimmy started schmoozing Lorne Michaels again - which would require going over Andy Samberg's dead body.

Chris Daughtry - (singing in the Da Vinci Code parody) - Remember him? He proves that unless you win (or look like Kat McPhee), 'Idol' contestants have the shelf life equivalent of Trader Joe's bread.

Borat aka Sasha Baron Cohen aka Ali G - The long lost immigrant brother of Cosmo Kramer.

Gnarls Barkley - With all the Katie Couric exit mania I completely didn't notice that Al Roker started a band. Now that's 'CRAZY!'

Matt Dillon - Like a fine wine and Madonna, he gets better with age!

Kate Hudson - Reduced to wearing Mariah Carey's hand me downs. Who are her stylists? TheBangar Sisters?

Owen Wilson - In the event that Ellen DeGeneres cannot fulfill her TV hosting duties, Owen Wilson will become America's favorite lesbian talk show host. Sorry Rosie. (and Oprah).

Hayden Christiensen - I see he didn't get the Brandon Routh arrival rules memo.

Famke Janssen - She looked hot and not like her typical EX-MAN self. Somehow she pulled off that dress despite it being from the Boca Raton Cruise Collection.

Rebecca Romijn- With the cancellation of 'Pepper Dennis' you can officially lay the term 'star of the WB' next to the Concorde, the Betamax and Clear Pepsi. The question is, how long before she's hosting a modeling reality show?

Adam Sandler - I understand why he plays retarded in movies, now why do you do it in real life and go to his movies - 'Wedding Singer' not included.

Kate Beckinsale - Van Helsing, Underworld, Underworld 2, Pearl Harbor, Brokedown Palace. Poor Katie just can't seem to 'Click'.

Christina Aguilera - Mariah's comeback torch has been passed. Hey Britney, did you know that in the 80s everyone thought Cyndi Lauper was going to be the one with the long career and Madonna was the flash in the pan. History is repeating itself, although, this time the one with the better voice wins. Xtina proves that, next to Britney, all you have to do to be considered classy is wear shoes.

Will Ferrell - Lo siento 'Talladega Nights' but I'm gay and if Nicole Kidman couldn't get me to see one of Ferrell's movies, nothing will.

John C. Reilly - John, save yourself and run, don't walk back to the nearest indie-film.

Steve Carell - The anti-Ferrell. His movies I will see. Oh wait, that's cause they're funny.

LL Cool J - I can tell you one thing, not only the Ladies Love Cool J.

Spike Lee - Or was it The Count from Sesame Street?

Keanu Reeves - After years of defying space, time and acting coaches everywhere, it seems that Keanu is finally aging and at record 'Speed'.

Sandra Bullock - Returning from her Oscar snub in 'Crash', Sandy Buttocks is back to her old romantic comedy ways. Now I know 'The Lake House' isn't an intentional comedy but c'mon! A movie about a mystical mailbox - that's funny. Now, if only Will Ferrell was in it we'd be in business. If you ask me her dress was more appropriate for a ritualistic virginal sacrifice than for attending an insignificant award show.

Vince Vaughn (via satellite) - While 'The Break-Up' debuted at #1, it's no Shiloh Nouvel but I guess it'll just have to do. I hope Vince realizes that there's no way in hell Jen is ever going to let him make a romantic comedy again (unless she's in it too). Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure she learned her lesson the last time one of her significant others (who shall remain nameless) co-starred with a hot actress (who shall also remain nameless.)

Jessica Simpson - Was that her dress or a wall covering from Chi Chi's? There's a lot of pressure on Jess because if Nick Lachey's album can debut at the top of the charts then hers better cure cancer or something. First she played Daisy Duke and now she's taking over the role of Pam Ewing in the Dallas movie. With a Puerto Rican Sue Ellen already cast and now a blonde stepping into Victoria Principal's Eurasian shoes, it makes perfect sense then if they cast Dakota Fanning as Miss Ellie.

Dane Cook - What's the quickest way to lose all of your indie cred/cult status? Co-star in a movie with Jessica Simpson. Future graduate of the Jim Carrey School for Over the Top Award Show Performances.

AFI - Lace gloves, a black bi-level bob and eye makeup that rivals Cleopatra. If it wasn't for the lead singer's tatted up arms I swear I was watching footage from Minnelli's 'Liza with a Z.' Can we please put an end to all these poser Marilyn Manson-lite/80s goth wannabes?! That's right I'm talking to you Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)!

Suchin Pak - The MTV VJ sports burgundy chunks in her hair, which is the female equivalent of Carson Daly's 'Hey I'm 30 but am still cool cause I wear black nail polish' mantra.

Rhianna - or was it BeYOUNGce'?

Rosario Dawson - presenting Most Frightened Performance, which she should have won for 'Rent'.

Jennifer Carpenter - the winner of Most Frightened Performance for 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose.' I think it's awesome that she was able to get her shift covered to come to the show.

Jim Carrey - Looks like someone has the same hair stylist as Clay Aiken.

Zach Braff - presenting the award for Best Student Filmmaker. The winner now has his choice of working on such stellar MTV cinematic gems as Tiara Girls, 8th and Ocean or My Super Sweet 16.

Samuel L. Jackson - So does Jackson still buys his kangol caps or do they just ship him free ones constantly? Expectations are high, but 'Snakes on a Plane' better be 'Showgirls' good.

FIN

To be added to the distribution list email me at lopeyj@yahoo.com

WAR OF THE WOMBS!

2006-04-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

L.RON HUBBARD LOVES YOUR AFTER-BIRTH!

Brooke Shields emerged victorious today in the latest round in the Cruise-Shields Hollywood death match. Brooke gave birth to daughter, Grier Hammond, just hours before Tom Cruise’s opposite-sex lover, Katie Holmes, spawned her own baby thetan, Suri.

Last year Brooke and Tom showed no ‘Endless Love’ for each other when they traded barbs in the media over Shields’ use of psychiatric drugs after the birth of her first child. As the baby hype begins to settle, here’s hoping fans of both stars avoid any post-partum depression of their own.

THE 48 YEAR-OLD VAGINA

2006-04-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

BASIC INSTINCT 2

Tackier than "Glitter" but not as horrendously gorgeous as "Showgirls", "Basic Instinct 2", now set in England, still delivers more bloody camp than an ax wielding Jason.

Where "Basic Instinct" was a fun ride, the sequel is an out of control laugh riot. But fear not you purists, every over-the-top moment you enjoyed about the original has been re-done, re-worked and re-engineered into the sequel, much like Sharon Stone herself. Interrogation scene. Check. Car chase. Check. Techno club scene. Check. Ambiguous lesbian relationship. Check. In fact the only thing you won't see again are Sharon's vadge and Michael Douglas' ass. Maybe God does work in mysterious ways. The ice pick is back too, but just for a cameo. Sadly it could have been put to better use to chip away a facial expression on Miss Sharon's botox riddled STONE face!

Featuring classic lines like: "Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming" and approximately 77 references to making Sharon's character Catherine Tramell come, the BI2 screenplay has more in common with Mad Libs than anything WGA registered. So regardless what Rob Schneider and "The Benchwarmers" say, run, don't walk (because it won't be in theaters much longer) to see the real # 1 comedy in America, "Basic Instinct 2".

P.S. Note to Charlotte Rampling: FIRE YOUR AGENT!

A night at ILLUSIONS

2006-04-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ladies with an attitude, fellas that were in the mood.

Trannies are hot right now. From Felicity Huffman's award winning turn in TransAmerica, to LOGO's documentary series Transgeneration to the popularity of stars like Janice Dickinson and Nicollette Sheridan, transgenders are the new Hispanics.

Now I love a fabulous drag queen-who doesn't? But I have to admit, unlike Eddie Murphy, I haven't been exposed to many real live pre or post-op transsexuals in my life.
Recently this all changed when my friend, Greg, and I decided to do something different and check out the local trannie night, Illusions, at Club 7969 in West Hollywood.

We paid our $10 cover and fastened our tool belts. A lip sync show was going on stage. Miss Viva was celebrating her 13th birthday-- since becoming a woman. A birthday cake was brought out as Chardonnay serenaded her with Miss Celie's Blues from "The Color Purple". I scanned the room and saw many who could pass for Whoopi Goldberg.

The bar was packed. It looked as if everyone from your local DMV had decided to audition for La Cage Aux Folles. I ordered two Coronas and was immediately groped by the patron saint of Easter Island. I guess in an ambiguous environment like this being forward is how you differentiate the men from the, eh, boys.

I recognized one of the "girls" from my days working at Hollywood Center Studios, which is located at Highland and Santa Monica Blvd a k a trannie hooker ground zero. She was a Trans-AM. A trans-AM is what I call the few man-ladies of the night that were still up and walking the streets in the morning as I pulled into the lot everyday. The club was filled with them. I nonchalantly moved my wallet to my front pocket.

Once the performances ended, everyone took to the dance floor. This is when the show really started. These gals were working it out, dancing on the pole, exposing themselves, emptying water bottles on their flame-retardant breasts. They did anything and everything to get attention. I sat dumbfounded and in awe. It was strange to see women acting so sexually aggressive in such a public setting. Then I remembered that a) they were (and some still are) originally men and b) a good percentage of them were prostitutes. You could tell which ones were not selling their wares. They were the ones not making passes but just trying to pass. They looked more like Pam Dawber than Pam Anderson. They weren't trying to be Beyonce, just themselves.

The most shocking moment of the night had nothing to do with the trannies. It was the men who loved them. They looked like your Uncle Joe in Ohio or the Adelphia cable guy. Some were even hot. One looked like Jesse Metcalfe but hairier. He was all over this one trannie that looked more plastic than anything Mattel ever put out. I didn't get him. He could have any woman or man he desired, but he wanted more, or was it less, than either could offer. I had tons of questions. Did he like pre or post-op? Was he gay or straight? Seriously repressed or just more evolved? I would never get the answers.

These were just regular guys with regular jobs that went back to their regular homes in Van Nuys or Torrance after a night of chasing anatomically correct and incorrect Barbies in West Hollywood. I don't know what I thought these men would look like. I guess it was my own trans-phobia that just assumed they would look weird. They didn't.

Before we knew it they announced last call. Greg and I decided to leave before the sidewalk sale began. On the way home we stopped at Burger King. As I sat in the parking lot eating my Whopper and listening to the radio, I never felt so normal.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

2006-03-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you
placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the
Constitution. You didn't place your hand on the
Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

-Jamie Raskin,Law Professor at American University,
testifying Wednesday, March 1, 2006 before the
Maryland Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee in
response to a question from Republican Senator Nancy
Jacobs about whether marriage discrimination against
gay people is required by "God's Law."

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN!

2006-03-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

Hell hath no fury like an Oscar nomination scorned! Annie Proulx gets Jack Nasty on the Academy, CRASH and Scientology. LOVE IT!

BLACK.WHITE. and grey all over!

2006-03-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

The new FX series Black.White. chronicles what happens when a white and black family switch races through the magic of Hollywood hair and makeup. The white family appears somewhat passable as black. The black family on the other hand looks about as believable as Tyra Banks did in the fat suit. What I want to know is who are these people in Los Angeles interacting with the newly white family and not calling them out on their ridiculous get ups. We can put a man on the moon but we still can't make a realistic looking wig?!
If you always wondered what the world would have looked like if Michael Jackson and Macauly Culkin had been able to procreate then tune in to FX Wednesdays at 10pm.

If it ain't BROKEBACK, don't fix it!

2006-03-08T18:42:00.000-08:00

As you can tell from the recap, I was upset that CRASH hijacked the Best Picture Oscar from BROKEBACK. While there is no question that gay men live and love in Wyoming, I found CRASH full of coincidences that in the end made the film completely unrealistic.

Anyone who believes that a white cop in present day Los Angeles would ever pick up a black teen hitchhiker for truly altruistic reasons probably also believes Eddie Murphy was just helping out his fellow MAN when he picked up pre-op transsexual prostitute Shalomar (aka Atisone Kenneth Seiuli) on Santa Monica Boulevard at 4am in 1997. Wait a minute. I think I just came across the best idea ever for a combined sequel (with bits of TransAmerica and Pretty Woman thrown in for good measure) BROKEBACK CRASH 2: THE EDDIE MURPHY STORY.
I think RuPaul's Oscar dreams are slowly being realized.

2006 OSCARS

2006-03-06T17:47:00.000-08:00

It was an historic Academy Awards. The host was funny, a rap group performed (and won) and with nominees “Capote”, “Transamerica”, “Brokeback Mountain” and Dolly Parton, the world watched the biggest gay bash since…well, last year’s show.

While it was a year of “important” films dealing with themes like homosexuality, racism and censorship, it was also a year of record lows as far as attendance and box office. In the end, racism beat out homophobia as the gay boys lost out to a ~~mediocre~~ serious film helmed by the Scientologistas. I think I can see Katie Holmes smiling.

As expected the fashion was pretty safe with no one willing to take a risk for fear of being ridiculed by every TV show, magazine, email or blog.

Before I start the recap, I know some of you have asked to receive the email quicker. I apologize for the delay (especially to you East Coasters) and as soon as I start getting paid for doing this THEN we can discuss deadlines. Hey, It’s hard out here for a temp!

As always feel free to send me your feedback and let me know if you would like to be added to the distribution list.

Ciao,

Johnny Lopez

lopeyj@yahoo.com

www.thejohnnylopez.blogspot.com

Nicole Kidman – move over Nomi Malone because Nicole Kidman is GODDESS! Nicole always looks amazing- - when the batteries are included. Hey Portia and Ellen, Nicole and Keith Urban are the new hot power lesbian couple. His chunk stripes don’t lie. Has she learned nothing from Tom?

George Clooney – Do you think when he and Nicole made “The Peacemaker” they ever imagined someday they’d BOTH be Oscar winners? So charming, handsome and talented, and always knows the right thing to say (see acceptance speech). I just can’t figure out why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. Oh yeah, I almost forgot.

Bryan Lourd – In case you don’t know who he is: CAA uber-Agent, the ex-Mr. Carrie Fisher, current gay American and Clooney’s bald “date” to the Oscars and the Independent Spirit Awards. I just hope another dead gay Republican doesn’t turn up in Carrie’s bed like last year. (google R. Gregory Stevens if you know not of what I speak) I just don’t think he’d be able to put a kibosh on the story two years running. But maybe I’m wrong. We’ll just have to check the day’s headlines and see.

Tom Hanks – Instead of worrying about acceptance speech length, he should be more concerned with his chemically straightened hair length. I most have skipped “The Da Vinci Code” chapter on blowouts. It’s almost as disturbing as The Lenny Kravitz flatiron debacle of ’04. Almost.

Ben Stiller – Starring in JOKE FAILURE. Yet it was still funnier than “Mystery Men”, “Meet the Parents”, “Duplex” and “Envy” combined. If only he HAD disappeared as this visual effects bit falsely promised. His green bodysuit was second only to Helena Bonham Carter for worst outfit of the night.

Catherine Keener – Text messaging and chatting up friends across the Kodak Theater aisle-- and you thought you were bored at home?! Poor Dermot Mulroney, every trophy wife knows you never breakup with your overly-employed spouse prior to the Oscar noms.

Naomi WHAT! – I think it is safe to say she has mastered the washed out look. Shouldn’t style tips come with being best friends with La Kidman? This isn’t the way to make your Oscar nominated ex-boyfriend and his nominated common-law wife jealous.

Dolly Parton – Hello Dolly! How can you not love her? Strangely, she looked older (but more human) in 1980’s “9 to 5”. At this rate, in ten years she’ll either look like Dakota Fanning or a Mesozoic Era Joan Rivers.

Luke and Owen Wilson – piggybacking on Jon Stewart’s “talent” Baldwin Brothers joke, the Wilsons should take heed and remember that, a long, long, long time ago (in the early 90s) the Baldwin Brothers were also once considered hunks.

Jennifer Aniston – America can rest assured knowing that their little battered fawn princess in silk charmeuse is alive and well. Instead of sulking over Hurricane Brangelina she should be thanking Brad for raising her to A-list status. Otherwise, she’d be flipping property somewhere between Lisa Kudrow-ville and Courtney Cox-town. My only question is why, after12 years, two big screen flops, one divorce and 10,000 Zone meals later is she still sporting a modified RACHEL haircut. Have we seen that dress before—just shorter.

Will Ferrell and Steve Carell – Can you say “All About Eve?” The torch has been passed or should I say STOLEN. The 40 Year Old Virgin is Hollywood’s new It-man. But Steve, if your agent utters the words remake and Nicole Kidman, run for your life!

And Will, unless you look like Colin Farrell, you are only allowed so many flops (Bewitched, Kicking and Screaming, Melinda+Melinda, The Producers). Please proceed to pilot season immediately upon exiting the Kodak Theater.

Rachel McAdams – You know what was scarier than “Red Eye”, the fact that Rachel wouldn’t pose nude for Tom Ford’s Vanity Fair cover but hosted the Science and Technical Awards in that hideous yellow frock.

Morgan Freeman – His narration is so ubiquitous that I even hear the thoughts in my head in HIS voice.

Rachel Weisz – Gorgeous! Her black dress was so slimming I thought she had decided NOT to carry the baby to term. Please tell me her win ensures us there won’t be a Mummy 3. Or will it be her Stepford-Aeon-Catwoman Oscar follow-flop. Should she be flying across the country in her third trimester?

Lauren Bacall – We should exalt living Hollywood legends like Ms. Bacall and not force them to read tele-prompters that are 40 feet away! All that was missing was for her to quote Liz Taylor and yell “GLADIATOR”! How gorgeous was Lauren?! Showing pictures of her from the 40s, now was that to honor her or make her feel bad? This is how Joan Rivers’ face SHOULD look and not like it’s polyurethane self.

Terence Howard – The best he’s ever looked. The hair looked 100% better. Is he the long lost brother of America’s Next Top Model Eva Pigford?

Charlize Theron – At The Oil Baron’s Ball. Sporting one of those big bow ties from the animated feature winners—but in deep green. Kudos for doing something different. In the gilded age of uber-styling, this is the closest we are going to get to a Bjork dress or a Celine Dion backwards suit. Where are Demi Moore’s bike shorts when you need them! I can’t wait to find out what the final installment of her Oscar nominated White Trash Trilogy will be. Perhaps “The Tonya Harding Story” or maybe “Appalachia, 90210”.

Samuel L. Jackson – sans kangol: he is Yoda.

Jennifer Garner – Starring in “Look, I Almost Lost All the Baby Weight”. Hey, who let in the TELEVISON stars?! Figuratively and literally her last TRIP to the Oscars. This was her biggest misstep since ELEKTRA. She may want to consider moving “ALIAS” to that new WB/UPN hybrid network, The CW.

Jennifer Lopez – The original Bennifer. Her and Marc Anthony are the Puerto Rican Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. I can’t even wrap my head around that relationship. After last night, there is not a drop of bronzer left within a 100-mile radius of Los Angeles. Loved the dress and the color. Flawless entrance, but the makeup was by Will Ferrell.

Kathleen Bird York – (Singing “In the Deep”) The bastard lovechild of Marica Cross and Sarah McLachlan. From the looks of the performance and set, I wasn’t sure if that beautifully haunting song was from “Crash” or “Dawn of the Dead”. The zombie dancers were just plain creepy. Ever since the Great White incident, I think pyrotechnics just makes everyone nervous. To all the native New Yorkers—can you say Happyland?

Sandra Bullock – Can someone let her know her body stocking is poking up from under her dress. She said she no longer wants to make anymore of her signature romantic comedies. I need all of us to hold her to it. I mean it, no budging!

Keanu Reeves – or his Matrix replicant? Something is off because he is not aging. I can’t quite place it. Was it the brows or the frozen face? Despite the lack of acting chops and the two failed Matrix sequels I still love me some K. Keanu in “Speed” is better than porn.

Salma Hayek – and on the seventh day God created Salma. How do you say GORGE in Mexican? Real women have curves! You have to look like Salma in order to get away with saying “Oscar wiener” and “Bill Cunti” at the Academy Awards.

Gustavo Santaolalla –(won for Brokeback’s score)- Sean Astin is that you? Hispanic composer, Asian director, gay themes and hetero actors: and I thought “Crash” was the Benetton ad of a film! Now I hear they are making dance remixes of the score. Whose bright idea is that? Because being 35 at a club isn’t depressing enough!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He’s Clooney for the MySpace generation. I smell a romantic comedy in his future. OK, I know it’s getting to be a problem and I need to get help. When is the next Gyllenhaalics Anonymous meeting?

Jessica Alba – The patron saint of Production Assistants everywhere. Excluding “Fantastic Four”, I dare you to find a flaw. You know you’re really hot when you’re on a Playboy cover and don’t even have to show your cookies.

Eric Bana – Are he and Jennifer Connelly still receiving reparations from the Ang Lee Hulk Memorial Fund? “Hulk”, “Troy”, “Munich” and yet he still has not caught on. I smell a romantic comedy in his future. Paging Cameron Diaz.

Meryl Streep + Lily Tomlin –Lily in her black tie “Memoirs of a GAYsha” ensemble and Meryl taking a cue from Mariah with the Emancipation of Meryl’s cleavage. Her Dorothy Zbornak era of dresses is officially over. She really is in her PRIME. Now someone get these two crazy old broads off the stage.

Robert Altman – What, no mention of cinematic gems like “Pret-a-Porter” or “Dr. T & the Women?” I’ve always wanted someone to come out at the Oscars, and now I know I need to be more specific. But don’t get me wrong; I am very happy that the heart transplant recipient closet doors are finally being torn down, especially for all those lonely Red State teens!

M. Night Shyamalan – in that American Express commercial – When did he turn into Jai from Queer Eye for the Straight Girl?

Ludacris – I’m sure Luda loved it when Jon Stewart asserted that no one watching the telecast knew who Luda was. Dem is fightin’ words.

Three 6 Mafia – The biggest pimps to take the Oscar stage since Bob and Harvey Weinstein. Something ain’t right when even your Aunt Phyllis in Akron knows “It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp.”

Queen Latifah – If Charlize can win an Oscar for gaining weight to play a lesbian in the movies then Queen should get one for losing weight and being one in real life. Double standards!

IN MEMORIAM – no mention of last week’s trifecta of Don Knotts, Darren McGavin and Dennis Weaver. Where is the love?

Will Smith – You can keep working and coming to the Oscars if you promise NEVER to release another album.

Jada Pinkett Smith – The same goes for you Jada. How’s that metal band Wicked Wisdom working out for ya? When’s your next set at The Grove mall

Tsotsi – winner of Best Foreign Film – and contrary to popular belief it is not a South African remake starring Dustin Hoffman.

Ziyi Zhang – I’ll give A DOLLAR to whoever can pronounce her name CORRECTLY. Then I’ll give A DOLLAR to anyone who understood all the dialogue in “Geisha”.

Hilary Swank – The best she’s ever looked, despite her sagging breasts. The real test of her acting ability will be if she ever wins an Oscar for playing FEMININE. Then she’ll be able to ask her career and matrimonially challenged husband, Chad, for advice.

Philip Seymour Hoffman – Now that he’s won the Oscar, his next stop should be VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club. The mom portion of his speech was sweet but you know, Oscar aside, she is even more proud that he SHAVED for once.

John Travolta – He’s about to don drag to for a role in “Hairspray.” Talk about art imitating life. At least now if he ever needs a ride Eddie Murphy will be more than happy to help him out.

Jamie Foxx – You have an Oscar and a hit album, there’s no reason to still be buying your shirts at Chess King. Was his date his sister or an American Idol finalist?

Reese Witherspoon – Remember when Oscar winners cried when they won?

She’s got Oscar, Ryan, two kids and an alleged $29 million to make her next film—a horror movie. Has she learned nothing from Halle, Charlize and Nicole? No action, horror or remakes post-Oscar. Just say no! But that doesn’t mean we want a “Legally Blonde 3” either.

Ryan Phillippe – Speaking of sequels, his next role: “First Wives Club 2” co-starring Chad Lowe and Nick Lachey.

Dustin Hoffman – It’s been over 15 years, you can stop being “Rain Man” now.

Diana Ossana and Larry McMurty – (Brokeback writers) – They wuz robbed. Larry looks just STRAIGHT up crazy. Brokeback face.

Uma Thurman – FANTABULOUS. Showing Naomi Whats how to wear muted tones CORRECTLY. Hey Gwynie, Nicole, Renee, Charlize and Reese, is there room in your Pretty Blonde Oscar Winner club for one more? If so then Uma better gain weight, learn to fly or play an Eskimo to up her chances.

Paul Haggis – Now that he has ~~stolen~~ won the Oscar for Best Picture, watch as he tackles yet another controversial topic very near and dear to his heart (and purse strings): Scientologist-aphobia. Strangely enough, I don’t think casting or financing will be much of a problem.

Ang Lee – 500 awards show wins later and finally the GAYS are mentioned in an acceptance speech. I was beginning to think it was his ancient Chinese secret.

Jack Nicholson – arriving with his children and sitting next to his future child bride Keira Knightley. In the words of Alma Del Mar: “Jack Nasty!”

Tim Burton – There’s crazy and then there’s Tim Burton’s brand of loco. Styling by Johnny Depp. Hair by The Nick Nolte Mug Shot Academy.

Helena BOTTOM Carter – Accompanying Charlize to the Oil Baron’s Ball but as Fallon Carrington Colby—the Emma Samms years. She is literally Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride. But tread softly Helena because notice how Lisa Marie’s credits ended right around her breakup from Tim.

Sharon Stone – Reprising her role in “Casino” or the third and final guest at the Texas Oil Baron’s Ball (as Krystle Carrington). Hey who’s the crazy old lady showing her vadge in Basic Instinct 2?

Heath Ledger – I was never a fan of his and never understood the alleged sex appeal (sorry but he and his stringy hair looked gross in “10 Things I Hate About You”) but with each subsequent award show he gets more and more attractive. No sleep till Brooklyn! He and Michelle prove, once again, that the quickest way to gain acting cred in Hollywood is to move to New York. Cuz they ain’t giving out any acting awards at Kitson or Geisha House. You hear that Lindsay.

Michelle Williams – Tangerine dream! GLAMOUR personified. Red lips are the new black! Somewhere in Tom Cruise’s lair, Katie Holmes, (no longer smiling), is hooked up to an e-meter, fighting off body thetans, sobbing and wondering what the hell went wrong.

Joaquin Phoenix – If only Johnny Cash had been gay, then glory would have been all his!

Amy Adams – The real winner of this year’s Award season. I smell a romantic comedy in her future. Rent “Junebug", she really is that good!

Felicity Huffman – What the Academy was saying by not giving Flicka the award is: you are a TELEVISION ACTRESS and don’t you forget it. In this town racism and homosexuality aren’t taboos but inter-industry mixing can end your career. With award season and Felicity’s run over, we can all now go back to ignoring the plight of transsexuals forever.

Keira Knightley – What’s wrong with her? If doing the red carpet is such a pain then don’t do it. Too much makeup. Too much necklace. Too much dress. But not enough oral hygiene. Even Lestat had a better orthodontist.

Frances McDormand – She’s still dressing like she’s in those “North Country” mines.

Paul Giamatti – Is he an Italian Jew because I swear he was wearing a yamaka? Oh, no that’s just his bald spot.

Jennifer Jason Leigh – Remember her? Now why doesn’t her husband, Noah Baumbach (Squid and the Whale), write and direct her in a movie. Girl could use an award or two.

Lauren Hutton – the part of Sally Kirkland will now be played by Lauren Hutton. BIZARRE.

Jon Stewart – Bravo. The anti-Chris Rock. Thank God he pulled it off. Otherwise the Academy was going to go with the likes of Soupy Sales, Sid Caesar or the Smothers Brothers for next year’s show. The gay cowboy bit was GENIUS! Jon Stewart for President! Buy the t-shirt at: http://www.misswit.net/stewart.html

Gayle “drag” King – Again I ask: Donde esta Stedman, Oprah?

Joan Rivers – The best Joan moments were: confusing the Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors, for Brokeback scribe Larry McMurty and asking Clooney on his thoughts of taking home a little gold man and “I don’t mean Jackie Chan”. Classic Joanisms at their best.

Melissa Rivers – The appendix of the red carpet. Useless.

Isaac Mizrahi – Kathy Griffin makes one Dakota Fanning joke and is banished to the Siberian hinterlands of Hollywood. Isaac asks personal hygiene questions and gropes several actresses and is asked back. Apparently gay clowns win big at the Oscars but serious depictions of gays do not!

FIN

lopeyj@yahoo.com

www.thejohnnylopez.blogspot.com

2006 GRAMMY AWARDS

2006-02-10T01:43:00.000-08:00

2006 Grammys – 2/9/05

by Johnny Lopez

They need to rename this The Grammy Performance Show, because they barely give out any awards. There are 108 categories (not 500 like Joan Rivers proclaimed) and maybe 10 awards were actually televised.

Can someone please answer me this: Why are there still Latin music awards given out at the Grammys, isn’t that what the Latin Grammys are for?

Regardless, here are Six Lessons I learned from The 48^th Annual Awards:

1. Lifetime Achievement and Trustee Award recipients are only worth 60 seconds of airtime.

2. TV contest winners will be rewarded and praised to within an inch of their lives.

3. Country artists and nominees may come to the show—if they want.

4. Network brass is free to invite stars of their shows no matter how irrelevant it seems (stay tuned for the cast of “King of Queens” presenting Best Rap/Sung collaboration).

5. Madonna can do whatever she wants whenever she wants to whomever she wants, nomination not required.

6. If you didn’t recognize the plethora of identical looking rappers and skinny-tie clad rockers at the Staples Center, don’t fret. They will have the shelf life of a Lou Pearlman boy band.

On with the recap!

To be added to the distribution list, to send your comments, or to hire Johnny Lopez to write for your magazine, website or TV show please email Johnny Lopez at:

lopeyj@yahoo.com

Until the Oscars on March 5^th.

Ciao!

Johnny Lopez

PS—For those of you who were asking, my comments in US Weekly’s Fashion Police will now be seen every other week.

Gorillaz – The first time Madonna has dueted with cartoon characters since her VMA kiss with Britney + Christina.

Madonna – Cue ZZ Top cuz “she’s got Leggs and she knows how to use ‘em!” Channeling her inner Cyd Charise. Too bad her voice isn’t as flawless as her body. FYI-she didn’t lip synch the first portion, it was a video (notice the difference in her hair from the main performance). Say what you want about her vocal talents, but the English Rose is FORTY FUCKIN’ SEVEN YEARS OLD. How old are you?! Some say her hair is very Valerie Cherish (Lisa Kudrow “The Comeback”) or Farrah Fawcett. I say it’s more Lydia Cornell/Sara Rush in Too Close For Comfort—you know, the blonde daughter! I wonder what the Kaballah has to say about middle-aged mothers of two dancing around in their underwear. She’s the winner of best vadge of the night—no camel toe here boys and girls. Corset #1 of the evening. Guy Ritchie was nowhere in sight, looks like someone’s gonna be SORRY!

Alicia Keys – Someone’s been getting her style tips from watching The L-Word. See, there are women in real life that look like the characters on that show.

Stevie Wonder – The only person allowed to wear sunglasses inside of ANY award show. Ever. I’m talking to you Kanye, Bono and Jack Nicholson.

Kelly Clarkson – She’s the female Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Great American Success Story of the 21^st Century. From CONTEST WINNER to top of the charts to Grammy Winner. My fellow Americans, I give you the future first female US President! Or is she the music industry’s version of Christa McAliffe, watch for her Grammy Space Shuttle to explode any minute now! She changed out of her ugly black arrival dress (compliments of Bed, Bath and Beyond), into her ugly red performance dress and back again. Was that a pre-Idol video confessional or her application for Extreme Makeover? Since you been gone, Kelly Clarkson has morphed from a brunette, pudgy nose quasi-Asian looking chick to an industry backed bonafide rock star. Paula Abdul be damned!

Justin Guarini – No, he wasn’t there. But he’s doing well. I just saw Guarini in first class on my flight to NY---WORKING!

Nicole Kidman – I wasn’t aware that Cyborg Replicants could enjoy music. She’s the only thing less human than the Gorillaz.

Coldplay – Tonight the music of U2 will be played by Coldplay. I hear Chris Martin has unsafe sex with Gwyneth Paltrow. It may just be a rumor though, Lady Gwyneth wouldn’t do such things.

John Legend – He’s like Alicia Keys but with Grammys. No, that’s not right. Ok, he’s the masculine Alicia Keys. Let me try that again. Alright, he’s a female-loving Alicia Keys. Shoot. Uh…how ‘bout he plays the piano just like Alicia Keys. Ok, I think that works.

Sugarland – The technical difficulties and the one-minute length performance confirms that Country artists are the redheaded albino bastard children of the Recording Academy. The lead singer is the first soccer mom of Country of the night.

Alison Krauss – The second Country soccer mom of the night.

Keith Urban – His hair makes him look more like Keith SUB-Urban soccer mom #3. The biggest lie of the last 3 years isn’t about Weapons of Mass Destruction but that men think they can pull off highlights and a flatiron and still maintain any sort of dignity.

U2- Old men in leather can mean only one of 2 things: Fetish night at The Manhole or The Grammys! They win Album of the Year, among others, and thank their fellow nominees:

Kanye is praised. Paul McCartney is told he apparently discovered this country. C’mon Bono, he’s old, but not that old. Mariah has a voice of an angel. And Gwen Stefani gets complimented for her LOOKS! You can dress it up in fancy bows all you want but a dis is still a dis! Holla back, girl!

Bono – I know I have trouble finding sunglasses that look good on my face but this is ridiculous! Somebody needs to stop shopping in the Chem Lab section of Sunglass Hut. Anyone got a Bunsen Burner on them?

Larry Mullen Jr – He’s about as hot as Heather Graham’s TV career. Que paso?

Adam Clayton – Maybe he should have married Naomi Campbell when he had the chance.

The Edge –He is slowly emerging as the hot one in U2, by default.

Mary J. Blige – Her voice is a ONE and only. Nobody brings it like La Blige. That being said, Mary Mary, the Queen Victoria meets Julius Caesar hairdo has got to go. Corset #2 of the night, but this time it looked more like a saddle. Can her stylist stop the HATERATION!

David Bowie – Damn! His Lifetime achievement could have been called GONE in SIXTY SECONDS cuz that’s how long the Academy gave him. Expect to see a proper all-star tribute featuring the likes of The White Stripes, Martina McBride, NSYNC and DMX upon his DEATH.

Kanye West – The ego has landed. Everything from the gloves to the glasses to the attitude was completely over the top. By the way Kanye, Destiny Child’s Bug-a-Boo and Hollaback Girl beat you to the punch on that whole marching band thang!

Gwen Stefani + Gavin Rossdale – I give you the Ryan and Reese of music. Hold Gwen’s purse Gavin, that’s your JOB. Sadly the only music you’ll ever hear coming from Bush again will be the cries from Gwen’s. The most minimalist she’s ever looked. What did she do with the kitchen sink?

Paul McCartney – Nana is that you? What is it about aging rock stars that turns them into elderly women? Case in Point: McCartney, Manilow (who has the #1 album in the country this week), Steven Tyler and Rod Stewart.

I’m sure Sharon Tate’s family is just thrilled that he chose to sing Helter Skelter last night. “Free Manson” t-shirts available at grammy.com. Paul, Jay-Z and Linkin Park singing “Yesterday”on the same stage, somewhere in The Dakota Yoko Ono is dialing her lawyer and cursing in Japanglish.

Jennifer Love Hewitt – lost amongst the sea of Black Eyed Peas! Here’s a “whisper” for J.Love to hear: she recorded three albums and the only way she can get a seat at the Grammys is to have a series on the network airing the awards. And what happened to her Audrey Hepburn look she’s been rockin’ for 5 years? Last night she was Kate Jackson in a Cher wig.

Black Eyed PLEASE – With band members named will.i.am, Fergie, Taboo and apl.de.ap, Black Eyed PLEASE, Don’t Phunk with my NERVES!

Fergie – Trannie BROWS. I heard her speak on the green carpet and there was no trace of her faux-Puerto Rican accent. No No No No Don’t Lie! Almost unrecognizable without an exposed vagina.

Will.i.am – The Recording Academy was like “you can perform during the Sly Stone tribute but the whore and the 2 clowns cannot!”

Ellen DeGeneres – the second most powerful lesbian in the audience—next to Paul McCartney.

Mariah Carey – The comeback hits a bump in the road. 3 out of 8 Grammy wins (of which none were televised) and loses the opening performance slot to NON-nominee Madonna. She better just ‘Shake it off’. The performance was a snore. A choir does not an interesting performance make. I wanted her to rip the bottom of her dress, reveal one of her trademark hoochie frocks and gives us an up-tempo number. Instead we got some of her classic signature octave exercises, Rapunzel hair and the de rigueur Tourette’s-of-the-hand fluttering. If it’s any consolation they started playing “We Belong Together” after U2 won for Song of the Year. Oops!

Teri Hatcher – Desperate CRACKHEAD. If you haven’t seen Teri’s exchange with Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet then track it down. COKED OUT OF HER MIND at 4pm Pacific Time. She was doing her best Janice Dickinson impersonation. The only thing worse than a gown and an exposed tattoo--exposed underwear. Talk about Trashy lingerie. It was SHEER terror!

Michael Buble – He didn’t win a Grammy or get to perform, but he presented with Hatcher so I’m betting he at least got a hand job.

Bonnie Raitt – Looked non-pulsed by Kelly Clarkson’s shout out. Presenting with James Taylor they were the grannies of The Grammys.

Jenna Elfman – The Return—for now. Scientology forces you to marry gay men and give up your free will but on the plus side her sitcom “Courting Alex” is a hit. Oh look, I think I see Heather Graham entering the Scientology Celebrity Centre as we speak.

Faith Hill – more like Faith over-the-Hill. What happened to glamorous, Versace clad Y2K Faith? Behold the fourth Country soccer mom of the night.

Joss Stone – Towering 3 feet above everyone on the red carpet, she was like one of the talking trees in Lord of the Rings—except a little hairier. No one bought her sophomore album but everyone wants her to perform with them--barefoot. Sorry Grammy Academy but that don’t pay Joss’ rent or her pedicure bills!

Fantasia – It’s Daffy Duck in a “Skating with the Celebrities” ensemble. Settle down girl, you won the competition already, you don’t have to try so hard.

Devon Lima – (performing with Fantasia) Remember him from the boy band LFO? Neither did anyone else.

Adam Levine (Maroon 5) - 98 Degrees + Jessica Simpson + Maroon 5 = Herpes Simplex 1, 2 and 3.

Ciara – I have one thing to say, sashay shante, shante, shante, shante! GORGE! Why has she been hiding under all those bad weaves and hair colors? With the help of one Mariah whore dress she put the hermaphrodite rumors to rest and let us all see her ‘Goodies’.

Steven Tyler and Joe Perry –aka IN MEMORIAM personified. Are they from Aerosmith or The Pirates of the Caribbean? Is Steven Tyler going for the anorexic Carly Simon look or is baboon chic the newest trend to emerge from Olympus fashion week?

Sly Stone – the demon spawn of Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav.

Tom Hanks – or Bono sans colored goggles? Hasn’t “DaVinci Code” wrapped yet? Can’t he get rid of his straightened blow out now?

Rita Wilson – The only thing more useless than Rita Wilson at the Oscars—Rita Wilson at The Grammys.

Bruce Springsteen – Instead of becoming an elderly woman this aging rocker has become Bob Dylan. His was one of the lone political comments of the night. What happened Kanye? Condolezza got your tongue?

Destiny’s Child – in HAIR WARS. After 4 months they were finally reunited. Phew!

Beyonce – Fighting Temptations, Goldmember, and now Pink Panther. Looks like someone is giving Madonna a run for her money in the Singer-turned-Actress Crapfest Film Festival. At least Mariah and Britney took heed and stopped.

Kelly Rowland – Maybe it’s time she called the 3 girls that were fired from Destiny’s Child over the years and started a new band called Destiny’s Step-Childrens. I’m sure Latanya, Latavia and Farrah can get their shift at Red Lobster covered.

Michelle Williams – Whitney is that you? Who needs Destiny’s Child when you get an Oscar nom for playing a white woman whose husband is on the down low in Brokeback Mountain! Say my name, say my name!

Jamie Foxx – No I’m not playing. I swear it’s true. I saw Jamie Foxx at the Staples Center dressed like he was in a marching band. For reals! I’m not lying.

Fellow graduate of the Queen Latifah School of Going Ghetto for Music Awards but Serious for Film Awards. By the way, how was that TV special of yours that NBC did NO promotion for???

Sheryl Crow – Since her breakup from Lance Armstrong, the only thing more depressed than Sheryl—her breasts/cleavage. Someone should design a rubber bracelet for that charity!

Sting – Just like “Sex and the City” reruns, he doesn’t get old! He needs to teach a Learning Annex class to McCartney, Aerosmith, Rolling Stones et al about his secret.

Rolling Stones – They weren’t there but let’s just talk about that Super Bowl half-time show. If CBS is going to censor anything from that performance it shouldn’t be lyrics. It’s alot easier to explain Janet Jackson’s exposed breast to a child than the sight of a sixty-something year old man in a half-shirt and hip huggers. Oy Gevalt!

Terence Howard – Can he please stop?! When I opened my fridge this morning he was in there too! He presented one of the 457 Lifetime Achievement awards to opera singer Jessye Norman, but I swear it was Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo”!

Christina Aguilera – She makes it look so easy. Veronica Lake meets Dick Tracey’s Breathless Mahoney with a touch of RuPaul thrown in because she just doesn’t know any better. It may have been the best she’s ever looked but why does she have to pile on all that drag makeup? Where’s Jessica Alba’s makeup artist when you need him! Less is more. Tonight she was all classy and demure singing a ballad, but wait till the VMAs when her new album drops and she’s dancing around bottomless in a vat of Crisco. Dirrrty!

Herbie Hancock – 10 time Grammy Winner and you thought “Rock It’ was a one-hit wonder. Shame on you!

Lea Ann Womack – the 5^th Country soccer mom of the night.

Garth Brooks – From superstar to post script in 5 years. Maybe it’s time to bring his alter ego Chris Gaines back out.

Trisha Yearwood – The 6^th Country soccer mom of the night.

Fiona Apple – The return of crazy eyes! She looks like LeeLee Sobieski but PRETTY. Besides insanity and fighting with her label, the real reason why it took 6 years for her THIRD album to come out was due to naming her SECOND album: “When The Pawn Hits The Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws The Blows When He Goes To The Fight And He'll Win The Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters The Ring There's No Body To Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.” How do you like them Apples!

Queen Latifah – The corset trend is officially OVER and the fat lady is singing!

Dave Grohl – Proving you don’t lose any indie-cred by dressing up at award shows. Can someone please tell me where I can get the acoustic version of “Everlong”? Quite possibly one of the best songs ever!

Sally Kirkland – and I thought she just haunted the Oscars every year. I didn’t know her reign of terror had jurisdiction over the music industry too. The next time any of you see her at Sav-On on LaCienega please proceed with caution.

Melissa Rivers – Aren’t there laws against horses wearing zebra print?

Joan Rivers – On that red carpet talking to random rappers and rockers she looked about as comfortable as Jennifer Aniston at the “Mr. + Mrs. Smith” premiere.

Namaste!

lopeyj@yahoo.com

2006-01-30T20:32:00.000-08:00

2006 SAG Awards – 1/30/05
By Johnny Lopez

With all the A-list stars at the SAGs, it’s weird that a bigger network doesn’t air these awards. Instead it’s relegated to the bowels of your cable guide on TNT and TBS. Who knew they were two separate networks anyway?

Anyways, with CRASH being the big upset over BROKEBACK it looks like racism trumps homophobia in the Guild’s eyes. Well, that and the fact that the CRASH cast consisted of a quarter of the Guild.

Until the Grammy’s on Feb 8th!

Ciao!
Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Randy Quaid – His brother Dennis made the infamous ‘Dick Flicks’ comment at the Globes re: Randy’s film “Brokeback Mountain”. It wasn’t very funny but it was still funnier than anything in Dennis’ last film “Yours, Mine and Ours”. After that film and Flight of the Phoenix, The Alamo, The Day After Tomorrow and Cold Creek Manor, Dennis’s recent body of work can be re-christened as Shit Flicks!

S. Epatha Merkerson – Is it me or has she been nominated for “Lackawanna Blues” for like THREE YEARS NOW? Giving a shout out to her divorce lawyer made her speech the highlight of the night. Like C. Thomas Howell and CCH Pounder before her, having a unique initialized first name does not bode well for her fame factor.

James Denton – Looks like his lady is about to become a Desperate Housewife because it won’t be long before Jimmy ditches his mid-west wife for the likes of an Olsen Twin or a “Laguna Beach” whore. We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup.

Anne Hathaway – Hey Goth girl, Which way to the Marilyn Manson concert? Ileana Douglas should be NO ONE’s style icon. “Brokeback” has wrapped, no need to continue with Lurene’s hair and makeup artist. Repeat after me: fresh, subtle, and less is more.

Patricia Heaton – Attention Ms. Heaton: Please be sure to leave your SAG card at the door. You won’t be needing it anymore!

Ray Romano, Brad Garrett, Doris Roberts, Peter Boyle – Go Away. This is just cruel and unusual punishment. In the words of that wise, old sage Heidi Klum “Auf wiedersehen”.

Thandie Newton – “Beloved”. “Truth About Charlie.” “Chronicles of Riddick.” Someone’s career was headed for a CRASH alright! It’s ok Thandie, you can eat. We won’t tell anyone. I christen thee ‘The Lovely Bones” of this award show.

Sandra Bullock – I know I’ve been slacking in reading PAGE SIX everyday lately, but did I miss something? Was that a maternity dress? Is she pregs?

Eva Longoria – I don’t know who is tinier, her or Dakota Fanning? Props for reviving the ancient tradition of doing arrivals with your LOVER, tabloids covers be damned! How creepy was seeing her sitting on Marcia’s lap?? DEMENTED Housewives.

Tony Parker – Eva’s boyfriend- I bet when they have sex it’s like trying to fit a circle into a square. If you know what I’m saying. One hot couple.

The Desperate Houswives – STOP! We’re on to your ruse ladies. Sitting on laps, wearing matching dresses, hugging at arrivals and holding hands on stage. We get it! You guys really, really, really do get along. PLEASE! You gals aren’t THAT great actresses. Are you girls sure you want the tabloid stories to stop? Be careful what you wish for you just might get it.

Sean Hayes – A surprise win. As much as the show has lost its luster, it will be sad to see “Will+Grace” end in May. On another note, did you all know that National Coming Out Day is October 11th?

Sandra Oh – She looked great—for her! Dress by Dr. Seuss. Ellen Pompeo’s Public Enemy #1. She seems like someone that would be fun to split a pitcher of beer with and just laugh.

Ted Danson – When did he become Max Headroom? And does anyone know if CBS has cancelled “Becker” yet? If so, please let CBS know.

Felicity Huffman – She won Best Actress in a Comedy series. The only problem is that I don’t think nominees Boston Legal, Everybody Loves Raymond and Desperate Housewives are really comedies!

Terence Howard – some say sexy. I say creepy. If he held up a Colt 45 I swear I was watching a Billy Dee Williams commercial circa 1979.

Michelle Rodriguez – The only person envious of Lindsay Lohan’s driving record. Her rap sheet is longer than her IMDB credits. That being said, last night was the best she’s ever looked. Ever! Oh and by the way National Coming Out Day is October 11th.

Rachel Weisz – If she wins the Oscar then she’ll make The Mummy 3. Isn’t it an Academy rule that every Oscar-winning actress follows her win with an action film?

William Shatner – VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club’s talent booker’s wet dream.

James Spader – Needs to stop hanging out with Shatner unless he wants to start shopping at Rochester Big and Tall.

Patricia Arquette – In just 10 years she went from young and fresh in “True Romance” to old and haggard in “Medium”. Too bad she couldn’t see those visions.

Marg Helgenberger – She’s gained a few ounces so she looks healthier. Even though her husband is the President of the Screen Actors Guild, it’s all the botox in her frozen face that won’t let her SAG! Dakota Fanning has more wrinkles.

Christopher Meloni – Where do you sign up to see his Special Victim’s Unit?

Jeremy Piven and Ellen Pompeo – presenting together because he stole the show from his lead co-star and her show was stolen by her supporting co-star. Don’t worry Ellen, you can still control your body weight.

Dakota Fanning – Only a few more years until she enters puberty and her silver screen reign of terror comes to a screeching halt. Haley Joel will be waiting. Also, does anyone know if Kitson carries her size or if Koi has a tween night?

Shirley Temple Black – Before Dakota, Drew even Britney there was Shirley. How creepy/twisted were some of those early clips of baby Shirley dressed as 30s actresses like Mae West? Makes you wonder what the Good Ship Lollipop really was??? The original JON BENET.

Jamie Lee Curtis – Where’s her TRANSAMERICA award? She stumbled on stage because she tripped on her PENIS! Salt-n-pepper hair on George Clooney = hot. Salt-n-pepper on Jamie—not so much.

Catherine Keener – Love her. Part of the ‘amazingly talented, completely underrated Over 40’ actresses along with Patty Clarkson and Hope Davis. But why is she divorcing a hottie like Dermot Mulroney??

Philip Seymour Hoffman – He won for Capote and was previously nominated for “Flawless.” The Screen Actors Guild’s new motto is: Play a fag, get a SAG!

Russell Crowe – No he wasn’t there. But I need a second source. Can someone double check that it was in fact Russell in “Cinderella Man” and not Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman?

Paul Giamatti –He is the Upper West Side personified.

In Memoriam – Wow! Not a good year for media icons. I thought Tara Reid’s career was the biggest casualty of 2005. I didn’t realize Gilligan, Miss Ellie, Maxwell Smart, Tony the Tiger, the Jolly Green Giant, The Riddler, Mr. Miyagi and Mrs. Robinson all died last year. Is that why they forgot about Chris Penn?

Robin Wright Penn – Girl has the worst luck. Gets nominated and 3 days before the ceremony her brother-in-law dies. Well at least Sean didn’t have to attend another award show. Although I hear he may host the Iraqi Emmys.

David Strathairn – He’s great in “Good Night and Good Luck” but too bad he can’t live his life in black and white because there are more lines on his face than in a Kate Moss video.

Benjamin Bratt – After a few years in remission he returned to looking cute. I guess Julia’s hex has slowly worn off. Now can we work on a better title for his show “E-Ring”? Is it a military series or a contraceptive device?

Amy Adams – Stop what you are doing and go rent ‘Junebug”. You won’t be disappointed.

Angela Bassett – How Stella Got Her YOUTH Back. And she’s still got her “What’s Love Got To Do With It” arms. Black really don’t crack!

Paul Newman – He won and was suppose to give a speech via satellite but unfortunately there were technical difficulties hooking up his sarcophagus.

Heath Ledger – Heath Nasty! OK he just lost all of my support. Introducing “Brokeback” by laughing, with his arm on his hip and making a light of the whole situation is insulting. Thanks for bringing us all back to the school yard where 2 men in love and kissing is funny and a big joke. Thanks for “reminding” the country that gay’s main purpose are for entertainment and making things pretty and are not to be taken seriously. Strangely enough Heath, I have no problem quitting you. GO PHILIP!

Jake Gyllenhaal – Guilty by association. Granted he looked hot in his classic tux, big bowtie, puppy dog eyes and coiffed hair and scruff but that doesn’t get him off the hook. He went along with it. Just proves that whether on or off screen he’ll always be Heath’s bitch! Riddle me this kids: whose date was hotter his or George Clooney’s!

Michelle Williams – She needs to reprimand her baby daddy’s behavior. Attention Nicole, Renee, Charlize, Gwyneth, Uma and the rest of the A-list blondes: A Star is Born! Kate Hudson is shaking in her Uggs.

Reese Witherspoon – She spent the last 2 weeks designing and sewing her own dress just to avoid another Golden Globes/Kirsten Dunst fiasco. But unfortunately it shows. Is she really going to win the Oscar for this role? I mean I loved her in it but Oscar?? If you say so.

Ryan Phillippe – For once he doesn’t go home empty handed. Maybe it’s too early to cast him in The Chad Lowe Story just yet. Would you be a doll and get me Stuart Townsend’s reps on the phone?

Hilary Swank – Were they serving lobster inside the Shrine Auditorium? Because I think she got her dinner napkin stuck on the front of her dress! Add this to the rest of her fashion LOWEs.

CRASH – I think they should have called it “Co-Inky-Dinks!” Sorry but I think it was too contrived for my tastes. But I actually really liked Sandy Buttocks in it, but maybe it was because this was the first movie where she trips AND actually gets hurt. For Your Consideration.

Allison Janey – Love her Reese/“Walk the Line” brunette do.

Candice Bergen – Does she own 100 of these outfits or does she just wear the same one to every award show. Someone needs to stop shopping at Chico’s and Talbot’s because these shirt/skirt onesy ensembles need to stop.

Charlize Theron – When Ponytails Attack! Somewhere Madonna and Jean-Paul Gautier are laughing. Regardless she’s got a gorgeous face, fantastic body, hot boyfriend and a stellar career (minus one acid Aeon-Flux). Barring infertility, once she has a baby she will officially have it all. What’s that you say? The fact that she may have killed her father and had her mom take the blame. Oh that little thing. We won’t bring that up. Shhh and go back to oogling.

Doug Savant – I never thought we’d ever see the gay guy on “Melrose Place” again. Maybe there’s hope for the other Vanessa Williams. Remember her? She was the black girl on Melrose Place, who was best friends with the gay guy on Melrose Place before they both got written out.

Laura Leighton – I never thought I’d see Sydney from “Melrose Place” again, especially at an award show other than the Daytime Emmys.

Marcia Cross – Prior to “Housewives” I never thought I’d see crazy Kimberly from “Melrose Place” again.

Nicollette Sheridan – loved the hair down. A trend is born. It took 10 years and an adam’s apple off. Nicollette Sheridan hunting season is officially over. She’s sleeping with Michael Bolton isn’t that punishment enough.

Michael Bolton – Since Nics is taking him to all these TV award shows maybe he’ll start taking her to some music award shows. If so I hope her publicist can get them Grammy tix.

Geena Davis – Her stylist should be impeached! Getting from her neck to her cleavage requires the services of AIR FORCE ONE. I think she hid an acceptance speech in the bodice of her dress just in case. A hot mess.

Kate Walsh from Grey’s Anatomy – or was it Felicity Huffman’s character in TRANSAMERICA. Somebody oughta check her grey’s anatomy!

Katherine Heigl –also from Grey’s Anatomy – Last I heard she was still on the red carpet posing for photographers.

Linda Cardelini – the third girl in “Brokeback Mtn” – Her hair needs a trip to the “ER.” Did she think she was going to Country Music Awards? Not even Velma would approve of this look.

Matt Dillon – The verdict isn’t out yet on the blue shirt but the face gets a 10!

Patrick Dempsey – He’s totally hot but his mane is bordering on becoming the male version of Texas pageant hair. Put the Aqua Net down.

Portia di Rossi – She looks great. I wonder what she’s been eating these days…

Ellen DeGeneres.

Taryn Manning (Hustle and Flow, 8 Mile) – The Jamie Pressly of the big screen. Taryn sleeps with more rappers on screen than Vivica Fox does in real life.

Jamie Pressly – Iguana face. She says “My Name Is Earl” is her favorite job in the biz so far. Wow! Really Jamie, better than even Joe Dirt, Torque or Tomcats? Are you sure?

Teri Hatcher – She’s just waiting for Felicity’s Oscar ride to be over so she can go back to being the Queen of Wisteria Lane. She should be nominated for her work at all these red carpet events; it’s some of her best work.

Joaquin Phoenix – He survived a car crash last week only to surface as last night’s train wreck. And I thought “The Village” was the worst thing he was in.

“LOST”cast– Without Matthew Fox and Evangeline Lilly up there they might as well put random NYC subway riders on the stage. It’s not like we’d know the difference.

Commercial Actors segment – Forget Reese, Philip or Desperate Housewives. The real winners last night were the 5 or so commercial actors picked to be in the segment. Keep your eye out to see which of them turn up on “LOST” next season. Next stop Grand Central Station.

FIN

Day One

2006-01-19T21:55:00.000-08:00

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